Genesis
by KelliP
Summary: Apparently nothing ruins the moment- or their relationship- quite like a spontaneous marriage proposal. And though Kate walks away, a surprising discovery that will tie them together for the rest of their lives leaves her needing Castle now more then ever, even if she's a little reluctant to admit it. Set season five, without any spoilers. INCOMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**GENESIS**

* * *

**One**

* * *

_Late August 2012._

* * *

Beckett's heart was racing wildly, panic seizing in her chest, but she didn't have time to stop and suck in anything more than a shallow breath. The need to run was overwhelming her, and so she moved through his loft, her escape path lit only by the full moon and city lights that shone through the open windows.

"Kate, wait!" Castle cried out behind her. She could hear the sound of his feet scuffling as he chased her, the faint zipping of his pants as he threw something on. She ignored him though, hastily pulling on her own clothes, forgoing her shoes and coat in an attempt to get out of his apartment faster.

She was just about free when Castle sidestepped her and darted ahead. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he used his size to block the exit, but there was no threat to his posture.

"Can we please just _talk_ about this?" he begged her.

Beckett shook her head stubbornly. "There's nothing to talk about."

Castle clenched his jaw in disagreement. He ducked his head in attempt to match her eye level, but she turned her hear away, keeping her gaze firmly fixed off his. "It was just one of those spur of the moment things," he desperately tried to explain. "I didn't mean it!"

She turned on him then, a deadly expression on her face as the emotions suddenly flipped inside her. "Oh, so now you _don't_ want to marry me?"

"No! I mean, yes! Yes- of course I want to marry you," Castle insisted, cringing all the same at his poor explanation. "I just… didn't mean to ask you like that."

Beckett crossed her arms in disbelief and raised an eyebrow, eyes rolling sarcastically as she spoke. "Right. So then tell me, Castle- how did you mean to ask me? Because I'm just _sure_ this is something that you've thought about."

Suddenly, Castle froze, causing Beckett's heart to drop in her chest. "Oh, _no_, Castle. Please don't tell me you've thought about this," she whispered. "I- have you?"

His only response was a timid nod of his head, the guilt all over his face as he failed to mask his features.

Needing distance, Beckett took a step back, Castle's hands slipping from her shoulders. Her head was shaking slowly from side to side in disbelief as she tried to comprehend just what he was saying. "Castle, _no_. You can't- no."

He was stubborn, though, refusing to back down. "Why? Why can't I think about marrying the woman I love?"

Beckett felt her entire body stiffen at his words, unable to handle the battle of emotions raging inside her. "Castle, we've only been dating for a couple of months. I just… I can't handle you telling me that your ready to browse for rings and pick out china patterns."

Castle didn't respond, instead lowering his eyes guiltily. Almost as if he had already bought a ring.

She didn't dare ask him, though, too afraid of what his answer might be. Instead, she shook her head from side to side, over and over again in denial. "No, Castle. No. You can't do this. You can't."

Standing his ground, Castle stared her down. "Why not, Kate? Why can't I think about these things?"

Beckett let out an exasperated breath, running her fingers through her knotted hair in frustration. "We've only been dating for _two months_," she reiterated, holding up two of her fingers as if it proved something. "Two short months, and you're suggesting we run off and get married?"

"Actually, I wasn't suggesting that," Castle pointed out. "But, why can't we?"

She blinked. "Why can't we what?"

"Why can't we fly to Vegas and get married today?"

Beckett choked on the air in her lungs, a lump rising up in her throat, causing her to stumble over her words. "What?" she squeaked, eyebrows shooting up and jaw dropping. "Vegas? You want to fly to _Vegas _and get married? _Today_?"

Castle shrugged all too casually for the conversation they were having, as if it were no big deal to him to be discussing eloping in Vegas. "Sure. Why not?"

She snorted. "Oh, right, sure, because nothing says forever like a Vegas wedding."

Castle simply smiled at her, his voice suddenly soft. "Kate, I wouldn't care where we got married, as long as it was to you."

Beckett stilled.

That was… sweet. Really sweet.

But then the too serious expression on Castle's face was once again too much for her to handle. The panic set back in, causing her heart to race and chest to seize. "No," Beckett cried out, taking a large step around him towards the door. "No, Castle."

"Kate-"

"No!"

Head bowed low, Castle remained silent for a long stretch of time before he finally spoke up, his voice so quiet and full of rejection. "You really feel this strongly against marrying me?"

Beckett sighed, pausing as she gripped the doorhandle tightly, ready to open it and leave if it wasn't for the pain in his voice. "Castle… that's not it. That's not it at all."

"Really?" His voice was dry with disbelief. "I can't even _begin_ to count the number of times you've said _no_ in the past few minutes."

Beckett spun around, ready to throw the blame off her and back onto him. "Well, you kind of sprung it on me! I mean, really- who asks someone to marry them right in the middle of sex?"

Castle's face crumbled then, eyes beginning to water as he stared at her hopelessly. Cowardly, she dropped her gaze, unable to handle him looking at her like that. Like she was breaking his heart.

"Kate- what's really going on here?"

His voice was so small, unlike anything she'd ever heard before. She had never heard him sounding so lost, as if he had absolutely no idea what to do.

He didn't, though, she realised. He didn't have a clue what to do because he didn't know what he had done wrong. Hell, he hadn't even done anything wrong. All he had done was love her. It was _her_ fault she couldn't seem to let him.

Biting her lip, Beckett blinked away the traitorous tears that sprung to her eyes, too stubborn and too proud to cry. "I'm not ready for this, Castle."

"Then we'll _wait_," he urged her. "Forget I said anything."

Beckett shook her head despondently. "I can't do that, Castle," she choked. "You already rushed into two marriages. I don't just want to be wife number three, who you'll throw away a few months down the track."

Castle recoiled as if her words were a slap across his face. "Do you really think that little of me?" he whispered in horror. "Is that really how you view our relationship? As just some passing fancy, that isn't going to last?"

Beckett sighed, one hand reaching up to rest at the back of his neck. With the other, she gently brushed a lock of hair off his forehead before her fingers trailed slowly down his cheek, skimming along his jaw. "You know it's not. You know how much I care about you," she murmured.

His arms rose to wrap around her waist, pulling her into him, but she didn't feel reassured or safe. Only suffocated. She stays, though, because she sees it in his eyes just how much he needs her. Peering up at him, she watches his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallows the lump in his throat before speaking. "Kate, I love you. You may not have said that to me yet, but I know you do to. So… why are we doing this? Why are you denying everything we have?"

Beckett's heart tore in her chest. One part of her wanted nothing more than to drop her head to his shoulder, curl up in his arms and have him press kisses to her forehead when he thought she was asleep.

Then there was the other, more domineering part. The side that screamed for her to run. The side that told her a little space would do them good. That she didn't really need him.

In the end, she couldn't fight it.

"Castle, I just- I just can't do this right now. I need a break."

Castle blinked, nodding absently as he tried to process her request. "Uh, yeah. Okay. Let's just forget about it. Let's go back to bed, fall asleep, and wake up tomorrow as if nothing happened."

Beckett shook her head sadly as she corrected him. "No, Castle. I need a break from _us_."

The look of absolute devastation that spread across his face was one that would haunt her forever, his agony burnt into her mind.

"Kate, no. _Please_. I love you. Don't do this," he begged, voice strained. Tears rolling down his cheeks freely now, their path shining in the glow of the city lights, reflecting the despair etched on his face. "I _love_ you. I'll do anything, just _don't go_."

Beckett pressed a palm to her mouth to muffle the sob that escaped her lips, her heart aching for him. She couldn't help it; she didn't want to hurt him. She just needs time to figure out everything inside her head, stop the two sides of her from screaming at each other.

So she leaned in pressed a lingering kiss to his lips, a promise that eventually she'd come back to him. Castle's raspy whispers of _I love you_ filled her ear, tugging at her heart, and so she rested her forehead against his as he cried, her hand soothingly running through his hair.

Then all too soon, she was pulling back from him. She clasped her hands over his where they desperately held onto her waist and slowly pried his fingers off her, one by one, before letting his hands slip from her grasp.

Beckett took a step back, removing herself from his reach. His face crumbled as her hand reached for the doorknob, eyes pleading with her to stay, but the anxiety was overwhelming. She couldn't stay.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she whispered, her words mimicking those that brought them together only two months ago. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

And with that, Beckett left, completely oblivious to the part of him- _them_- that was already growing inside her.

* * *

**A/N: **On tumblr (kellisworld dot tumblr dot com) and twitter (kellis_world) for those interested.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

* * *

_Late August 2012._

* * *

Castle couldn't comprehend what had just happened.

Kate left.

She just _left_, with barely a weak explanation thrown in his direction. All he wanted was the opportunity to love her, but the only thing he'd managed was to suffocate her so much it drove her away. His pleas for her to just _stay_ and _talk_ were refused as she disappeared into the night all too easily without another glance. And as she'd closed the door and left, she'd taken his heart right along with her.

He wanted so bad to go after her, beg her to just _hear him out_, because it was just a slip of the tongue. Yes, he'd thought about it – even loved the idea – but they weren't ready. He knew that. He wanted to tell her that, but he was too afraid of the rejection. So here he was, slouched against the closed door for support, unable to move as his whole world shattered around him.

Everything had been so _perfect_, too. After years of waiting she had finally come to him, arms wide open as she gave into his love. She'd smile at him sweetly, one that was for his eyes only. She'd let him kiss her freely, not caring who was around to see. She'd let him hold her at nights as her breathing evened out and she slipped into a slumber. On days she woke before him, she'd have a mug of steaming coffee already brewed for him. The others, he would rouse slowly to find her curled up beside him, golden brown curls tumbling over his pillow after she'd migrated toward him sometime during the night.

He should have known it wouldn't last. Now, it was all gone. She'd slipped from his grasp yet again. But oh- this was so much worse. Now that he'd had a taste of her – now he knew just how wonderful her love was –he didn't know how to live without her.

A few years ago, Castle had grown used to a life of solitude. Sure- he still had his daughter and his mother and his friends, but he had long accepted the fact that people left him- his father, Kyra, Meredith, Gina, just to name a few. But of all the people to have left him in his life, the sight of Kate Beckett walking out his front door was the only one that would truly haunt him forever.

So he did what any man would do; he drank. Pouring himself a glass- two, three- he tried and failed to push down the agony peeling away at his heart to leave it aching. He should have known it would take more than a bottle of scotch to erase Kate Beckett from his mind.

Too tired to drag himself to his empty bed, Castle collapsed onto the couch. The leather stuck to his still bare chest, ripping at his skin whenever he shifted. In the end he gave up, simply sinking into the cushion, hoping he'd at least wake early enough to clean himself up before Alexis arrived home.

* * *

Sleep never came.

Still lying on the couch hours later, the blackness of the night surrounded him as his eyes refused to close. His mind was cloudy from the liquor he'd forced down but the images of Kate were strong, refusing to be silenced by alcohol or sleep. Notes of her laughter rang a loud tune in his head. Her smile was wide and dazzling as she leaned in to press a kiss to his lips. Her touch was ever soft and tender as she swept her fingertips across his bare skin to leave a tingle of desire in their wake.

God, he wished she were still here with him.

Through the haze of alcohol, Castle fooled himself into believing the distant sound of the front door opening and shutting could be heard. A low groan rumbled in his chest as he envisioned Kate walking back through the door, eyes brimming with the apology that would spill from her lips.

It wasn't until the sound of footsteps grew ever closer did he realise it wasn't his imagination.

With great effort Castle forced himself to lift his heavy head off the couch. Hope filled his chest as the room spun, his eyes unable to focus on the shadowy figure moving toward him.

"Kate," he called out.

He wasn't that lucky.

It wasn't his partner that loomed over him, but rather his mother. Face already woeful, it only fell further when she spotted the now-empty bottle of scotch he hugged to his chest. "Oh, Richard…" Martha whispered sadly. "What happened?"

Castle squeezed his eyes shut in rejection of her sympathy, an act that was nothing more than a refusal to believe his relationship was truly over. "Kate- she left," he rasped.

Everything hit him all over again, a sob to wracking forcefully through his body. The image of Kate walking out his door crashed over him in waves, over and over again with no relief. Vaguely, he was aware of his mother pulling him into her arms, cradling him to her chest while he cried as if he were a small boy again.

But Castle could do nothing than let the grief overwhelm him at the harsh realisation he'd ruined his shot with the woman he loved more than anything.

* * *

She may be breaking on the inside, but Beckett was never one to wear her heart on her sleeve. Least of all at the precinct, the place where any weakness was jumped upon at the first instant. A woman in a man's world was rough, and like hell she'd let herself destroy the solid reputation she'd built for herself.

So she psyched herself up with the thought that the first day would be the hardest. Told herself that if she could just make it through this one day, she'd be all right. Without that belief, she would have crumbled all too easily. So she kept up the chant of _just make it through the day_ in her head, plastered on a face that said _back off, I'm fine_, and pushed forward.

Hell- it wasn't though she was even given the chance to do anything _but_ push on. Just a few short hours after she'd left Castle heartbroken in his apartment, her phone sounded all too loud with a call from dispatch. A new crime scene, today of all days.

Yet maybe this would be for the best. A new case she could throw herself into. Get lost in the mystery and forget about the man she'd left alone in the middle of the night. She was better than the cowardly woman with the aching heart she'd been last night.

So she threw her tired body under the blasting spray of the shower, downed a double shot latte, and slipped behind the wheel to head for the crime scene. Stuck in early morning traffic, the drive gave her a chance to clear her head a little more. Become a little more alert, prepare for the onslaught of questions that would fly her way the moment the boys found out.

The interrogation began the moment she arrived. "Where's your boy?" Esposito asked when a glance at the car revealed the lack of the writer's presence.

A casual comment, thrown out only because it was the first time she'd showed up to a crime scene without Castle since the boys had found out about their relationship. Yet it served only as a reminder of what had happened. It left a heavy weight in her unsettled stomach that took her a moment to recover from, the careful mask she'd planted on her face slipping just a little.

"Taking a break," she responded, voice steady and lacking emotion.

It wasn't enough, or perhaps it was too much. Either way, the boys had already seen the flash of hurt across her face at the question, exchanging a concerned glance with each other when they thought she'd turned away.

"Beckett…" Ryan started carefully, taking a step toward her. "What'd he-"

"He didn't do anything, Ryan," she snapped. "So drop it and get back to work. You can pine over your boyfriend later."

After leveling a warning glare at them for good measure, Beckett returned to surveying the scene. Though she appreciated their loyalty to her, their concern was the last thing she wanted to hear right now. With the pit not quite closed in her stomach, she knew she wouldn't be able to hold herself together if they continued discussing it.

* * *

The dizzying black hole only worsened when she arrived back at the station a couple of hours later.

It had taken another long drive through gridlocked traffic to lock away her emotions a little tighter and shove them to the back of her mind. That was all to be unraveled the moment she stepped off the elevator. Perched in the middle of the desk was a steaming cup of coffee, the dark liquid sitting in the same deep blue cup Castle handed to her at least once a day.

He'd been here.

Her eyes darted around in a panic but he was nowhere to be seen. Probably thought it would be safer to just leave the gesture and disappear before she could ream him out.

Double-checking he wasn't stealing a glance around some far-off corner, careful fingers reached of their own accord for the cup. They circled around the handle, lifting the mug slowly toward her. She breathed in the scent- that rich coffee smell lightened by a hint of vanilla. With open lips greeting the rim of the porcelain, she tipped up the bottom of the mug to let the still warm liquid slide down her throat.

Mm. It tasted just as he always made it.

And was every bit a reminder of him all the same.

One sip she could handle. Two, it turned out, she could not. The liquid didn't settle quite right in her stomach, caused her to place the cup back down on her desk before she crumbled.

She'd enjoy it again when he was once again here by her side.

* * *

Beckett almost didn't leave the precinct that night.

She just- she couldn't go home to an empty bed. Not when near every night of the past few months had been spent by his side.

Then after a well meant but unwelcomed phone call on her behalf from the night janitor, Esposito returned.

"It's time to go home, Beckett," the other detective told her quietly. He placed a gentle hand of encouragement on her shoulder, urging her to move.

She just kept her head down, pretending to focus on the file on her desk so she didn't have to meet his eye. "I have work to do. I'll go home soon."

"Bullshit," he called her lie. "You won't leave."

"Espo, this isn't any of your business," she growled.

"When you can't focus tomorrow at work because you're long past exhausted, it _is_ my business."

She had to thank him for at least having the decency to make this about work and not Castle.

"Come on," he urged her with a soft voice. "I'll drive you home."

Beckett gave in then, sloppily throwing her belongings into her bag before she let him lead her from the precinct. Though Esposito kept sneaking glances at her the drive to her apartment was silent. Whether he didn't know what to say or whether he respected her need for privacy, she didn't know, but she was thankful all the same.

All too soon he was gently swerving the car to park parallel to the curb outside her building. He didn't stop the engine, nor offered to show her up. That wasn't their relationship.

"You want me to give you a ride to work tomorrow?" was all he offered.

She shook her head. "No, but thanks. I'll just take the subway."

Esposito nodded. "Get some rest, Beckett," he told her.

Then he was gone, and she was alone once again.

* * *

The silence of her apartment was so much harsher than she could have imagined, the space too hollow without his presence. The city lights outside were too bright, the bustling noise of other people too loud, illuminating just how alone she was and leaving the haunting echo in her ear.

Heart already aching she didn't take off her coat, instead keeping it tight around her in some sort of comfort. She bypassed the kitchen, her stomach too weak to even think about eating. Instead she moved straight for her bedroom, collapsing fully dressed on top of the comforter.

She still lay there in her coat and boots with eyes wide open when the sun began to peek through her shutters as it rose over the city.


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

* * *

_Late August 2012._

* * *

It was just over a week later when she saw him again.

Throwing in the towel for the day, it was late when Beckett finally left the precinct. The case had been sending them all in circles, forcing them to pull as many extra hours as could be managed. After another fourteen hours with nothing other than more dead ends, she barely managed to drag her exhausted body to the elevator and through the underground lot to her car. Yet she was still a few feet away when she froze.

Castle was leaning against the hood of her car, feet stretched out in front and hands planted on the bonnet on either side. At first it seemed all too casual, as if he were perfectly fine they hadn't spoken in a week. It wasn't until she _really_ took in the sight of him did she see he wasn't doing any better than she was.

His hair was uncombed, days-old stubble grown along his jaw. The clothes he wore were so far from the usual pristine suit, instead having opted for a creased shirt and stained jeans. His two usually bright blue eyes were now bloodshot. Apparently, he'd been getting as little sleep as she had.

Now he kept his head bowed low in thought, eyes heavy as they stared absently at the ground. His shoulders were slouched, leaving her wondering just how long he'd been here waiting. And it was the look of absolute devastation all over his face that cut right through her heart.

He was this miserable all because of what she'd done. God, she hated herself.

Yet even as everything inside her urged her to just _go_ to him, to just _fix this_ because their relationship wasn't worth throwing away over a blurted out comment, something held her back, kept her feel glued to the ground in almost a trembling fear. When she couldn't push forward, Beckett called out for him softly instead. "Castle?"

He spun around instantly at the sound of her voice, eyes wide as he took in the sight of her. "Kate," he breathed.

Still she hesitated, the distance stretching on between them. "What-" She paused and drew in a shaky breath before continuing. "What are you doing here?"

Castle cleared his throat. "You, uh- you weren't at your apartment. Figured you were still working."

She said nothing, just held his gaze. He was avoiding the question.

Finally, he offered her the raw truth. "I wanted to see you, Kate."

She sighed heavily and dropped her eyes. "I told you I needed space."

"It's been a week."

"A week filled with text messages and voicemails and flowers at my door and coffee cups on my desk. That's not giving mespace, Castle."

"What do you expect, Kate?" he cried out. "I gave you space one before and I didn't see you for three months."

The truthfulness to his words hit her hard.

"I just- I don't want that to happen again. I _can't_ do that again, Kate."

Castle's voice was absolutely broken, his expression distraught as he waited for her to respond. His eyes were so sad and pleading with her, and her heart just _broke_.

"Please," he whispered.

"Can't you just understand how _I'm_ feeling? What you said… it was a _lot_ of pressure to put on such a new relationship. If a woman had said that to most guys, they would have run for the hills and never looked back. Why should it be any different just because I'm a woman? Or just because we've already known each other for four years? I might have run, but it's not far, Castle. At least I'm _trying_."

"But _are_ you?"

"Yes," she choked out. "Yes, of course I am."

He said nothing, eyes cold with disbelief. So she just stood there, chewing on her lip and returning his gaze until she realised he would never believe her unless she offered up proof.

With a sigh, she bit the bullet. "I went back to therapy," she admitted quietly.

Castle started at that. "I'm sorry?"

"Therapy," she repeated. "I- I went back."

All his features softened at her words. "I drove you back to therapy?"

He –

"No," she stressed with a shake of her head "No, Castle. Not at all. This is my problem, one I had long before I met you. I thought letting go of my mother's case would help to bring that wall down, would help to let people in, but…" She sighed. "I'm clearly not over everything just yet. I want to be better, though. For you, I want to be better."

Castle dropped his eyes to the ground and shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat. He shuffled around on the spot a little, hesitating, as if he were waiting for her to speak again.

"I know I've asked too much of you already, but can you just give me a little more time? Because I'm trying, Castle. I am."

"I know you are," he told her quietly. "But you're not the only one in this, Kate. This relationship can't be all one way."

Oh, he was so right. This – _them_ – had been all about her for too long now.

"Then how about dinner? Saturday night?" she offered. It was currently Tuesday. Saturday would give her just another few days, as well as another appointment with Burke.

He shot her an appreciative smile at the effort she was making, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Sure," he agreed all the same.

"My place. Seven?"

Castle nodded once, offered up another weak smile, then left.

* * *

It wasn't until Saturday did she realise exactly what was wrong.

Tied up at the precinct all week, Beckett hadn't managed the time to buy groceries. Now she wandered through the aisles of the small food store, picking up just the essentials for tonight's dinner with Castle, too nervous to stay put in her apartment any longer. Out and about she was still distracted with thoughts of tonight. After making a wrong-turn and wandering into an aisle she didn't need, she shifted her weight onto the balls of her feet to spin around when a bright white box on the shelf caught her attention.

So here she was: standing in the middle of the supermarket and about to have a panic attack because she realised she was _late_.

Not just a little late, either. Weeks and _weeks_ late. With everything else going on- hiding their relationship from Gates, their breakup, the hammering from the team's latest case- she hadn't even paused to notice the difference. But now it'd been drawn to her attention, she couldn't think of anything but.

Swallowing the hard lump that had risen in her throat Beckett reached for one of the boxes. With shaking hands she dumped it into her basket, juggling the contents in an attempt to conceal it beneath the tomatoes. Satisfied, she was about to leave when she hesitated. Eyes flittering back to the shelf, she hastily grabbed another two boxes, shoving them in her basket alongside the first before darting for the checkout.

* * *

It was ironic, really, how she wasn't ready for commitment and yet the universe was forcing her into it anyway.

From her perch on the edge of her claw foot porcelain bathtub, Beckett stared vacantly at the three positive tests on the counter. With jean-clad legs stretched out in front to steady herself, her fingers gripped the rounded edge of the tub tightly, knuckles turning white as she tried to hold herself upright. Her arms were shaky though, palms sweaty and mouth dry. Her heart was hammering while her head swam dizzyingly as she tried to comprehend this sudden discovery.

She was pregnant.

God, she never thought this would happen. Hell- it wasn't as if they were two ignorant teenagers. They'd been so careful. Passionate- yes, but careful.

Oh. Castle.

How was she supposed to tell him?

And she had to, sooner rather than later. If she kept this from him, he would never forgive her.

No time to come up with a game plan though. The knock resounded on her door in the next moment, the pattern so unique to be anyone else.

Shit.

Castle was here.

And she had to tell him she was pregnant.


	4. Chapter 4

**Four**

* * *

_Late August 2012._

* * *

After the panic in the supermarket Beckett had completely forgotten about the dinner they'd set for tonight. All thoughts of food had flown from her mind, the only thing remaining the three tests in her basket that had suddenly weighed a ton. The case demanding at the precinct, there wasn't even a scrap of food left in her fridge to whip up something easy (though she was sure the cuisine was not why Castle was here).

Forgetting about dinner, she hastily pushed herself off the edge of the tub. Legs shaky, she tumbled forward, just managing to catch herself on the edge of the basin. A quick glance in the mirror revealed a horrid sight. Beckett cupped her hands under the faucet and splashed a few handfuls of cool water on her face, trying to wash away the petrified look and add some colour back to her cheeks.

When a second knock resounded on the door she gave up. He'd seen her at her worst, that day in the hospital after she'd been shot. Terrified though she may be, this was nowhere near as bad.

She was just about to leave the bathroom when it caught her eye. The useless packet of pills.

She threw them in the trash on her way out.

Here went nothing.

* * *

Beckett had to smile at the sight on the other side of the door. Castle standing in the hallway a little sheepish, a bunch of beautiful roses held up in front of his chest.

"Hey, Castle," she breathed.

He returned her smile with a sweet one of his own, eyes crinkling adorably as he took in the sight of her. "Hi."

She stood aside then, one hand stretched out in a silent invitation to enter. He took the offer, hastily crossing the threshold into her apartment.

"I, uh- these are for you." He held out the bouquet for her to take.

"Thank you," she murmured as her fingers curled around the long stems.

Moving toward the kitchen to fill a vase with fresh water Beckett motioned for him to follow. "There's been a bit of a- uh, a mix up," she supplied a weak excuse. "Is take-out okay? Chinese?"

He hesitated for a moment. "If you're busy-"

"No," she interrupted. "Not busy. There was just an… incident at the supermarket.

Castle eyed her a little curiously but didn't examine her flimsy argument too closely.

Vase filled and roses settled in the middle of her counter, she turned to him once again. "Want something to drink?" She needed something to do with her hands before they start to shake again.

"Sure."

She had to cringe when she tugged open her fridge. There wasn't a whole lot she could offer. Just the choice between a half-finished beer from when she'd whipped up beer-battered fish (who knew how long ago that was?) or an unopened bottle of gifted (and most likely cheap) white wine. "White okay?"

Castle nodded, not fussed at all. Setting the bottle on the counter she turned to the cupboard, lifting down one glass to fill for Castle.

Picking up the glass to study it, he arched a confused eyebrow at her. "Are you having one?"

No time like the present.

"I'm pregnant."

The glass slipped straight from his grip, shattering with a sharp crash on her counter and sending shards flying across her apartment. Neither moved to clean anything up though, and Beckett wasn't even sure Castle _could_.

He stood completely frozen, eyes wide and flashing with nothing but panic. She could see his mind racing, the internal struggle to comprehend exactly what she'd said. So she waited in a patient silence, gave him the space he needed to gather his thoughts. After a few long minutes, though, the wait became unbearable, the question of exactly _what_ was running through his mind eating at her. Without thinking about it Beckett slapped her hands down on the counter to break his dazed spell. All she achieved was to let out a sharp yelp as shards of the broken glass she'd forgotten about cut into her palms.

The bright red blood was already spilling across her skin when she turned her hands over. Beckett cursed under her breath. The smaller shards would be a bitch to get out of her skin.

"Be careful, would you?" Castle growled suddenly.

Displeasing tone aside, at least he was talking.

Though she didn't respond to his comment. Just turned her back on him and held her hands over her stainless steel sink. Using the back of the hand to open the flow of water she let it wash away the blood, along with some of the looser shards of glass caught in her skin. Then all so suddenly he was beside her, hands reaching out to grasp hers gently.

"Kate…" he trailed off sadly, his voice softer this time. "I-"

"Can you get the first aid kit from the bathroom?" she interrupted softly. "Bottom shelf underneath the sink."

Thumb sweeping over her skin tenderly for just one moment longer, Castle finally nodded, leaving in the next moment in search of the kit.

* * *

He never returned from the bathroom.

Beckett eyed her bedroom curiously, wondering what in her bathroom was taking Castle so long. From memory the first aid kit was sitting right at the front. The bottom shelf, yes, but was he really such a man he'd miss even that?

Clicking her tongue she gave in to the urge to track him down. Shutting the faucet with her elbow she moved with palms held upward so the blood wouldn't trickle onto her floors. But when she stepped into the bathroom, she froze.

Castle was standing motionless in the middle of the room, eyes trained on the three positive pregnancy tests perched on her vanity. Yet the sharp intake of her panicked breath startled him into awareness, the writer spinning around immediately.

"Kate, your hands," he murmured.

She lowered her eyes, found small droplets of the crimson liquid already sliding down her palms and staining her forearms. Still she couldn't unfreeze her feet, not until Castle gently gripped her wrists and tugged her toward the sink. He opened the flow of water and guided her hands below the stream with the careful skill of a parent who had cleaned many wounds in his lifetime.

So she stood there in silence and took in the sight of the man she'd missed so much as he cleaned her cuts. His lips were pressed together in concentration as he worked, but the pink tip of his tongue poked out from the corner of his mouth as he dabbed some ointment on her hands and gently pressed band-aids over the larger cuts.

That's when everything became awkward again.

Nothing to busy themselves as a distraction from their situation, both sighed heavily as they turned to meet one another's eyes. Castle leaned back against the counter, eyes dropping to the tests between them. "So…" he started awkwardly. "You're really-"

"Yeah," she finished quietly. "Yeah, I am."

"Did you just find out?"

She nodded once.

"And how do you… feel about it?"

Beckett cringed at the awkwardness of their conversation, the usual fluidity in their relationship having crumbled apart. Her lips curled back into a thin line, and all she could muster was a half-shrug in response.

"Kate-"

"I'm fine, Castle."

And the wall was up once again.

"Are you really?" he tried to call her out.

She was stubborn, gave a curt nod. "Yes. This- it's… good?" She knew rise in pitch of her voice left him questioning her honesty.

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Telling you," she half-growled. "But this- it's still so new. I haven't had any chance to process it, and neither have you. I just think- we need a little more time."

The smile he gave her was a little half-hearted, but he nodded all the same. "Sure. Why don't we call for some takeout? We can talk about this a little more after dinner."

Her fingers snagged his elbow before he could leave the bathroom and head for her drawer of take-out menus. "No, Castle," she clarified on a lengthy breath. "I know we had plans for dinner, and I know I've asked so much of you already, but…"

"You want me to leave." There was no question- he already knew the answer. The hollow disappointment in his voice – disappointment in her – signalled to that.

"Just give me the rest of the weekend?" she begged softly, eyes pleading for him to understand. "One day. That's all I'm asking for. Some time on our own while this all settles. No pressure on the other."

Castle shifted on the spot, not drawing his arm away from her, but rather considering her offer. "You know what? You're right. I need to- clear my head."

His exit from her apartment left her heart twinging with both relief and a sinking defeat.

* * *

Castle kept his head low as he wandered through the front door of the loft, hoping to avoid anyone who might be downstairs. The living area was empty though, and judging from the lack of light spilling from the upstairs landing no one was even home. Swallowing a heavy sigh he shuffled to the kitchen, pulling out the bottle of whiskey he'd become rather acquainted with over the past week before settling in his study.

Pregnant. Kate was pregnant.

He was going to be a father again.

The sudden news was rather unsettling. Not in the way he hadn't wanted more children. Just- he'd given up hope about having more children years ago. After two divorced he'd been forced against his will to stuff that dream into a little box; to lock it up tight and send it to the back of his mind, never to be seen again. Then he'd plastered on the mask and pretended as if having a family – a _real_ family – was something he never wanted. It had all been a lie, of course. Nothing more than the easiest way to cope with the harsh realisation that it was never to happen for him.

So to have that box thrust to the forefront of his mind and the lock picked open?

Yeah. It would definitely take a while for everything to settle in. Didn't mean this wasn't something he wanted. That he absolutely lived and breathed for Alexis was proof of that.

Still, he threw back a much-needed tumbler of whiskey, let it burn in his throat. He was just polishing off glass two when his mother walked in, face falling as her eyes caught sight of the bottle in his hand. "Uh-oh," she murmured. "Dinner didn't go well?"

He shrugged. He didn't know _how_ tonight went.

Martha let out a sigh to his lack of response and wandered up to the front of his desk. "You want to talk about it, Kiddo?"

"Kate's pregnant."

His mother's keys slipped straight from her hand to clatter loudly on the hardwood floors as a quiet _oh_ tumbled from her lips.

Castle hummed in agreement with his mother's obvious state of shock.

"So why aren't you with her right now?" Martha pried. "I mean, the two of you obviously have a lot to discuss."

His tongue soured with the words. "She just doesn't want to talk to me."

Martha clicked her tongue, a little disbelieving. "Maybe she just doesn't want to talk about it?"

"Same difference."

"No, Richard. Not at all. Just because she's playing it all close to her chest does _not_ mean she doesn't want you around."

His eyes flicked away as he exhaled a heavy sigh. "I don't know. Maybe you're right."

"Whatever else you chose to believe, just know that girl loves you, Richard, and God knows how much you love her. You're a good man. You'll figure it out."

The whiskey suddenly bitter in his stomach, he left the bottle on the side of his desk. It may be a way to forget his problems, but not one to work through them. Instead, he opted to open up the lid of his laptop.

For now, he would write. Come Monday, he'd make damn sure they'd be a family.


	5. Chapter 5

**Five**

* * *

_Two months ago. Early July 2012_.

* * *

They'd been having so much fun sneaking around for the past month. The supressed smiles, the lingering touches, the late night rendezvous, and the moments stolen in the back corners of the precinct… it all made Castle feel as if they were two secret agents. The rush flooding through his veins from knowing they were keeping their own precious secret from the rest of the world was like no other. So they wrapped themselves up in their own little bubble, kept their relationship protected from the outside world, and just enjoyed one another.

Though as much as he loved keeping Kate all to himself, he knew it had to come to an end some time. They both knew they would never truly work as a couple if they kept their relationship a secret forever, but the longer they waited to share the news, the more difficult it had become. Then one day, it was taken completely out of their hands.

It had all started when they received an early morning call into the precinct while he and Beckett were- ah, _occupied_. Running short on time, Castle had _helpfully_ suggested they shower together. To, you know, _save time_.

That was their first mistake. Now running twice as late as they otherwise would have been, Beckett was frantic as she ran through her bedroom, pulling on the first clothes she found and all but throwing him out of her apartment.

"Relax, Beckett," he insisted as she took off down her building's stairwell. He tugged on her arm to try and slow her down, but she shook him off, leaving him no choice but to run after her.

"You'll have to catch a cab home, sorry," she apologised as she darted towards her car. "I haven't got time to drop you."

Castle shrugged. "It's fine. I'm showered," he wiggled his eyebrows at her, earning a classic eye roll. "I didn't even come in yesterday. No one will know I'm wearing old clothes."

"Ugh. Fine. Jump in," she said as she slid behind the wheel.

That had been their second mistake.

* * *

The interrogation began as soon as they arrived at the precinct.

"Bro, are they yesterday's clothes?" Esposito asked, eyes raking over Castle as he studied his attire.

Castle froze, wanting to shoot himself for being so forgetful. He'd run into Esposito yesterday morning at the morgue, when he'd walked Alexis to her internship after they'd been out for breakfast.

"No," Castle squeaked. Coughing to try and clear his throat, he shook his head, his voice more steady when he spoke this time. "No."

By this point, Beckett had managed to slip away to her desk, leaving Castle to fend to himself as Ryan and Esposito leaned in closer, their interests piquing. "So, bro- who is she?" Esposito whispered.

"No one," Castle spluttered, trying to shrug his shoulders casually.

Ryan simply smiled mischievously. "Come on, Castle. You can tell us."

"There's no one," Castle stressed. Without another word, he turned away, leaving them standing there as he headed straight for the break room. The moment he slipped away into the empty space, he let out a sigh of relief in his belief that the crisis had been averted.

He was wrong.

The boys weren't even making an effort to be subtle. Their whispers anything but hushed, Castle could still hear every word the boys said from where he stood at the cappuccino machine. One quick flick of his eyes over to where Beckett sat at her desk told him she could also hear everything. Her knuckles were turning white as she gripped the edge of her desk, jaw clenched tight with the restraint it took for her not to scold the boys and force them back to work. Groaning, Castle tried to hurry up making their coffees and return before they let something slip that would tip Beckett over the edge.

Resisting the urge to shoot them a warning look, Castle simply brushed past the boys, trying to smile innocently as he handed Beckett her mug.

"So tell me, Castle," Ryan started, eyebrows rising in amusement, "if you weren't with a girl, then why do you smell so fruity?"

Castle pressed his lips together, eyes widening as his heart picked up speed and his palms began to sweat. "Hmm?"

"Your soap," Esposito noted, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. "It's very feminine, don't you think?"

"Oh, that," Castle half-laughed, rubbing the back of hand against his clammy forehead. "Uh, yeah. I ran out, had to borrow some from Alexis."

"You really think we're going to believe that?" Ryan shook his head. "Come on, Castle. You're a writer. I'm sure you can come up with something a little more believable than that."

Castle ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Guys, Beckett drove me here," he exclaimed. "You really think she's going to pick me up from some random address? No. She's going to either pick me up from my apartment, or she's not going to bother at all."

"Oh, so, Beckett drove you here, did she?" Esposito asked.

That's what he just said, wasn't it?

"And, you're wearing yesterday's clothes?" Ryan added.

Castle froze.

"All the while, smelling very fruity, and very... familiar. It's almost the same scent as one we happen to catch a whiff of on an almost daily basis."

Damn. He'd walked right into a trap.

"So, can we assume you're also the one responsible for the hickey on Beckett's neck?"

The slap of Beckett's hand onto her neck couldn't have been louder. All three boys snapped their heads around at the sound, their eyes wide with either surprise or panic as they watched Beckett's fingers trail over her neck until she found the raw patch of skin she hadn't even noticed in this morning's haste.

Suddenly, her chair scraped against the floorboards as Beckett stood, grabbing her concealer from her purse. His eyes drifting down to her neck, Castle couldn't stop the smirk that spread when his eye caught sight of his work.

Beckett growled as she brushed by him. "Wipe that smirk off your face, Castle, or it's not happening again."

Her threat didn't faze Castle, a victorious grin on his face as he followed her. "Like you're going to be able to resist."

* * *

_Early September 2012._

* * *

Monday morning. The most hated time of the week.

Not this week.

His presence radiated into the bullpen the moment she heard the quiet _ding_ of the parting elevator doors. Remaining in her chair she swivelled around, watching him stride carefully toward her desk. Without a word or pausing for invitation Castle dropped into the seat beside her desk – _his_ seat – and extended one coffee cup in an offering.

"Decaf?" The crinkle of his eyes as he smiled was too sweet to resist.

"Thank you," she murmured.

Fingers brushing against his as she plucked the takeaway cup from his grasp, the tingle shot straight up her arm. Beckett dropped her eyes for a moment, a little startled, then sighed.

It was as if they'd backtracked two years, to the time they were still dancing around each other and the issue of _them_.

When she finally lifted her eyes once again Castle was studying her curiously, eyes unwavering as he took in her every movement. She pressed her lips into a tight smile. "So… you, ah-" She cleared her throat awkwardly. "Everything okay?"

He nodded once. "Why wouldn't it be?"

She chewed on her lip hesitantly. "Not that I don't appreciate the coffee - even if it _is_ decaf," she joked weakly, "- but why are you here, Castle?"

"Because I'm not leaving you again."

Throat closing over, she said nothing.

Castle shifted in his seat, placing one hand on the edge of her desk insistently. "Kate… I understand you're afraid and that you're a little lost. You have every right to be, when everything has been thrown upside down in an instant. So I'm not going to pressure you into anything, okay? I just want to be here. For you."

His gaze to intense Beckett stole a glance around the bullpen. She would have been better off holding Castle's gaze. All she found was her co-workers' prying eyes darting away as her own raked over them. She clicked her tongue in disappointment of her colleagues' lack of respect for her privacy.

Swinging back in her chair toward Castle, she murmured under her breath, "This isn't the place to discuss this."

Relaxing back in his chair he shrugged all too casually. "Let's not discuss it, then. Save the heavy stuff for later. Why don't you catch me up on the case instead? Maybe a pair of fresh eyes will be good."

* * *

The boys strode over before Beckett had a chance to even swivel toward the murder board. Through narrowed eyes they scrutinised the situation, looking down at Castle as if sizing him up. They studied him for a long moment then to Beckett before exchanging a sideways glance with one another.

"Can I help you two?" Beckett folded her arms over her chest and arched a demanding eyebrow.

Esposito and Ryan exchanged one last glance but said nothing about Castle's sudden presence in the precinct. "Caught a break," was all Esposito responded with. He opened the file in his hands and pulled out a photo. "This was taken from the security cam from the café a block away from the crime scene. You're looking at one Ken Nakano. The guy just got out last month from serving time upstate for assault. He did a real number on a guy a few years back, and that's just the start. They've been trying to link him for years to illegal possession and trade of firearms, but they've never been able to pin anything on him."

Beckett punched the photo from Esposito's hand to study it close up. "When was this shot taken?"

"Time stamp puts him leaving the area just seconds after the 911 call."

She nodded and passed the photo to Castle. "Any idea on his whereabouts?"

"Just got the word in from a buddy of mine in narcotics," Ryan piped up. "Nakano was seen entering a warehouse down in Chinatown. Apparently, they've been watching the warehouse for a while now. There's been suspected drug activity, but nothing solid yet."

"Their operation is just going to have to wait. I want Nakano in our custody within the next half-hour," Beckett ordered. "Get back on the phone with your guy. Tell him to keep eyes on Nakano while we get down there. And Esposito- call for some backup."

"You got it," Ryan nodded, immediately whipping out his phone.

Planting two feet on the floorboards Beckett rolled her chair backward, rising from the seat in the next moment. Gearing up while the boys were on the phone she clipped her badge to her belt and holstered her gun, just as a precaution. Keys in her hand and ready to go she spun on her heels, only to crash into Castle's solid weight.

"You-" The writer broke off, swallowing a knot in his throat. "You're not going down there, are you?"

She shot him a look to pipe down. "Relax. I'll wait in the car while the boys take him down. I do want to check out the area first hand, though. Try and find the gun he used."

Still, he didn't step out of her way.

"Castle, the boys will clear the building before I head in, okay?" She placed a reassuring hand on his arm and squeezed gently. "Come on. I'll fill you in on the way."

* * *

The wait in the car was a little awkward, the silence that had fallen over them tense. The only sound was the quiet crackle coming from the two-way perched up on her dash as they waited for some sort of signal from the boys.

She had to give it to those two. For once they were incredibly polite, kept their prying questions to themselves. Nothing about Castle's sudden reappearance or her abnormal behaviour of missing out on the action to simply sit in the car, even though the shifting glances they exchanged told how curious they were.

"Do you need to tell Gates?" Castle suddenly broke the silence.

She shrugged. "Mmm, I suppose."

He rubbed his lips together hesitantly before, "Can you please?"

Wait.

"You actually _want_ me to tell Gates that I'm pregnant? That _you_ are responsible?" Beckett quirked an eyebrow in amusement.

"Not the _me_ part," he huffed. "I doubt she'd be so intrusive to ask, either. But- yes. I think you should."

She remained silent for a beat in consideration of his words.

"She won't tell anyone, Kate," he assured her softly.

Beckett nodded once. "I know. And- yeah. You're probably right."

He smirked. "Probably?"

Through narrowed eyes she shot him a warning look. "Don't push your luck."

The grin wasn't wiped from his face but Castle found it within him to hold back the teasing. "So-"

"He's getting away!"

The radio crackled as Ryan's shouts sounded from the speakers, the frantic beat of footsteps echoing in the moments after. Beckett snatched up the two-way, her eyes scanning the area for any sight of Nakano as her finger pressed down the _talk_ button. "Where's he heading?"

"Straight out the front," came Ryan's laboured response.

Where Nakano thought he could go, Beckett didn't know. With a flash of her lights to signal to the narcotics team at the other end of the alley Beckett clasped at the gear stick. She was just about to shift the car into drive and block the exit when Nakano came bursting out the door all too soon.

She was out of the car on instinct before she even realised what she was doing.

"Police! Freeze!"

The gun from her holster was snatched free in the next moment as she took off running. Nakano spun around at her shouts –

- bringing with him the pistol in his hand.

Before Beckett had a chance to dive for cover Nakano levelled the gun straight at her chest unprotected from any vest.

A moment later, the loud crack of a gun being fired pierced the air, echoing off the concrete city as the bullet travelled towards its destination.


	6. Chapter 6

**Six**

* * *

_Early September 2012._

* * *

Every muscle frozen, Beckett couldn't even brace herself in wait of the bullet flying toward her. All she could do was grip the gun in her hands tight, just waiting for the metal to piece her skin.

But the contact came from the wrong side. Instead of the sharp pain to her chest, a heavy weight knocked into her left side. The force caused her legs to collapse, sending her tumbling to the ground hard, hands barely flying out in time to stop herself from crashing head first into the pavement as the weight covered her from above.

The gun cracked loud again, another bullet flying haphazardly as Nakano tried to escape. The noise startled her with the realisation her gun had been knocked from her hands from the fall. Beckett elbowed Castle in the ribs and tried to shove him off.

"Move, Castle," she hissed. "My gun. Get my gun."

He scrambled off her then, rolling across the pavement as another wild bullet ricocheted off the fire escape beside them. Beckett kept low as her eyes searched across the concrete for the dark outline of her gun.

There. A couple of feet to her right.

But when she stretched out a hand to grab it, the gun was scooped up from her grasp.

"Stay down," Castle growled at her. On one knee he swivelled around to block her from Nakano's sight. She didn't even have time to shout at him before he was returning fire. At their distance and low angle his shots missed wildly, but it was enough to force Nakano into retreat until the narcotics team came screeching down the alleyway and forced Nakano to his knees.

Even when Nakano was thrown into the cruiser Beckett remained motionless on the ground. The thought of what had almost happened – of what her recklessness had nearly cost her – flashed bright at the forefront of her mind.

"I'm sorry," she rasped, eyes wide as they darted upward to meet his. "I- God, Castle. I'm so sorry."

Setting her gun on the ground carefully he helped her rise to two shaky feet. "It was just instinct. Your training kicking in," he murmured in defence of her actions.

She bowed her head low, ashamed and completely undeserving of his forgiveness.

* * *

That night she found herself standing on Castle's doorstep, without any conscious thought of travelling there. Yet she rapped her knuckles on the wood all the same, the much-owed apology for her outburst today already bubbling on her lips as she listened to the footsteps approach the door.

It wasn't Castle. Instead, the door swung open to reveal Martha, eyes bright as she smiled at Beckett.

"Oh," she stuttered. "Uh- hi, Martha."

"Kate," the older woman sung out. "How lovely to see you again."

Beckett nodded and tried to shrug off the awkwardness of the encounter. "Is, uh- is Castle here?"

Martha shook her head in an apology. "He just popped out to pick up some dinner. You can come in and wait if you like? He shouldn't be more than a few minutes."

She let the other woman guide her into the loft, however hesitant she may be.

"Would you like something to drink while you wait?" Martha called out over her shoulder as she glided toward the kitchen. "There's plenty here. Iced water, juices, iced tea, or, I can make you a hot tea if you'd prefer?"

Beckett stilled at Martha's choice of beverages. She knew. Martha knew. About-

The rattle of keys interrupted at just the right moment, the sound flittering through the cracks in the door moments before it swung open on its hinges to reveal Castle. His eyes flew to hers immediately, and he hurried to shut the door behind him.

"Kate?" he called out softly. "I- what are you doing here?"

She let her head loll to the side and pressed her lips together. "Can we talk?"

Eyes wide, he nodded hastily. "Yeah. Yeah, uh-" Castle set the bag of takeaway on the kitchen counter before throwing his head in the direction of his study. "Let's talk in there."

Beckett leaned against the edge of Castle's grand desk as he clicked the door shut behind them for privacy. His eyes were on her instantly, too intense, all that longing flashing through them. Tucking a lock of curls behind one ear she ducked her head, deflecting for another moment.

"You told your mother." It wasn't a question.

Castle gave a quick nod of his head. "Yeah. Is that a problem?"

She shrugged. "Didn't realise we were telling people."

"Not people, Kate. Just my family."

"So Alexis-"

"She doesn't know," he finished for her. "Yet."

Beckett chewed on her lip absently. "I just- can we please wait before telling anyone else?" she asked quietly. "Alexis is fine, but… God, I only found out yesterday, Castle. I can't handle everyone knowing yet. Not until this has all sunk in a little more."

He interrupted her with a soft call of her name. "Kate, relax." He held up two pausing hands and signalled for her to calm down. "That's fine with me."

She lifted her lips into a grateful smile. "Thank you," she murmured.

"Can you promise me one thing, though?"

A beat passed before she conceded with a nod.

"Please don't shut me out, Kate," he begged, eyes pleading just the same. "I can't- I can't have you walk away from me again."

The sadness that dulled his eyes was absolutely crushing, the plea in his voice tearing at her heart. Beckett lowered her eyes, ashamed of everything she'd ruined; of everything she wasn't ready to head back to just yet.

"I won't," she promised.

Though Castle saw what she wasn't saying. "But you're not ready to start us up again, are you?"

Her heart sank into a pit low in her stomach as she shook her head. He turned away from her immediately, trying to hide the heartbroken expression that spread over his features. So she moved for him, fingers curling around his elbow to draw him back.

"I want us to be a family," she whispered. "But I don't want you to think I'm just here because of the baby."

Castle stilled at her admission, but didn't meet her eyes just yet.

"I- I _never_ want you to have that doubt in your mind," she breathed. "But I know if I come back to you now, the niggling question will always be there."

Spinning around slowly, he lifted his eyes to meet hers. "I don't think that," he told her.

They both knew it was a lie.

"Yes you do," she called him out. "I can see it in your eyes. After what happened with Meredith and the marriage for Alexis that fell apart all too soon, I don't blame you. So please- I'm just asking you to give us a little more time. I'm asking you to give _me_ a little more time, because I'm still struggling with this."

"I just- I don't understand what you want from me."

She shouldn't. She shouldn't make this any harder on him than she was already.

But she couldn't help himself. She couldn't leave without giving him reassurance, without him _knowing_ just how much he meant to her.

And _God_- she missed him. She missed the nights spent lying next to him. She missed the loving touch of his lips to hers, the gentle caress of his hands as they swept of her body. The way he loved her, the way he glowed when bathed in the morning light. His cheeky smile, the crinkle of his eyes, the jokes he cracked – good and bad.

So without another moment's hesitation, she cupped his face between gentle palms and kissed him.

The dam broke.

Sweet and tender was gone in a moment, replaced by fast and desperate. His fingers gripped her slender waist tight as her head tilted up to meet his already parting lips. He drew the moan out from within all too easily, swallowing the sound with his own lips as he walked her backward, pushing her across the threshold and into his bedroom.

His fingers found their way under her blouse, his touch burning as they swept over her skin before he all ripped the cotton over her head.

"Castle," she gasped as his lips found that spot on her neck. "Castle, please."

Nothing else was said.

* * *

Beckett's mind was still racing long after they'd fallen down onto Castle's bed. He was fast asleep beside her, completely dead to the world and oblivious to the panic coursing through her veins. Hot puffs of his breath washed over her forehead as she lay draped over him, his arms curled tight around her waist and refusing to let her go.

Yep, she'd really done it this time.

She wasn't permitted any time to consider exactly what this was, though. A deep buzzing sounded across Castle's hardwood floors as her phone began to rang. Before it could wake him she twisted from his arms and slipped from the sheets, hastily snatching up the device and answering the call with a whisper.

A body drop. Tonight of all nights.

A flick of her eyes to the clock on his nightstand revealed the time. Three in the morning. She didn't want to leave without a word, but to wake him at this time?

Angling her head so she could get a glimpse at him, a sigh escaped her lips. The lines of his face melted away as he slept, a boyish expression replacing the hurt from before. His lips had parted into a small _o_, chest rising and falling with each slow breath. Bathed in the glow of the moonlight from the windows high above his bed he looked so peaceful.

She couldn't disturb him.

Beckett padded around his room as quietly as she could, slipping into her clothes discarded across the floor. Boots in her hand so the clack of her heels wouldn't wake him, she was just about to slip from the room when his voice cut through the night.

"Don't leave."

The tremor to his voice froze her veins. "I have to," she choked out regretfully. "Dispatch called. A body dropped. Karpowski's team already has a full case load so they need us to cover it."

He pushed himself up off the mattress, leaning his weight on one arm as he met her eyes. "You always wake me."

She offered him a small smile and hoped it was enough. "You looked too peaceful."

Castle didn't buy it. "You're not ready, are you?"

Her throat closed over, knotting tight. "I-" She broke off, swallowed the thick lump in her throat. "I don't know what I am, Castle. I'm just so confused."

"I know you are," he spoke coldly, "But I'm getting tired of waiting. I can't do it forever."

The tension radiated off him in waves, hitting her hard across the room. Holding back no longer she moved to him, swept her fingertips along his jawline before pressing a lingering kiss to his lips.

"Wednesday, five o'clock," she whispered. "First appointment, just two days away. You in?"

His only response was the touch of his lips back to hers.


	7. Chapter 7

**Seven**

* * *

_Early September 2012._

* * *

Beckett shrunk into her seat, completely out of her element.

Crime scenes she could handle. Murderers she could handle. Staring down the barrel of a gun she could handle. Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for her first appointment?

Yeah. That was an entirely different story.

Everything felt… surreal. As if this wasn't really happening to her. As if this was just any old appointment, with nothing life-changing.

It wasn't as if she had no desire to have children. Then again, she'd never expressed any longing for the opposite either. She just didn't_ know_ how she felt. It was one of those things she figured she'd consider when the timing was right, when she'd been in a relationship long enough to warrant the discussion. She certainly never thought it would happen barely a few months into a relationship with a man who wanted more from her than she could give right now.

She exhaled a steady breath, slowing the whirl of confusion emotions. She ran her slick palms along the length of her thighs, focusing the nervous energy out of her body. Her eyes flicked up to the door, though once again they revealed no sight of Castle.

But he would be here.

And he was.

It wasn't until the very last moment – when her name had already been called and she was about to follow the doctor through to the back – when he raced in.

"Sorry," he panted as he half-jogged over to her, eyes swimming with an apology as he reached for her hand. "Got caught up writing."

She couldn't suppress the instinct to roll her eyes, but a smile broke out on her face all the same.

He was here.

* * *

April twelfth.

The date seemed just around the corner, barely any time at all.

The date they would meet their child.

"I'll bet you anything right now the kid comes on the due date," he extended the offer as they meandered through the heavy foot traffic.

She arched an amused eyebrow at him. "You realise less than five percent of babies are born on their due date?"

Was there anything she didn't know?

"Yeah, but this is _your_ kid we're talking about," was all he said. "You. Miss On Time For Everything."

Beckett scoffed. "I am _not_ like that," she defended herself, pitch of her voice rising high as if she didn't really believe her own words. "Besides- this kid is half _you_. You're anything but predictable."

He rolled his eyes, but had no argument. It was true.

"If you're so sure, care to bet on it?"

Reaching her Dodge Charger, Castle paused on the sidewalk and extended a hand to shake. Beckett spun around and eyed his hand with amusement.

Then she shook her head. "By the time April rolls around, you'll have long forgotten about this."

"Just hear out my terms."

She crossed her arms but conceded. "Fine. Let's hear them."

He grinned and leaned forward enticingly. "Midnight feeds for a week. Loser does them all."

Beckett scrunched her face. "I don't know. Making you get up all night ever night for a week? That's a little cruel even for me."

One eyebrow quirked, Castle sung out, "Ohhh, oh, oh. You seem awfully confident there, Beckett."

"Of course I'm confident. I know I'll win."

"Odds _are_ stacked against me." He stretched his hand forward just a little and waggled his eyebrows. "Go on. You know you want to."

It earned him nothing more than an eye roll. "Get in the car, Castle. I'll drive you home."

Even with hands fisted in defeat and a mutter of a curse under his breath, Castle slid into the passenger seat eagerly. Their conversation remained light, brushing over the heavy weight of their situation as they stuck to idle chitchat.

When she pulled up alongside the curb a block from his building, though, everything changed.

"Nine weeks already," she murmured. Ducking her head, she sighed heavily. "Are you sure you're okay with all of this?"

Castle reached across the centre console and covered her hand gently with his. "This isn't unwanted at all, Kate," he insisted in a soft voice. "Don't doubt that. It's a surprise, yes, and there's a lot to figure out, but we'll get there."

Chewing her lower lip uncertainly, she still refused to meet his gaze, shielding herself from him with the wavy curtain of her hair. "How can you be so sure?"

_Because I love you_.

He swallowed the words already bubbling on his tongue, opting for a casual shrug. "Because this is _us_. Nothing has ever been easy. Doesn't mean it won't be worth every minute of it."

At her lack of response – nothing more than a straight face and lowered eyes – Castle frowned. Her hesitance was disconcerting, alarm bells ringing in his head. Yet he didn't know what to do- push and risk her pushing back even harder, or hold back and patiently wait for her out.

His uncensored mouth decided for him. "Do _you_ want this?" he blurted ungracefully.

Beckett pressed her lips into a tight line before responding. "I-" Voice choked, she swallowed a knot in her throat and exhaled a heavy sigh.

"It's okay to be afraid," he assured her. "You don't have to put on an act for me."

"I just… I don't know. I don't know _what_ I'm feeling. Everything- it's all so confusing. So fast." She shook her head as if to clear her mind. "I feel like I should be feeling something _more_ than I am. It seems so… surreal. As if it's not really happening."

The ache in her voice tore apart his heart, flooding a wave of anguish through his veins. Not missing a beat he flipped her hand over to entwine their fingers, giving a gentle squeeze of hope and encouragement. Only then did she finally lift her eyes – full of apprehension and gratefulness alike – to meet his.

"It'll sink in, Kate. The moment it happens is different for everyone, but it _will_ happen."

"What did you feel?" she asked carefully, eyes flickering with curiosity. "When you found out about Alexis?"

"I was terrified," he admitted on a half-laugh. "God, I was just a kid myself back then. I had no idea how to raise a child."

She nodded absently. "And when did it all become real? When did you feel it was… right?"

Castle considered her question for a long moment before offering the truth. "I don't know," he confessed. "It wasn't a single moment. Just a slow process. There was a lot of fumbling around when she was born- for a long time after, too. But I woke up one day and cradled this little girl in my arms and realised everything already fit."

A small, grateful smile aside, she offered no other response.

"Whenever that moment happens… until then, you're not doing this alone. I'm here."

The tense lines of her face began to relax then, the cutting apprehension melting away to be replaced by the soft look he loved so much. Head falling back against the headrest, she let it loll to the side to peer over at him. "I know," she whispered, thumb tenderly brushing across the back of his hand. "And I'm so grateful."

Castle's heart skipped a little faster. God, when she looked at him like that – with the curl of her lips and the love just brimming in her eyes – it just meltedhim. Left him wondering where they stood, because how could she look at him like _that_ – all love and longing – if there was nothing left to salvage?

It had been two weeks now. That was two weeks too long. As much as he understood her need for space, and as fast as they'd had this new curveball thrown at them, he just… He wanted her back. This state of limbo in their relationship wouldn't hold for much longer before everything fell apart. Just that thought shot a rush of cutting panic through his veins, his stomach already curdling with only the picture of a life he'd have to spend without her.

So the question of what the hell they were bubbled on his tongue, mouth parting to let the words out when she suddenly withdrew her hand and broke their gaze. "I, uh- I have to go," she mumbled a weak excuse.

It was a Wednesday night. What plans did she have?

He exhaled a deep sigh, a heavy weight sinking in his chest. "Kate-"

"I have to go," she whispered, voice raspy as it caught in her throat.

Castle bit down on his tongue harsh and swallowed his questions. He gave a curt nod, saying nothing as he slipped out of the car without another glance at her.

"I'll call you if we get a case?" she called out after him gently, her eyes shining under the lights of the city with the offer she begged for him to accept.

He took it. How could he not?

Weak though it made him, he'd take whatever she would give.


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight**

* * *

_One month ago. Early August 2012._

* * *

She loved moments like these. Wrapped in their own world, a bright little bubble that held them close, kept out any and all interruptions. The days they don't have anywhere to be. No crime scenes to attend, no suspects to arrest, no tiring all-day meetings at his publishers. They come far and few between, but when they did, she made damn sure to hold onto them.

This wasn't the usual for a Sunday morning. No, that consisted of brunch with Alexis – as per his family tradition – and Martha if she were up early enough. Today, though, the light rain tapped a gentle rhythm on his window, leaving them with nowhere to be.

For August the weather was surprisingly cool, the rain washing away the heat that had clouded the city. His body was her source of warmth and she curled into his side, tucked in close to return the heat. She felt the small puffs of his breath wash over her forehead in between the chaste kisses he would plant there, a steady rhythm that soothed her. The contentment sounded in her throat on a light hum as he trailed the whorls of his fingertips along the curve of her spine, tracing over each bumpy ridge tenderly to leave her skin sparking in their wake.

Beckett flexed her fingers, tapped the tips across his chest, nails raking gently at his skin. Angling her head just right she stretched to lower a hot kiss to his shoulder, his neck, his jawline, her lips curling up in a smile when he shivered under her touch. The hands splayed across her back dipped low, circling around her slender waist, gripping her hips tight as she threw a leg over his hip to roll on top of him.

"Kate…" he murmured.

She cut off the rest of his speech, lips slanting across his in a light, lingering kiss. Her hands wandered of their own accord, along the definition of his arms, down the muscles beginning to strengthen his abdomen, lower, dipping under the already falling sheet. The moan resounded in his throat loud and she swallowed it, let the reverberations fog her mind pleasantly.

Then everything was shattering all too quickly. Castle plucked her fingers from his body, folded them and held them tight. She used her hovering weight above him to her advantage, pinned _his_ hands on the sheets beside his head.

He was stronger. Flipped them over easily, covered her slender frame with his as he broke away from her touch. The deep rejection flashed over her face instantly (because, really- when did he ever say no?), too quick and painful to mask. Embarrassment flushing her cheeks she rolled her head to the side, breaking contact from his piercing eyes as she tried to hide the hurt in her own.

She felt the tender touch of his fingers on her cheek, the light pressure as they drew her face back around. Smoothing over her features she surrendered to his insistence, lifting her eyes to his in a silent question.

"Kate," he whispered, her name sweet on his lips.

His lips lowered to meet hers, capturing them in a long, slow kiss that left her heart missing a beat and her breath a little shallow.

"I love you."

In the air there was nothing but the cutting sound of the sharp intake of her breath. Her eyes grew wide as she peered up from underneath her thick lashes, reflecting a shining mix of astonishment at his sudden confession and adoration for the man.

And then his lips were on hers again, fierce and demanding, drawing out all her love for him. For now the words remained caught on a breath in her throat, but it wasn't the only way to say them.

She would show him.

She loved him too.

* * *

_Early September 2012. Nine weeks._

* * *

He'd only uttered those three words again once since that day, and that was the day she'd walked out on him.

How everything had spun so quickly out of control, she had no idea. Thoughts of the last time he'd told her he loved her on that panicked evening sent her mind into a dizzying tumble. She inhaled a deep breath of much-needed oxygen, let it filter through her lungs to rush around her body, relaxing her every nerve ending that had begun to seize.

When her pounding mind began to calm once again she blinked the room back into focus. She was still standing by her front door, bag in her hand and aqua cardigan wrapped over her shoulders. Feet unsteady, she stepped carefully through her home. The quiet hum of the refrigerator was ignored, the flashing light on her answering machine bypassed. Instead, she moved straight for the comforting privacy of her bedroom, wanting nothing more than to crawl beneath the covers with a book and lose herself within the pages.

Swallowing the final knot in her throat she shrugged out of the woollen pullover, letting her loose white shirt rise up and over her head with it. Kicking off the black business pumps she let out a light sigh as her burning arches hit the ground, pushing them into a neat line at the base of her closet as she flexed her feet. Shimmying out of her deep grey slacks, they joined her blouse and cardigan in the hamper in the corner, along with her bra and underwear before she moved for the hot spray of her shower.

She was just ringing out her dripping hair with a towel when her phone buzzed loud in her bag. Front tooth dug harsh into her lower lip, Beckett considered leaving it to ring out. There wasn't a doubt in her mind as to who was calling, and she'd left his street not an hour ago with the excuse of holding up plans (though she doubted he'd bought her flimsy lie).

When she pulled out the ringing device, though, her thumb swiped across the screen to answer of its own accord.

* * *

The loft was quiet when he wandered through the front door. Castle dropped his keys into the bowl by the door, plucked up the bright yellow post-it that stuck to the bottom.

_At the movies with Paige. Be home before ten. Love you. Alexis._

One redhead down, though the light spilling from the upstairs landing signalled the other redheaded occupant of his loft was still here. For the meantime, at least.

Moving through his living room, he flicked on the TV for comforting background noise before heading to the kitchen. The fridge revealed nothing exciting, but the cold blast of the freezer found a container of leftover spaghetti. It would do. Popping the frozen block into the microwave, he was retrieving a bowl and cutlery when the clack of his mother's heels on the wooden staircase called for his attention.

Castle spun around, found the black sequins on her blouse throwing the light from the kitchen over the walls of his loft. "And where are you off to? It's a school night, you know," he called out jokingly.

Martha chuckled and clicked her way into the kitchen. "Out and about," she sung out with a dramatic wave of her arms.

A smirk cracked out at her secrecy and he turned away, pulling down a wine glass from the cabinets overhanging the bench.

"So, how you holding up, kiddo?" Her eyebrows knit together worriedly as she placed a loving hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged. He didn't know.

"How was the appointment?" his mother continued to prod.

"Good," he offered her. "Really good, actually. Kate wasn't quiet, but she was… distant."

"Is she having a hard time?"

Castle sighed. "I don't know. I think she's struggling more than she realises, but she won't take my help."

The hand on his shoulder gave a reassuring squeeze. "Just be there for her however you can, Richard. Even if she doesn't tell you, trust me when I say just _knowing _she has you to rely on will mean the world."

Martha left with that, leaving Castle alone in his loft, not even the muted voices on the television screen providing any comfort. His stomach rejected the pasta, forcing him to tip the near full bowl of the steaming into the trash. Scrubbing a hand over his tired face he exhaled a long sigh of defeat before heading for his bedroom, leaving a few dim lights on to provide a path for when Alexis arrived home.

The images of Kate flashed bright and powerful at the forefront of his mind as he moved.

Kate standing at the kitchen counter, he swollen belly getting in the way as she shuffled around.

Kate sitting with him on the couch, a sparkling diamond ring on her finger as she sipped at two flutes of celebratory champagne.

Kate standing at the entrance to their bedroom, the child cradled in her arms swaying gently from side to side as she wandered slowly into the room.

Kate holding their child's small hand as she walked them out of the loft and off to the first day of pre-school.

God- he wanted it all so bad.

His cell was snapped up instantly, his thumb swiping across the screen to press on her name before he held up the device to his ear.

"Castle?"

He froze. He hadn't actually expected her to pick up.

"Castle? You there?"

Right. Words. He should use them.

"Hey," he rasped. Castle held the phone away from his face as he cleared his throat. "Uh, hey."

"Hey," she repeated slowly, amusement lacing her tone.

His cheeks flushed as he pictured the sure smirk curling up her lips.

"Everything okay, Castle?" Her voice was soft, caring. Left him wanting to open up.

"Yeah," he lied. "Just- wanted to make sure you got home okay."

He was thankful when she didn't bother to hold up her bullshit of an excuse. "I did."

Castle hummed softly, the vibrations ticking in his throat. "All right. Well, I'll- yeah. I'll let you go."

There was a beat of silence where he thought she'd already disconnected the call, but then, "Are _you_ okay, Castle?"

His throat seized over, heart heavy as it rose into his throat. "Of course," he lied again, the catch in his voice all too telling. "Just don't stress, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed on a breath. "I'll see you soon."

Heart already high, the words slipped off his lips before his mind could filter them. "Love you."

* * *

He clicked off the line before she had a chance to push herself to say it back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Nine**

* * *

_Early September 2012. Nine weeks._

* * *

"What are all the boxes for? Building a fort?" Castle chuckled to himself. As he glanced around the living room, a picture of perfectly stacked boxes forming a fortress was already filling his mind. He wondered whether they had enough blankets to cover the entire living room like the time he'd done so for Alexis' fifth birthday.

Ah. That had been a good day.

When he finally drew his attention back to Alexis, there was nothing but an unamused, deadpanned expression etched on her face. "I'm leaving for college in a week," she stated.

The smile slipped from his face instantly. "A week? Already?"

"You forgot?"

"I- no. Just didn't realise you were leaving so soon. It sort of crept up, don't you think?"

Alexis ducked her head. "Yeah. I know what you mean."

His daughter's small voice pricking at his heart, he crossed the room and drew her into a tight bear hug. "You ready for college?"

"Honestly? I don't know." Alexis shrugged in his arms. "I know I'm not going away that far, but I just keep thinking about all those times I visited Mom in L.A. and I was so homesick because you weren't there. How am I going to feel when it's like that every single day?"

Castle dropped a fatherly kiss to her forehead. "You know you can come home any time, don't you?" he stressed sincerely. "Even if all you want is a hug or some pancakes. I don't want you to ever think that just because you're in college doesn't mean that you're only welcome here for the holidays."

"I know," Alexis whispered, a smile finally lighting up her face. "Thanks, Dad."

"How about we head out and grab a late breakfast? You hungry? I think I can hear Pepito's waffles calling us…" he sung out, holding up a cupped hand to his ear for dramatic effect.

Alexis rolled her eyes, but chuckled all the same. "Sure. Just let me grab my bag and we'll go."

Watching his daughter disappear up the staircase, his heart both warmed with pride at the person Alexis had become and sunk with the misery that their father-daughter time was drawing to a close. His eyes raked over the boxes, only noticing now they were all packed with her childhood belongings. Trophies, photo albums, stuffed toys…

This was it, and e couldn't believe it. His little girl was going to college. God- the first time he'd held her in his arms – the tiny little baby with so much personality that she was – felt like just yesterday.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Castle spun around, eyebrow flicking up in question at his mother's voice.

"About Beckett, and…" Martha trailed off, but there was only one thing she could be talking about.

"You think I should?"

Martha gave a simple nod. "I think she has a right to know. Wouldn't it be better for her to find out now from her father, than hear it on the rumour mill a few months down the road?"

Castle exhaled a long breath, steadying himself as his heart picked up with just the thought of the conversation. He lowered himself slowly onto the sofa, leaning forward to rest his forearms against his knees. "I know I need to tell Alexis, but-"

"Tell me what?"

Head whipping around, Castle found Alexis standing at the base of the staircase, a quizzical expression etched on her face as she stared at him in expectation.

"Alexis…"

"Tell me what?" Alexis pressed on stubbornly, arms folding over her chest as she stalked across the open space. "What's been going on, Dad? The scotch, the late nights, the lack of a mention of a certain detective… If the two of you are having problems then that's fine- I'll stay out of it. But if there's something more, I think I have a right to know."

Still, he hesitated. "I- I don't know if this is the right time."

Alexis threw her arms out to gesture at the stacks of boxes. "I'm leaving for college in a week, Dad. If there's something you want to get off your chest, now would be the time."

Yeah. All right.

With a heavy sigh sinking in his chest Castle pat the spot on the lounge beside him. "Sit down, Pumpkin. Let's talk."

Alexis seemed to calm as she moved to take a seat, the angry lines on her face softening into a silent patience as she waited for him to continue. Yet Castle took a long moment, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration.

Where to begin? It had been just the two of them for so long. Granted there had been Meredith in the beginning and Gina for a few years after that, and now his mother had been living with them for God knows how long, but he and Alexis had always just had each other. Never really _needed_ anyone else. And now, Alexis was going to college with the fear that they remain close because he wouldn't be by her side every day.

So how the hell was he supposed to tell her that it wasn't even going to be just the two of them anymore?

A prompting hand on his knee drew his attention back to Alexis. "Dad?"

He met her eyes and swallowed the seizing knot in his throat. "Kate-" he rasped. He cleared his throat awkwardly, the words choking before tumbling out. "She's- she's pregnant."

The hand on his knee retracted instantly. Alexis scooted away from him, her freezing into one of horror. "What?" Her voice was nothing more than an appalled whisper as her head shook slowly from side to side in disbelief. "Dad… I- no."

Castle sighed. This outburst was just what he'd feared. "Alexis-"

"_No_, Dad," she cried out, jumping up from her seat. "This isn't okay. I'm going to _college_ next week. God- what were you _thinking_?"

He reached for his daughter but she shook off his touch, putting another large step between them. "Please, Alexis," he begged softly. "Just calm down, okay? You know how much I've loved raising you, and-"

"And, what?" she demanded. "Since I'm going to college now, you thought you'd just _replace_ me?"

"No one could ever replace you." His voice was steady, the lines of his face nothing but serious as he fought off her overreaction. "Alexis, never _ever_ think that. You- God, you're my little girl, Alexis. Nothing – _nothing_ – will ever change that."

The sincerity of his words finally reaching her, Alexis sagged down onto the other end of the couch. "I honestly don't know what to say," his daughter whispered, eyes lowering to hide the tears he'd already seen.

It absolutely broke his heart.

"Just promise me no matter what happens, you'll never leave," Castle pleaded softly. "Things may be a little different, but you're always going to be my little girl."

With red cheeks and eyes brimming with tears, Alexis nodded. "You can't get rid of me this easily," she joked half-heartedly. "Just… give me time."

Castle opened his arms to her then. His daughter stared at him a little tentatively before finally conceding. She slid across the sofa and into his open arms, crumpling into his side in what he wished was acceptance but knew to be a loss.

* * *

The call came all too early the following morning. An unwelcome wakeup call, her phone blared loud and persistent as the early light of dawn only just began to trickle through her open blinds. Beckett slapped her hand across her face in a weak attempt to wake herself up before she blindly answered the phone.

Another murder. Of course.

Before setting down the phone Beckett thumb through her contacts list, pressing down on Castle's name. As usual with him, the dial tone near rang out before his raspy voice floated across the line.

"'Ello?" he mumbled, voice slurred with sleep.

"Body drop," she sighed. "You in?"

He hummed. "Yeah. 'Kay. Text me the address?"

"And I'll call you again in five to make sure you're up."

When she clicked off the line, he was already asleep. Beckett rolled her eyes. Typical.

After shooting him the promised message, her phone slipped from her fingers to hit the mattress with a muted _thump_. Rather than rising just yet she rolled back over, pressing her face into the feather pillow to grasp onto the last few moments of peace before what she knew would be a demanding day.

Her fingers slipped across the back of her neck, unsticking the hair that her stuck to the slick beads of sweat triggered by the heat wave plaguing the city. She kicked her legs free from the light sheet covering her, letting out the stuffy air that had gathered underneath and exposing her pins to the barely-there breeze floating through her open window.

It wasn't enough.

With only the thought of a cool shower as incentive, Beckett dug her elbows into the mattress, lifting herself up in preparation to roll slowly out of bed. The moment her feet hit the floor, though, she took off running. With her head rushing dizzyingly and legs weak, she barely stumbled into the bathroom in time to throw herself over the porcelain toilet before her stomach heaved.

Morning sickness.

Fantastic.


	10. Chapter 10

**Ten**

* * *

_Early September 2012. Nine weeks._

* * *

Beckett inhaled another long breath as she stepped from her car onto the sidewalk. The heat was absolutely stifling, the sun blistering despite the relatively early hour. Even her chosen attire of light grey pants and a loose white top did nothing to help against the muggy air, the fabric still clinging to her skin suffocatingly. She wiped the perspiration from her brow and took another large gulp of water. The liquid was refreshing as it slid down her throat, helped to settle her stomach still swirling nauseously. After one last sip she threw the bottle back in her Dodge Charger and slammed the door shut. She was already far past late. Time to get a move on.

"Hey, Detective Beckett," Officer Hastings greeted her from the base of the run-down apartment block.

Beckett returned the smile. "Hey."

"You feeling all right?" Hastings asked her, brow knitting as she eyed her carefully. "You look a little pale."

"Just the heat." Beckett shrugged it off as she glanced up at the building. "Uh, which apartment?"

"Fifth floor. Second door on the left."

Eager to finish the conversation, Beckett stepped around Hastings without another word. As expected, the lobby was not any cooler than outside, though at least it provided some relief from the scorching sun. Sucking in another long breath to cool herself, she glanced around for the elevator.

No elevator. Of course.

Head still spinning in the heat, Beckett gripped one hand onto the balustrade as she tackled the staircase slowly. It was a slow process, though evidently not slow enough. Just as she reached the fourth floor landing her heel missed the step and she stumbled. She barely had the time to clutch the railing and stop herself from tumbling to the ground, instead swinging around at the last moment to crash into the wall.

Beckett paused for a long moment, teeth grinding together as she waited for the sudden swirling dizziness to pass. By the time she reached the fifth floor with no more tumbles, her father's wristwatch had ticked by another few minutes. Plastering on an innocent face she threw a left on the landing, wandering into the crime scene as if she were only a few minutes rather than an hour late.

Castle's eyes were on her the moment she appeared, his face scrunching with concern as he covered the few paces between them. "Everything all right?" he murmured.

She nodded once. "Fine."

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Kate, you're white as a sheet."

Her eyes fluttered as she exhaled a long breath to steady herself. "Just the heat."

"You mean the hormones?" he called her lie.

She offered a casual shrug of her shoulders. "S'not so bad," she lied again. Spending an hour over the toilet bowl was anything but normal.

Castle clicked his tongue. "Kate-"

"Honestly, Castle," she interrupted, a slight growl to her voice that he would just drop it. "It's just the heat that's brought this on. I was fine before today."

With that she left him standing underneath the doorway while she stepped over to Lanie. "So- who's the victim?" she asked, crouching down beside the M.E. to get a close-up of their victim.

"Twenty-four year old Melanie Stevens," Beckett heard Ryan call over her shoulder. She tilted her head back up at him as she listened. "She was supposed to have breakfast with her boyfriend- a Mitchell Peterson. When she never showed and wouldn't answer his calls he dropped by, only to find the door forced open and Melanie lying here."

"How'd she die?" Beckett turned back to Lanie.

Lanie pointed to the blood tangled in the girl's hair. "Blunt force trauma to the back of her head."

Beckett sighed. The girl would have never seen it coming.

"Any idea what caused it?" she asked.

Lanie shook her head. "Not yet. I should be able to let you know by the end of the day. What I _can_ tell you is that she was killed sometime between nine and two, but again I'll narrow it down once I get her back to the morgue."

"Right." Beckett nodded, pressing her palms down onto her thighs and resting her weight on the balls of her feet to jump up. "So-"

She was almost upright when the room spun around her. Blinking furiously, the figures of her friends faded in and out of focus as black spots began taking over her vision. Beckett swayed, throwing her hands out either side of her to try and regain her balance when her head whirled, and she fell.

She hadn't even reached the ground before she felt Castle's strong arms around her waist. The writer pulled her against his chest, managing to keep her upright as the room continued to spin. His grip around her waist was tight, unwavering even when she tried to break away. But when her head grew too faint to even hold up, she gave in.

Legs weak, Beckett leaned on Castle as he guided her quickly out of the room and away from prying eyes. Carefully, he eased her down onto the top step of the staircase, holding her up until he sat down beside her. With a gentle tug she fell against his chest, head lolling to rest on his shoulder. She squeezed her eyes shut, welcoming the blackness over the dizzying hallway as she waited for it to pass and for Castle's speech to start.

As expected, it didn't take long.

"Kate-"

"It's just hot, okay?" she interrupted. Her tone was soft – she was grateful, after all – yet there was an underlying edge that stressed he needed to stop. "I just… stood up too fast."

"Kate, you're not fine."

"Castle, please don't argue with me. I don't want to hear it."

"Just humour me, would you?" Castle begged her softly, unable to let it go. As usual. "Are you feeling nauseous at all?"

She pressed her lips together guiltily.

"You are, aren't you?"

"Yes," she sighed. "Not now, but- before. At home."

Even with her eyes still shut, Beckett felt him nod carefully. "So if it's passing… you think you'll be all right at the precinct? Terrible as the air con is, it should be a little cooler over there."

Eyes fluttering open, she smiled up at Castle, grateful he was suggesting an alternative solution rather than demanding she head home. "Thank you," she murmured.

Neither moved for a few minutes, nor talked. Just sat patiently on the staircase while the dizzying rush passed. While they waited Castle scooped up her hair with one hand, pulling it off the back of her neck to help her cool. Then his fingertips trailed tenderly down her spine, tracing soothing patterns over her lower back that drew her attention from the black spots in her vision.

"You feeling any better?" he asked softly a few minutes later.

She hummed. "Yeah. Think so." Beckett tested her theory by lifting her head from Castle's shoulder and glancing around. "Help me up?" she asked all the same.

He offered one hand out for her, keeping her steady as she tugged herself up. When he was satisfied her legs wouldn't give way Castle dropped his hand, let her wander back into the crime scene to excuse herself.

"You okay, Girl?" Lanie called out softly.

Beckett nodded, mentally shrugging off every eye that had now turned to her. "Yeah. Just the heat," she lied before turning to the boys. "I'm going to head to the station. Call Melanie's parents and run the usual background checks. Check in with me when you two finish up here and I'll let you know what I've got."

The boys gave her twin nods, eyes scrutinising her carefully before they shot one another a look. Subtle they were not, but she dropped it. At least they weren't harassing her about it.

The downward journey was every bit as slow as the upward one had been, each step careful with an fierce grip on the balustrade. Castle kept close, a concerned hand gripping on her elbow. Too close. In this heat she wanted to push him away, let some air flow between them to blow away the thick mugginess. She surrendered with barely an argument, though. Having him close enough to catch her if she took a tumble wasn't a half-bad idea.

The sweltering heat wrapped around her suffocatingly once again the moment her foot hit the sidewalk. Beckett moved straight for the protection of her car from the sun's blistering rays, eager for whatever half-assed air conditioning the Dodge Charger would muster up. Behind her she sensed Castle pause, but she was already throwing her keys at him before he had the chance to verbalise the protests they both knew were coming.

"Live it up while you can," she smirked at him, eyes flicking down to the keys he cupped preciously in his hands. "Won't be happening again."

* * *

"Castle, just stop it." Beckett exhaled a light sigh, eyes fluttering shut to block out his watchful eyes.

"Stop what?" he asked innocently.

"Stop looking over at me every five seconds and keep your eyes on the road. I'm dizzy, not dying."

"Don't be a backseat driver." His teasing tone let her know he wasn't offended.

She let out a light chuckle to that. "Your concern is touching, but you're overreacting. And to think you're the one who's been through this before," she threw back at him.

To that, he fell silent.

"Everything okay?" she murmured.

He curled his lips into a tight line. "I, uh-" Castle cleared his throat awkwardly. "I told Alexis."

Casually, she gave a subtle nod. "How'd she take it?"

There was a beat of silence that did nothing to reassure her. "Wasn't the best," he finally admitted.

"Don't blame her," Beckett defended the girl. "It's a bit of a shock."

Or a hell of a shock.

Either way, Castle stretched his arm across the centre console to rest a gentle hand on her knee, thumb rubbing tight, soothing circles. "I promise she'll settle," he pleaded softly for her to understand.

She gave a quick nod and shot him a smile for good measure. "I know. It's okay."

"Speaking of people knowing…" Castle started slowly. "Have you told Gates?"

"Not yet," she confessed. "No chance. She's been out of the precinct in meetings with the higher-ups for the past few days."

"When's she due back?"

She shrugged. "Today? Maybe tomorrow. I don't know. It's the big once-a-year review, but they brought it up early this year. Wanted to get ahead on the planning for next year, but it's causing more problems that it's solving."

The nod he gave was a little absent.

"I _will_ tell her, Castle," she swore. "But even if I didn't, there won't be another repeat of the other day."

Still, he said nothing.

"Do you trust me?" she asked softly.

No hesitation in his answer. "With my life."

It was nothing less than entirely honest, and she felt nothing but the same.

* * *

Beckett's heart sank when they stepped off the elevator and onto the fourth floor, her eyes immediately honing in on Gates office.

She was back.

Damn. Here went nothing.

Balling her suddenly sweating palms into fists, Beckett rapped her knuckles softly on the glass door. The Captain waved her in, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

"Do you have a moment, sir?"

Gates nodded. Damn.

"But make it quick," the other woman stressed. "I've got a stack of cases to catch up on and a few dozen phone calls to return."

Quick. Sure.

Like ripping off a band-aid.

"I'm pregnant."

It was nothing more than a blurted-out breath, but Gates caught it all. She straightened in her seat at the news, a small smile lifting the corners of her deep mauve lips. "Well, it appears a congratulations is in order."

"I- thank you?" It came out like a question.

Gates simply smiled. "Detective, I appreciate your honesty with this," she continued. "And for the record, you have my complete confidence."

"And that is much appreciated."

"Does your team know?" Gates asked.

Mouth parting awkwardly, Beckett shook her head. "Not… yet," she spoke slowly. "For now, I'd prefer they remained in the dark."

Gated offered a casual shrug of her shoulders. "Your decision, but I'll warn you-" She leaned in to whisper as if letting Beckett in on a secret. "In my experience, they'll find out sooner than you might think. They _are_ detectives."

"They're also clueless men," she joked.

The Captain let out a light chuckle with a nod of agreement, but her eyes dropped to the papers covering her desk. Beckett took the cue and took a backward step toward the door.

Her hand was already on the doorknob when Gates called out. "Oh, and Detective?"

Beckett angled her head back towards Gates. "Yes, sir?"

Busied in her paperwork, the Captain didn't even look up when she spoke, her tone knowing yet disinterested when she spoke.

"Tell Mister Castle I said congratulations."


	11. Chapter 11

**Eleven**

* * *

_Early September 2012. Nine weeks._

* * *

With two steaming mugs of decaf (cue groan) warming his hands, Castle was just taking his loyal seat beside Beckett's desk when she stepped out of Gates' office. Her face was curiously numb, movement slow and unsteady, eyes wide but hollow and distant. Without so much as a glance at him, she slowly lowered herself into her chair, her fingertips gripping the rounded edge of her desk as she tucked herself underneath.

Concerned, Castle set their cups down and called out her name softly. "Beckett?"

The trance lifted and her head tilted to acknowledge him, but her eyes were still a little vacant.

"Everything okay?" he asked lightly.

There was a moment of stilled silence before she responded. "She knows," she spoke quietly, almost a peaceful tone to her voice that he'd believe if it didn't look like she were going to crumble at any moment.

Castle nodded. That much was a given. "Did she react… I mean, she wasn't difficult, was she? Didn't give you any trouble over this?"

"No," she shook her head, her movements more steady now. "I mean- she _knows_."

His forehead creased in confusion. "Beckett, I'm not following. Did you tell her or not?"

"Yes," she hissed, leaning across her desk to scoot a little closer. "But Castle- she _knows_."

"Knows _what_?"

"That you're the father."

Castle froze, face slackening with fear as his heart dropped low into his gut. "I- I thought you weren't going to tell her."

"I didn't. She just _knew_."

He swallowed the seizing knot in his throat before he choked out, "_How_?"

"I don't know, Castle," she snapped, throwing her hands into the air at a loss. "We finished talking about the… situation-" she selected her wording carefully, "-and I was about to walk out of her office when all of a sudden she called out for me to tell you-"

"Tell me what?"

"_Congratulations_," she finished on a gasp of a breath.

Too curious to restrain himself, Castle risked a glance behind them at the Captain's office. The woman appeared not at all bothered by the news of their relationship, instead multi-tasking between a phone call and the paperwork on her desk. It left him more than a little dazed.

Twisting back around slowly in his seat, Castle gaped for a moment longer as he tried to absorb exactly what Beckett was suggesting. "Okay. Let's just think about this realistically for a second. You expect me to believe that woman over there-" he threw a thumb over his shoulder, "-knows about us and has nothing to say about it? Are you sure we're talking about the same person? The last time I checked, her disdain for me was only growing."

It earned him a roll of her eyes. "Oh, come on, Castle. She doesn't hate you _that_ much."

Castle scoffed. "Are you sure she wasn't talking about something else? Did she actually say to tell me congratulations about the-"

"Watch it, will you," Beckett hissed, eyes darting at the people bustling around them. "Just because Gates knows doesn't mean everyone else needs to."

He held up his hands in an apology. "Sorry, but-"

"She wasn't talking about anything else. You could hear it in her voice. She _knows_."

Slowly, Castle leant back in his chair. His posture relaxed as he folded his arms behind his head, nodding to himself as he contemplated the situation. "What's the big deal then?" He arched an eyebrow in her direction. "So she knows? If she doesn't have a problem with it, then there's nothing to worry about."

Beckett opened her mouth to retort his point before promptly shutting it again. Considering the conversation finished, Castle picked up the navy mug filled with decaf he'd brewed and held it out in an offer.

"Decaf?"

She accepted the mug with a grateful smile, her fingers lingering just this side of too long as the mug exchanged hands. "Thanks."

Taking a sip, Beckett rubbed her lips together immediately. She lowered the mug from her mouth then, only to stare intently at the liquid.

"What?" he asked, inching up out of the chair to peek at whatever she was studying.

"I- this is good," she spoke slowly over the porcelain rim before taking another long sip. "Really good."

Castle frowned. "And that's… bad?"

She chuckled softly. "No. Just- decaf is never this good."

"Oh. I changed the beans," he explained. "Figured if we're going to be drinking this for the next seven months, we might as well be enjoying it."

Beckett stared at him for a beat, eyebrows knitting together. "You're drinking this too?"

Castle nodded once in response.

She pursed her lips before, "Why?"

"Didn't want to risk you shooting me," he offered her as a joke. "I know how much you enjoy your coffee. Figured this was fair."

"You don't have to do that," she told him. "Honestly. It's a wonderful gesture, Castle, but you don't have to."

Castle gave her a casual shrug of his shoulders. "You know you _can_ still have a little bit of caffeine, right?"

She shook her head stubbornly. "It's fine. Better if I don't."

He shrugged it off – her choice, after all – and shifted to the chair on wheels from Rob's desk. He scooted up alongside her, peering over her shoulder as she booted up the computer, but at the choked sigh in her throat and flick of her eyes to the phone, he rose again in understanding.

The call.

"I'll think I'll grab something to eat," he fabricated a reason to give her privacy. "You want me to pick you up something?"

She hesitated for a moment before saying, "Wouldn't say no to a muffin."

* * *

Box of four super-sized muffins cradled carefully in his palms, Castle hit the pavement outside the Twelfth just as the boys rolled up alongside the curb. He shuffled to the edge of the sidewalk to allow the foot traffic to pass by as he waited for them to jump from their newly issued Dodge Charger.

"Muffin?" He held the lid open and extended the box to the boys.

Esposito eyed him fiercely. "You back for good?"

"Yes." No hesitation.

The chocolate chip muffin was snatched from the box without any further interrogation.

"Not the blueberry," he cried out as Ryan's fingers reached greedily for it. He pulled the box out of the detective's grasp, holding it with a closed lid against his chest for protection.

"But the only other choice is chocolate," Ryan complained. "It's ten in the morning."

"The blueberry is for Beckett. It's either chocolate or nothing."

"Whipped."

Castle tucked the box safely away under his arm.

"All right, all right," Ryan relented with a grumble. "Give me the damn chocolate one."

"So- you find anything at the apartment?" Castle asked as he stepped onto the elevator after both the boys.

Esposito shook his head and hit the button for the fourth floor. "Search turned up nothing. Beckett find anything yet?"

"She was just giving Melanie's parents a call when I stepped out." He held up the box of muffins.

Esposito munched down on the muffin, ripping a chunk off. "So y' left h' to do all th' 'ork?" he mumbled around a mouthful of muffin, a few crumbs spilling to land on the collar of his shirt.

Ryan scrunched his face. "Dude. Gross."

The other detective shrugged, but swallowed the chunk in one. "So you left her to do all the work?" he repeated his accusation.

"No," Castle defended himself as he stepped off the elevator. "I gave her some privacy to make a difficult phone call. And-" He opened the lid of the muffin box in front of Beckett, "-to bring her a muffin to help keep up her strength."

"Strength for what?" Ryan piped up.

Damn.

The sudden slice of fear froze his face, and his mind. "Uh-"

"So I don't faint again," Beckett supplied an answer, eyes lighting up as she plucked up the lone blueberry muffin from the box. "Thank you," she murmured with a sweet smile.

"Yeah," Ryan quipped again. "Definitely whipped."

The swift kick to his shin came the moment Ryan turned away.

"Ouch," he hissed, forcing his lips together so the pain resounded in his throat rather than crying out through the bullpen.

"You deserve it." She levelled a glare over the round top of the muffin and took a bite.

"I bought you a muffin! There are blueberries in that thing the size of a baby's fist."

"And you almost spilled everything to the boys. I know it's not your specialty, but could you at least try and be a little subtler?"

He took an oversized bite of the last chocolate chip muffin to save himself from responding.

He hated when she was right.

* * *

He left the precinct early that afternoon, heading home to start the weekend early and spend the last few days he had with Alexis. A glance at his watch signalled he still had another two hours before she'd be home from shopping with Casey. Plenty of time to duck out and grab some groceries.

With the store just a few blocks from his building, Castle opted to walk the distance, taking in what little fresh air could be sucked out of this city. The setting sun shone the last of its rays over the city, the heat still radiating off the pavement to warm the air around him.

Arms full of groceries, he was half way home when he spotted it.

Sitting in the window display on a baby mannequin was the most adorable little onesie. Castle paused in his tracks, eyeing the outfit almost longingly for a few moments before taking a step towards the window.

He knew he shouldn't. It had only been nine weeks. They weren't even going to find out the sex for months yet. But it didn't matter to him. It was perfect, and Castle couldn't stop himself. Before he knew what he was doing, he was pushing open the door to the shop and handing over his credit card. And when he walked out a minute later, Castle smiled contently to himself as he tucked the present safely under his arm.


	12. Chapter 12

**Twelve**

* * *

_Mid September 2012. Ten weeks._

* * *

A week passed by before Beckett even had the chance to blink. Time divided between spending a last couple of days with Alexis while he could and the book signings he was harassed into, Castle's presence at the precinct had been lacking. And with their relationship hanging in this awkward, undefined state, it had been a lonely week with little communication.

So when Saturday night finally rolled around, Beckett couldn't deny her eagerness to spend some much-missed time with Castle at Ryan's thirty-fifth. After a few days of his presence around her again – the fun and laughter and that smile that lit up his face and crinkled his eyes – the week without him had been miserable. She missed him and their relationship more than she realised. There was a sliver of hope that tonight would provide the perfect opportunity to chat and have fun and just _be_.

But first- Ryan.

"Happy birthday," Beckett greeted as she wandered through the open door and into her friend's apartment.

"Thanks, Beckett," Ryan responded with a warm smile. "Glad you could make it."

She pulled him into a friendly hug. "Of course."

"So- wine?" he offered her immediately, ushering her over to the kitchen.

She followed but gave a gentle shake of her head, a hand held up in polite protest. "Ah, no. I'm fine, but thanks."

"No, no," Ryan continued, grabbing a glass despite her protests and reaching for a bottle of red. "I insist. I'll even give you some of the good stuff. Jenny and I found this great little bottle when we went wine tasting last month. You'll love it."

Beckett shook her head against more insistently, glancing around the apartment for quick escape. "Oh, no, Ryan, I-"

A full glass of wine was shoved into her hand without warning. Beckett snapped her head back to face Ryan, the grin on his face. "Honestly, Beckett- you'll love it. We-" Suddenly, he was looking over his shoulder, an apologetic expression on his face. "Oh, sorry. My sister just arrived. She's, uh- heavily pregnant. I'd better say hello."

Ryan was gone again before Beckett could even open her mouth. Pressing her lips together, Beckett sighed at the glass of red in her hand. All she had wanted all week was to soak in a tub full of bubbles, reading a good book as she sipped at a glass of red, a plate of cheese and crackers perched on the edge.

Not anymore.

Realising she was still standing on alone in the corner, Beckett searched the room for a familiar face. There were a few faces she recognised- cops from other precincts Ryan most likely knew from his days before Homicide, some family she'd met at his wedding- but no one she was particularly acquainted with just yet. Spotting Jenny across the room, Beckett decided she would thank her for the invitation when her path was blocked by a sudden weight. Startling to a stop, she flicked her eyes back to find a man who held some vague familiarity in her mind.

"Hi," he smiled all too charmingly, a hand held out for her to shake. "I'm Mick."

"Uh, Beckett." Cringing at her dull tone, she a forced smile on her face and took his hand politely.

"You work with Ryan, right?" With one eyebrow arched in question, he sported a smug half-grin on his face as if he already knew the answer. "I think I remember you from his wedding. You were sitting with the guys from the Twelfth."

She nodded absently while she mentally scanned the crowd of faces at the wedding in search of his. She came up short. Aside from the main wedding party and Ryan's overly-loud family, the only face she could really remember was Castle's as he entertained her through the night and kept men like Mick away.

"Yeah. Homicide," she eventually responded, a bite to her tone in a subtle warning. She knew he was just being friendly, but it was a Saturday night. She didn't want any shoptalk. She wanted light conversation, something that would take her mind off the weight of her situation. She wanted-

Castle.

"I used to work with Ryan back in Narcotics," Mick continued obliviously.

A light bulb switched on in her hand. The reason for his familiarity. She had crossed paths with him years ago – long before Castle ever started working with them – when a group of cops stumbled across a dead body in the middle of a drug raid. She'd worked the joint task force with him, and if memory served to be correct, he'd been the one to crack the case.

"You're the one who works with Richard Castle, right?" His tone was light as he waved a finger in the air, trying to place her. "The one he's based a few novels on?"

"Castle's my partner," she defended quickly.

"Yeah, Ryan mentioned he's actually quite helpful," Mick noted with a nod. "If his books are anything to go by, I'm sure he's useful."

The scowl on Beckett's forehead smoothed over as she relaxed her posture. "You've read them?" she asked, voice a little dry with disbelief.

Mick chuckled at her tone but nodded. "Yeah. I much prefer reading about murders to actually working them. And Nikki Heat… she's an engaging character."

"The job has its days," she agreed on a long breath, intentionally disregarding the Nikki Heat comment. Mick's intentions aside, this definitely beat standing in the corner alone.

"So…" he drawled out in a curious tone, "How much of his books are… based in reality?"

Oh. Straight to the point, Mick was.

On an automatic response, Beckett opened her mouth to reply with her usual _it's all fiction_. But if Captain Gates already knew about their relationship… was there any point in denying it?

Fortunately for her, she needn't make a decision. Ever (rarely) on time, Castle walked through the door, providing the perfect excuse to leave. With barely a glance back at Mick, she pushed her way through the quickly growing sea of guests as she moved toward Castle. Slipping through the crowd, she realised he must have noticed her the moment he arrived. His eyes were darting back and forward between her and Mick, a flicker of possessiveness as he seized up the narcotics detective.

She didn't bother to explain, though (what _was_ there to explain?). Just shoved her wine glass into his hand and hissed, "Drink this."

Confusion lines creased his forehead. "I'm sorry?"

"Drink half of this," she repeated. "Quick, before Ryan sees you."

"You trying to get me drunk, Detective?" The playfulness of his tone matched the teasing twinkle in his eyes.

She levelled a warning glare at him through narrowed eyes, restraining the urge to slap him. Smirk on his face he took the drink anyway, fingers circling around the stem of the wine glass as he tilted it back so the crimson liquid could slide down his throat. "Not that I don't appreciate a good wine," he commented between sips, "But couldn't you have said you didn't want a drink?"

"I did," she argued back dryly. "Ryan wouldn't take no for an answer. He poured me a glass and shoved it in my hand."

"And you couldn't have just left it somewhere? Slide it onto the table as you pass by?"

"It's good wine," she scoffed. "I don't want to waste it."

"Right, but forcing me to down half a glass in mere seconds isn't wasting it?"

"Are you really complaining?" She quirked an eyebrow as her lips curled in amusement.

He pressed his lips together. "You're right. Free wine is free wine, and this is _good_ free wine."

* * *

In the end, Beckett never had much of a chance to speak with Castle. Lanie had insisted on keeping her occupied for most of the night, and despite her best efforts to sneak away, they had all been in vain. The M.E. made sure to that.

So when Lanie finally excused herself with the murmur of _bathroom_, Beckett eyes immediately began a scan around the room in search of Castle.

Too late. Ryan was already mistaking her eye line as a look of longing at the table of wine buckets. "You want another glass?" his voice suddenly drew her attention from her thoughts.

Beckett whirled around, shaking her head politely. "Oh, no. Thanks, though."

"I'm not taking no for an answer," Ryan encouraged her with a smile. "It's Saturday night. It's my birthday. Share another glass with me."

She clenched her jaw as she tried once again to refuse, hoping her face wasn't too guilty and her eyes weren't too telling. "Ryan, really, it's fi-"

"Oh, come on, Beckett," he teased her in a light tone. "The only other person not drinking here is my pregnant sister, so-"

Ryan's face fell.

Oh, no.

Beckett was unable to do anything but watch as Ryan gawked in front of her in a sudden realisation. She didn't even know how he had pieced it together – whether it was her recent dizzy spells, the lack of alcohol, the telling guilt all over her face, or some other clue – but he had.

Ryan's eyes were still wide a minute later when he finally seemed to gather himself enough to force a whisper from his throat. "Kate?"

Beckett bit her lip, then nodded.

"I- okay. Wow," Ryan blew out on a long breath, running a hand through his hair as he tried to grasp.

Beckett had to chuckle to herself at his reaction. It wasn't even like she'd just told Ryan _he_ was the one having a kid. Yet, he was still struggling to come to terms with exactly what she was saying.

"Uh, I supposed a congratulations is in order?" he offered her, but it came out like a question.

Beckett pressed her lips together into a tight smile. "Thanks."

"So-"

"Let's not talk here," Beckett interrupted quickly with a pleading look in her eyes. Throwing her head in the direction of one of the back rooms, Ryan took the hint. He led her to the privacy of the guest bedroom and shut the door behind them.

Beckett rounded on him immediately. "Look, Ryan- I'm only ten weeks along, okay? I know it's a _massive_ ask, but we'd really appreciate it if you kept this to yourself for just a little longer."

Ryan blinked. "We?" he asked hesitantly.

Beckett wanted to roll her eyes. As if there was any doubt. "Castle and I," she stated flatly.

Ryan nodded absently, eyes drifting away momentarily before flicking back up to hers. "Look, Beckett- you know I'll keep this to myself. You know I'd do anything for you guys. But I've just got to say that you guys really need to figure out whatever it is you've got going on."

Beckett sighed. "Ryan…"

"No, Beckett," he interrupted swiftly. "One day you two are smiling at each other, and the next we don't see him for a week. You two love each other. You two have a- a kid together. I don't know what happened, and I don't need to know, but I just want you to ask yourself: is it worth throwing away your entire future over?"

At that moment, the door swung open, Castle's face freezing as he spotted the two occupants of the room. "Oh, sorry. Thought this was the bathroom."

He moved to take a step back then, but the guilty expression on one (or both) of their faces stopped him. He arched an eyebrow in a silent question, eyes shifting curiously when neither of them said anything. "Everything okay?"

Beckett shot Ryan a pleading look. "Ryan, can you give us a minute?"

Their friend nodded, and Beckett smiled gratefully as he gave them privacy in his own home. Castle motioned with his hand as to whether he should shut the door, and Beckett gave a nod.

"So…" Castle trailed off, lips pursed in expectation.

Beckett gulped. "Uh- Ryan… he knows."

She had to give the man credit- he reacted so much better than she had upon finding out Martha knew. Castle simply nodded, lost in thought for only a moment before he spoke.

"Is he… he's not going to share, right?" Castle queried. "I mean, that's what you want, isn't it?"

Beckett paused. "Isn't it what you want too?"

Castle shrugged indifferently. "You're having my child, Kate. I… I like the idea of everyone knowing that."

Almost blushing, Beckett ducked her head.

When he had become so excited, she didn't know. Then again, she didn't know of anything that had been happening lately. That was _her_ fault. And God- she missed him.

It had been such a lonely few weeks without him. Even though they'd spent years apart, knowing now what it was like to have him ingrained so completely in her life made it all that much worse, because she knew exactly what she was missing. And as she looked at him standing there before her- that goofy, proud, loving smile on his face- Beckett suddenly found herself not able to remember what she'd been so afraid of.

She wanted to fix this. _Them_. Their relationship. She wanted it back, wanted _him_ back, and judging from the way he was looking at her, Castle wanted the exact same thing. But Beckett could also see all the pain she had caused him, and knew he wouldn't dare be the first one to try and break their holding pattern in the fear that she'd shoot him down again.

It was up to her to make the first move.

"Do you want to get out of here?" she blurted out. "I mean- I know I'm starving, and all the food around here is gone. We could grab something to eat? If you want?"

Take the offer. Please, take the offer.

As if somehow hearing her silent pleas, the corners of Castle's lips lifted into a smile. "Yeah," he breathed in wonder. "Yeah. I could eat."

"Remy's is only three blocks from here?" she suggested, pressing her lips together and peering up at him from under her lashes as she took a step towards the door.

Suddenly, she stopped. One hand on the doorknob, Beckett turned back to hold out her hand for his, fingers splayed open in an invitation.

He took it.

Intertwining their fingers together, Castle beamed at her. "Let's go."

Her heart skipped a beat.

They'd make it work.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thirteen **

* * *

_Mid September 2012. Ten weeks._

* * *

They were both quiet as they wandered along the street towards Remy's, but it was peaceful, Castle and Beckett both content as they tried and failed to sneak sly glances at one another.

Their hands were still entwined as Castle pulled open the door of the diner, only breaking apart as they wandered inside. They slid into the booth opposite each other, smiling politely as the waitress handed them over a menu each. Across from him, Beckett dropped her eyes to the menu, chewing her lower lip absently as she studied the print before her. Castle couldn't help but stare at her, still in a state of shock that she was actually here with him. That _she'd_ been the one to make the offer, rather than wait for him to take control.

He was still studying her when she looked up a few moments later. A light blush spread across her cheeks underneath his gaze but she didn't look away. Just returned his stare until the waitress returned, a pen and pad in her hands as she waited for their order.

"Two of the classic burgers," Beckett ordered for them. "And two strawberry shakes?" She raised an eyebrow at him, and he simply nodded in response.

"Two shakes," Beckett confirmed with the waitress. The moment the young girl left, Beckett's face turned serious.

"I barely saw you all night, Castle," she started quietly, eyes sad as she looked at him from across the table. "You could have come and rescued me from Lanie."

"I thought you wanted space," he couldn't help but throw back. "Wasn't that the deal?"

Beckett sighed, eyes dropping from his. "There's so much we need to talk about, isn't there?"

Castle's heart twisted. He didn't want to do this. Not right now. He just wanted to enjoy this, _her_, because he wasn't sure how long it would last.

"Kate-"

"Castle, please," she interrupted. "I- we have to talk. I owe you so much, Castle. So many explanations."

He wanted to say she didn't owe him anything, but that would be lying. She did owe him the truth. He deserved that much. So Castle swallowed the words on the tip of his tongue and sat in silence as Beckett gathered her thoughts.

"That night, when you… accidentally proposed," she started slowly, carefully, "I couldn't process it. We'd only been together for two months, and I wasn't ready for any of that commitment."

"But it was just something that slipped off my tongue," he interjected. "You know I never meant to ask you so soon."

_So soon_. He wanted to kick himself. Here she was, telling him how she wasn't ready for commitment, and yet he'd just told her he wanted to ask her to marry him one day.

But Beckett didn't even blink. "I know, Castle," she said. "I was just… scared. I'm not proud of it, and I'm not trying to justify my actions, but it was instinct, Castle. I always keep one foot out the door in relationship. You _know_ that."

"Our first night together… you said you were all in. That this-" he motioned between them, "-was real. But you just left. You didn't stay and fight. You didn't yell at me. You didn't even ignore it- pretend you never heard it or it never happened. You just _left_, Kate. It felt like you were just giving up on us. Like I meant nothing to you. Like _we_ meant nothing."

"I did this _for_ us, Castle," she whispered brokenly. "Please- you have to know that."

"I don't know that I do, Beckett," he said in a low voice, one that was almost completely rid of any emotion. "See, you've done this before. I told you that I loved you, and you lied to me for a _year_. I didn't even see you for an entire summer. You _knew_ how much that lie hurt me, and yet you repeated the same mistake over, ran the moment things turned serious. You didn't learn, Kate. What if you don't learn from this? What if the next time you don't come back?"

Her hands pressed into her stomach, her body bowing slightly as his words hit her straight in the gut. Castle clenched his jaw, restraining the urge to slide around to the other side of the table and comfort her. If he was ever going to trust her again- if they were ever going to make this work- she had to know exactly what she'd done to him.

"This is completely different! When you said you loved me, I had just been _shot_. I was in another relationship."

He just stared at her. "So what's your excuse this time?"

"I'm not trying to make excuses, Castle. I'm _not_. I _have_ none, and I know that. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry," she choked, clasping a hand over her mouth to muffle the strangled sounds. "God, Castle- I'm so sorry. I should never have left. I _know_ that now."

Once again, Castle forced himself to remain in his seat as he questioned her. "Do you? Because not even three weeks ago we spent the night together, and you tried to sneak out in the middle of the night."

"That-"

"Don't say that was different," he cut her off. "I just… I though after four years, you'd finally be done running," Castle spoke in a disappointed voice.

She dropped her gaze guiltily. "I know," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

To that, Castle said nothing.

"Therapy… I know it's only been a couple of sessions, but it's been helping," she spoke up quietly. "Just having someone neutral to hash everything out with – get someone else's perspective – is good. Burke- he's helping me see reason. Helping me tear through those final few walls still holding me back."

"We could have worked on it together," he pleaded with her, as if it was going to make a difference now. "We could have done it together, Kate. You never had to leave. I would have given you anything you wanted. You _know_ that."

"I do know, Castle, but I had to," she whispered sadly, teeth digging into her bottom lip to stop it from quivering ever so slightly. "This isn't something you _can_ help me with. It isn't something you should _have_ to help me with."

"Partners, Kate," he murmured. "Any weight you bear, I bear too."

"It's not fair of me to ask you for the world all the time," she told him.

"But was running away the answer?"

"No," she answered honestly. "No, it wasn't. I see that now; I should have seen that earlier. I know no apology will ever be enough, but I am truly sorry, Castle."

"So… where to from here?" he asked, a sliver of hopefulness lacing his voice that he couldn't hold back.

Beckett exhaled a long sigh, leaned forward on the table for support. "I still have doubts," she admitted. "Not about you. About myself, as I always have, but they're different now. Whether I'll be a good mother. Whether I can…" Trailing off, Beckett sighed. Her eyes dropped from his gaze as she took a long moment to breathe before peering up at him from under her lashes. "Whether I can be the partner you want by your side for the next fifty or sixty or seventy years."

Oh. Oh, Kate.

Inside his chest, Castle's heart swelled with absolute adoration. His felt his entire face soften as he stared at her in amazement, enraptured by her promise to spend the next _seventy years_ of their lives together.

God, he loved her.

"Kate…" he whispered longingly, and her cheeks lifted as her lips curled up into a smile. Her hands slid across the table, pulling his apart from where they'd been clasped together and instead entwining them with hers.

She ducked her head shyly then, so unlike the Beckett he'd come to know. Castle waited as the corners of her lips twitched upwards in a smile she wasn't able to contain, and slowly, carefully, she flicked her eyes back up to his. "I'm right where I want to be, Castle. This is where I want to be."

* * *

He could have killed the waitress.

They were _just about there_ with their discussion of the idea of _them_ when the woman – _Mona_, her nametag read – decided now would be a fantastic time to bring their burgers and shakes. Never one to be impolite, Castle forced an appreciative smile on his face as his food was set down in front of him. Beneath the table, though, his fingers dug into his palms, hands now in tight fists rather than in Beckett's.

But the spell was broken now. The enticing smell of their burgers wafted up his nostrils, his rumbling stomach now back to the forefront of his mind. Across the table, Beckett was already licking her lips hungrily and pulling the straw of her strawberry shake towards her.

Letting it go with another exasperated sigh, Castle reached for the saltshaker. "You know, he asked me about you," he said suddenly as he seasoned his fries.

She arched an eyebrow in confusion, lips popping off the straw only for a moment to ask, "Who?"

Eyebrows knit together in frustration, Castle all but spat the name from his lips. "Mick Tanner."

Beckett choked on her milkshake, the liquid slipping into her lungs at the sudden surprise. She clapped a hand over her mouth as she coughed it out, gasping for breath as she growled. "He did _what_?"

"He asked me whether you were available." Castle gritted his teeth. "Asked right in front of Ryan, too. Actually, looking back on it, if Ryan wasn't there to tell him to cool off I probably would have hit the guy."

Beckett lifted an eyebrow teasingly, shooting him an amused look that screamed _really, Castle?_

"What?" Castle exclaimed in mock hurt before proceeding to defend his masculinity. "I'll have you know I can throw a damn good punch when I have to."

Beckett chuckled as she gave in. "I know. Lockwood, remember?"

Castle nodded absently in memory, unconsciously brushing the fingers of his left hand across the knuckles of his right.

"So… what did you say to him?" she pried. Her tone may have been light, but Castle could detect the undercurrent of curiosity. "To Mick?"

Castle shrugged. "Nothing. Just took another hard look at me and took off."

"You should have just told him," Beckett stated casually, dipping a fry into her shake and popping it into her mouth.

Castle pressed his lips together, whether hopeful or hesitant, he didn't know. "Told him… what, exactly?"

"That I'm yours," she declared.

His eyes locked onto hers as he froze. "You are?"

"Aren't I?"

Castle's mouth parted in surprise, but he said nothing. Simply gave an almost imperceptible nod if his head, watching once again in amazement as her lips curled up into a smile.

* * *

"Can I ask you something?" Castle's voice broke through the night.

They were strolling leisurely through the streets towards her apartment, her fingers curled around his elbow, body brushing against his arm as she half-tucked herself into his side.

Castle felt a light squeeze on his arm in gesture to continue. "Sure."

"If we had the chance to do it over, would you have done things any differently?"

Beckett sighed then. "We don't have the chance, Castle. If there's one thing I've finally learnt, it's to never dwell on what could have been."

"But, just _say-_"

"No, Castle," she insisted. "Don't do that to yourself. Once you get started, you won't be able to stop. Don't think about how many things we could have done differently over the past four years, because if we'd taken any one of those different paths, there's no guarantee it would have led us here. We just have to accept what we've done and move on."

"So, where are we moving onto?" he asked hesitantly, eyeing her out of the corner of his eye. "All of this- it's great. It is. But where does it leave us?"

Beckett stopped walking then, her fingers around his elbow keeping him at her side.

A sweet, little smiled curled on the corners of her lips. One hand rose, fingers splaying across the side of his face before trailing along his jaw, down his neck, and around to the base of his head. And when he felt the pressure of her fingertips against his skin, urging him down, Castle could do nothing but stand frozen as her lips pressed ever so softly to his.

When she pulled back just a fraction, Castle dropped his forehead to hers. Their breaths mingled in the slight space between their lips, hers washing over him hot and enticing. Opening eyes that he didn't even realise he'd shut, Castle sought out hers.

They were already staring back at him longingly, lovingly. His heart swelled in his chest, because she was here, kissing him and telling him _she wanted him_.

"Kate…" he breathed.

She answered his silent plea. Eyelids slipping shut, her lips rose to meet his once again. Castle pulled her desperately into his arms, one hand strong on the small of her back, the other tangling in her curls.

Having her back in his arms once again, _kissing_ her just because he could… there was no better feeling. Unable to restrain it, smile broke out on his lips then. When he felt Beckett's lips follow suit and lift into a smile of her own, he regretfully broke away. The tinkle of a soft chuckle escaped her lips, eyelids fluttering as she beamed up at him.

He wanted nothing more than to follow her upstairs and take her to bed. For now, though, he'd settle for this.

"Do you want to grab some lunch tomorrow?" she asked him suddenly.

Oh. Yes.

"How about dinner?" he suggested. "I'll make you dinner."

Somewhere just the two of them, away from prying eyes, in the comfort of each other.

Beckett nodded, the smile still sweet on her lips. "Dinner sounds wonderful, Castle," she breathed lightly.

"Yeah?"

Her only response was the touch of her lips back to his.


	14. Chapter 14

**Fourteen**

* * *

_Mid September 2012. Ten weeks._

* * *

"Hi," Beckett breathed when the door to his loft swung open.

Castle's eyes crinkled as he smiled in response, holding out an arm towards his living room in an invitation to enter. "How are you?"

Her lips curled and cheeks lifted into a rosy smile as she brushed by him. "Good," she offered him. Cringing at the formalness of it all, she continued. "Great, Castle. I'm great."

Closing the door with a faint click, Castle ushered her over to the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? Water on the rocks, perhaps?" he joked.

Beckett chuckled as she played along. "Make it dirty and you've got yourself a deal."

"Tap water and ice it is."

Taking a seat on one of the stools, she bit her lip to suppress a grin. It already felt so good to have this playfulness between them once again. The heavy tension that had been weighing them down was almost completely lifted now, quickly vanishing into a distant memory.

"How's the precinct been these last few days?" Castle asked lightly as he turned back towards her. Sliding the glass of chilled water across the bench, Beckett fumbled as his hand retracted quickly the moment her fingers brushed against his. His eyes dropped guiltily when she looked up at him.

Her mouth parted in a sudden wave of rejection, and she floundered for just a moment. "Ah-" she blinked, trying to once again find her bearings. "Okay, I guess. No new cases, so mostly paperwork. Wrapped up the case from last week though."

"So, who was it?" Castle flicked an eyebrow up as he began theorising. "The envious friend? The frustrated admirer? The exhausted employee?"

She shook her head. "The boyfriend."

"The- boyfriend?" Castle paused. "Really? Why'd he do it?"

"She was seeing someone else on the side," Beckett explained.

Castle nodded, lost in thought. "Ah, the jealous lover. A classic. Though, if I may say, a little predictable."

Beckett opened her mouth to note how _he_ hadn't figured it out when the timer from the oven sounded. Castle smiled as he pulled on his ever-so-manly oven mitts to retrieve their steaming meal.

Pasta carbonara. Something simple that wouldn't result in him burning down his apartment, yet delicious all the same. The smell wafted through the room, and she could already taste the flavours mingling together in her mouth.

But it was the sentimentality of the dish that caused Beckett to blush and her heart to fill with adoration for the man before her. His carbonara was the same dish he'd cooked for her the night of their first real date. And judging by the tender softness to his face, this was the exact reaction he'd been hoping for.

* * *

The rest of the night wasn't what she had expected.

It had started off so well. They'd smiled. They'd laughed. Her heart had warmed at the man before her.

But now? Everything was off.

Castle was careful not to brush their fingers together as he passed over her plate of food. He sat down too far from her, leaving a large space between them on the lounge. He kept the conversation light. Even after all the progress they'd made last night, he was still being all too careful. It was as if he was afraid to trust her with his heart once again, as if he were just waiting for her to break him again. The worst part was she didn't blame him in the slightest.

Now, sitting here in his home, Beckett missed him more than she realised. The smile on his face when he woke beside her in the morning. The sweet kisses they'd share before they would have to act professional for the day. The way he'd tug her against his side as they laze around on the couch. The way he'd pull her into his bed late at night when she was too exhausted to head back to her own apartment. They was he'd whisper _I love you_ into her ear late at night, when he thought she was asleep.

She missed it all so much. She'd thrown it all away so carelessly, and over what? A promise of a lifetime together.

God- what had she done?

She'd really made the biggest mistake of her life. If she couldn't fix this, she was going to regret this forever, and not even blame him the slightest. This- everything they'd been through- was all her fault. Right from the beginning, when she refused to give into him, after he made it so obvious all he wanted was _her_.

From her seat on his lounge, Beckett's eyes tracked his movements through the kitchen. Watched him as he stored the leftovers for some later time, carefully stacked their plates into the dishwasher. She repressed a smile as he automatically went for the wine fridge, his entire body pausing when he remembered why they weren't already drinking.

Her heart was beating so erratically in her chest. All she wanted was him, and she couldn't stop the terrifying thought from entering her mind that he no longer wanted her. Beckett told herself she was being ridiculous- because this was _Castle_, this was _them_- but when he re-joined her on the sofa after cleaning up, Castle once again sat down carefully on the other end of the long cushion. Unable to stop it, the smile slipped straight off her face, eyes dropping at the distance between them.

Ever perceptive, Castle frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She gave a small shake of her head to strengthen her weak response.

"Kate…" He broke of on a sigh, stretching out to place his glass on the coffee table before mentioning the idea of _them_ for the first time this evening. "You keeping whatever you're thinking trapped in a box… it isn't fixing things."

She paused a moment before commenting. "You're still so careful."

"Careful?"

"Around me," she clarified. "You smile at me, but it only half reaches your eyes. We talk, but it's small talk. You sit down on the couch, and… and you keep all this distance between us."

Castle opened his mouth to respond, but he floundered. His eyes dropped from hers, shifting in tiny, rapid movements from side to side as he recounted the night in his head. Then, ever so slowly, his shoulders sagged in realisation.

Beckett dug her tooth into her lower lip in thought. She knew after everything she'd done, it was up to her to fix this. So she made a bold move then. Slid straight across the couch to him pressed herself up against Castle's side. Even though his eyes flew straight up to hers, Beckett curled her forefinger and lifted his chin, forcing him to keep her gaze.

"I'm sorry," she whispered sadly. "I'm so sorry." As she spoke, her finger left the point of his chin, trailing around to brush gently through the hair at the name of his neck.

And then she kissed him. Gave him no warning, just angled her head upwards to meet his lips.

He was pushing her back all too soon. Hands gripping her shoulders, Castle eased her away from him, just a fraction.

The rejection was instantaneous, a low punch to her gut. She swallowed, facial muscles tight as she tried to mask the face that wanted to fall. Her fingers dug into his neck in an attempt to keep her hands steady, even though they wanted to badly to shake. Her entire body filled with a deep humiliation, cheeks flushing and lower lip barely restraining from quivering.

Is this was it had been like for Castle, when she had walked out of here in the middle of the night? Completely at a loss at what to say or do to just bring her back? Feeling like she didn't want him?

God, it hurt. It was more than just an ache. More than a stab to her heart. It was as if someone had reached in, gripped it in a vice, twisted and yanked it out of her chest. Complete and utter humiliation washed over her. Even more than that was the disappointment in _herself_, knowing she was the only one to blame for this.

"Why now?" Castle asked suddenly, voice barely a whisper yet demanding all the same. "Why- after the month we spent apart, after these weeks we've spent dancing around the issue- are you suddenly so sure that you want me back?"

In that instant, she knew. It was a sudden clarity, where she was suddenly so sure, where she finally wasn't afraid of anything. In her chest, her heartbeat remained steady, no skipping or racing because she finally _knew_. And now, sitting here with him, she did nothing but let the words tumble honestly from her lips.

"Because I love you."

Castle froze.

"I love you, Castle," Beckett repeated softly, a gentle smile on her face in offering. One hand lifting from the vice on his neck, she trailed her fingers across his forehead, brushing away the lock of hair that always hung over his face. She let it slide down the side of his face then, passed his eye, across his cheek, until it swept gently over his lips in a longing for him.

Ever so slowly, Castle's features relaxed. His hands snaked around her waist, tugging her back against him. Her forearms rested once again against the back of his neck, urging him towards her as his forehead dropped against hers. Their breaths mingling in the slight space between each other's lips, Castle's voice was quiet when he spoke up in question.

"I can't lose you again, Kate," he whispered, eyes fluttering shut. She could hear the strain of his voice, caused by what _she'd_ done to him. It broke her heart, and so her grip on him tightened in a promise that she'd never let him go, that she'd never walk away, that she'd stay by his side.

"You're won't lose me," she promised him. "Never."

"You're not going to run?"

She shook her head, a soft _no_ falling from her lips.

"You're going to stay with me and raise our family together?"

She nodded.

"You're going to let me tell you about the future I want for us? Let me tell you how many kids I see us having? What kind if ring I want to buy to sit on your finger for the rest of our lives? Whether we'll need to buy a bigger home, or eventually move out of the city all together. Where we'll live when we grow old together, how we'll still love each other when we're one hundred and ten."

She didn't even pause.

"Yes. Yes, Castle," she whispered frantically. "All of that. I want all of that. I want a life with you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Fifteen**

* * *

_Mid September 2012. Ten Weeks._

* * *

As Castle laid her down onto his sinfully soft sheets, Beckett couldn't help her mind flashing back to their first time together. They'd tried (and failed) to take it slow, both too desperate to be with one another. They'd clawed and clutched at one another, fingertips digging into shoulders and hips and _any_ skin they could find as they'd rolled in a frenzy. It was fast and desperate as she took control, the longing bursting from within as they'd both finally given in to one another after so many years of denial.

The second time had been much the same. Maybe even a little more wild. They were frantic. Eager. Had an urgent and needy air about them. The only thing she could remember thinking about was that this was _Castle_. She trusted him so completely, everything had felt so completely _right_, and all she had wanted was _him_ (and he definitely had not been complaining).

It wasn't until the third time that first night did they finally slow down. Castle had taken charge, began a slow and careful exploration of her body that had set every nerve ending alight. His fingertips had roamed every inch of her. His lips had kissed along every length of her skin. And underneath his careful ministrations, she had been able to do nothing but gasp his name and fist her hands in his sheets while she'd lay bare underneath him.

This moment was like that third time.

It was slow- loving and tender- as they reunited. Castle hung over her, their bodies barely grazing no matter how hard she tried to pull him down. The electricity sparked in the small space between them, his lips the only contact she had with him.

And then his fingers skimmed underneath her blouse, his open palm hot as it brushed over her abdomen. Beckett arched upwards, his touch too flirtatious when she so desperately wanted more. Flipping his hand, Castle hooked his fingers at the base of her shirt, whipping it over her head and discarding it in some far corner of the room.

His touch may have been tender, but eyes were dark. Her heart drummed loud and fast in her chest as his lips began their descent. Fingers tangling in his hair, Beckett let out another breathy moan as his fingers pressed against the button of her jeans, tugging them ever so slowly down her long legs before his hands skimmed upwards once again.

And then he was hovering over her again. Her hands reached for his face, open palms kissing his cheeks, thumb sweeping softly over his lips. One hand brushed back the hair falling over his forehead before resting at the small hollow at the back of his neck. Castle responded alike, the fingers of his left hand tangling in her curls to cradle her head gently. The other hand skimmed down her chest and around her side to tuck at the small of her back before pulling her up and off the bed so her body met his.

Her hands flew to his arms, clutching onto him. Her mouth parted, eyes were wide, and the words fell so effortlessly off her tongue without conscious thought. "I love you," she breathed.

Castle only stilled for a mere moment, as if surprised to hear her confession when she'd spent so many years holding back. But then he was kissing her- her lips, her neck, any skin his lips could find- and murmuring his own love for her until they both let go completely.

* * *

Beckett woke in the middle of the night. She wasn't sure what had woken her- a life of living in Manhattan had left her adjusted to the never-ending noise and the constant city lights. With bleary eyes, she rolled over in Castle's arms, angling her head towards him to check whether he'd also been woken.

He hadn't. He was still sleeping peacefully, face half-mashed into the pillow. With his eyes shut and a serene expression on his face, he looked at least ten years younger. Like a man with no worries.

Beckett smiled. He didn't have to worry anymore. She'd never let him doubt her again. She'd spend the rest of their lives here beside him. Spend every night in his bed being loved by him, giving her love to him, waking every morning in his arms.

Content, her fingertips brushed back the strand of hair falling over his forehead. When a small puff of a breath escaped his lips, she leaned in to press a whisper of a kiss to his cheek, her lips hovering at his skin for a long moment before she reluctantly pulled back.

The water she'd drunk earlier that evening was now making itself known. She pressed her lips together, considering just how asleep he was, whether he'd wake in a panic within the next few minutes while she was gone. But Castle simply relaxed even further into the mattress, completely dead to the world. Every so carefully, Beckett eased the arm slunk around her off her waist before throwing back the light sheet covering them.

That's when she saw it.

The sudden wave panic was overwhelming. All the air left her lungs as she froze, her heart taking a sudden dip in her chest, sitting low in her churning stomach.

"Castle," she choked out, her voice shaky and barely there as she tried not to break. "Castle, wake up."

He stirred only slightly, face turning back into the pillow as if to escape from the distraction to his slumber. She shoved him lightly on the shoulder then, shaking his body as she called out to him again.

"Castle, wake _up_," she urged him.

"Kate?" He blinked sleepily, eyes taking a long moment to focus in the darkness. "What's wrong?"

"Castle, I'm bleeding."

* * *

Beside him, Beckett sat perfectly still. Perched on the edge of his bed, her back was straight and hands were fisted on her knees. She hadn't spoken another word since she'd woken him, instead remaining in a stubborn silence, one that she apparently wasn't going to break just yet. Her face had remained carefully masked as he'd phoned the hospital on speakerphone, and she didn't even flinch as he placed a careful hand on her thigh.

"Everything will be okay, Kate," Castle reassured her softly, clicking off the line and placing the phone onto the sheets beside him. "You heard what the doctor said. It shouldn't be anything to worry about."

"I need a shower," she murmured, rising without another word.

"It just- happens during pregnancy," he called out as he stood to follow her.

She ignored his reassurance, kept her eyes low and avoiding as she moved for his dresser. From within she pulled out an old pair of leggings and spare tank top he'd sneaked out of her bag a month ago before this whole mess started.

"You know there's nothing to worry about. Come morning you'll see that," he tried to remind her.

She tried to brush by him then and move for the bathroom. He stopped her with a pausing hand on either shoulder. She startled, but kept her eyes fixed on the ground. Castle ducked his head, tried to force her to meet his eyes, but she simply closed hers.

"Kate…"

"Please just let me shower first," she half-choked out.

He let her go then, shoulders sagging as she slipped into the bathroom and shut the door. He waited for a moment, listening for the tell-tale click, but-

Nothing. No click of the lock. That had to mean something, right?

Instead, the only sound that could be heard was the bubbling of water as it ran through the pipes. He shifted closer to the door and pressed his ear against the corner of the door and its frame, trying to hear a little better through the near non-existent crack. The glass shower door opened and closed softly, the fall of the water from the showerhead changing as someone stepped beneath the spray.

With that, Castle moved away, waited her out patiently. He stripped off the sheets now spotted with blood, took them upstairs to the laundry to soak before they stained, then threw on a new set. He collected their clothes scattered around the room, throwing them into his laundry hamper to wash another day. When the gurgle of the water stopped, Castle sat down on his bed, facing the door to his bathroom as he waited for Beckett to emerge.

When Beckett finally opened the door to the bathroom a few minutes later, wet hair dripping down onto the spare lounge clothes she'd taken in with her, her eyes found his immediately, such a change to just minutes before. The question of whether she was okay on his tongue, Castle opened his mouth, but then she was already moving toward him, seeking him out. She moved to stand in the vee of his legs, her forearms wrapping around the back of his neck, as if she were a small child clinging to a parent. Following her lead, Castle slipped his arms around her waist, tugging her body close.

She fell straight into his embrace. Her eyes slipped shut as she collapsed against him, sinking down into his lap. They fell backward at the motion, falling down onto his soft mattress. Her head tucked into his shoulder as she clutched onto him like a vice, curling her body against his. Castle's own grip on her tightened as he buried his face into her hair, the fingertips of one hand trailing up and down the curve of her spine soothingly, the other holding her steady.

Neither of them spoke, instead finding solace in the other after the scare barely fifteen minutes ago. The awkwardness of it all was lost on them as their legs dangled off the side of the bed and bodies half-sliding off the smooth sheets.

And then- _shit_. Castle felt a lone hot, wet tear drip down onto his neck. It may have been the only one she shed, but this was _Kate_, and Kate Beckett_ didn't cry._

This was so much worse than he realised.

"You know everything's going to be fine, Kate," he whispered, lips moving against her forehead before he pressed a lingering kiss to her skin. "You know it's nothing to worry about. It just- happens, sometimes."

"I know," she strained out, the fabric of his shirt muffling the half-sob that escaped her lips. "Doesn't stop me from worrying."

Oh, Kate.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, cradling her head against him with one large palm. "God, Kate- I'm so sorry."

She finally lifted her head then from where she'd burrowed it against his skin. Castle almost wished she hadn't. The look in her eyes was one he'd never seen before, not even over her Mother's case. Kate's face had fallen, looking so completely tortured, as if her whole body was aching with hurt.

"This isn't your fault, Castle," she mumbled, one hand absently stroking the hair at his temple. "Don't blame yourself."

"But-"

"No, Castle. Don't." She shook her head, eyes still welling, but she was too stubborn to let any more tears fall. "Don't do this to yourself."

"Then you don't either."

She gave him a small nod before her head flopped back down onto his chest, directly over his heart.

"I love you, Kate," he murmured as he buried her face into her hair.

She hummed as her fingertips danced up his chest, snaking around his neck so her open palm kissed his skin. "Love you too."


	16. Chapter 16

**Sixteen**

* * *

_Mid September 2012. Ten and a half weeks._

* * *

Beckett could feel his gaze on her from the moment she was drawn back into consciousness. With the bright morning light warm on her closed eyelids, she refused to open them, trying to hold onto the last traces of sleep. But slowly, her mind began waking, thoughts refusing to be silenced and leave her in peace. Giving up, she let out a quiet, defeated puff of air, and slid her fingers across the warm sheets in search of Castle's.

His hand stopped hers mid-way across the mattress, open palm pressing down on the back of her hand from atop before he flipped hers to lace their fingers together. Castle's hand gave hers a gentle squeeze, thumb rubbing gently across her skin, and she let her lips curl into a small smile at the gesture.

Finally, she opened her eyes just a fraction. Blinking furiously as her eyes adjusted to the light, she peered up at him through barely-cracked eyelids. He was propped up on one elbow beside her, eyebrows knit together in concern and eyes boring into her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her quietly.

She sighed peacefully. "Fine. Just tired."

"No aches? Cramps? Dizziness?"

"No," she spoke a soft response.

Swayed, Castle nodded. Beckett wriggled across the mattress to curl against him, throwing his hand over her waist, letting it fall at the small of her back. Castle tucked her body into his, and with his free hand, he ran his fingers gently through her hair, working out the knots that had tangled as she slept. Content, Beckett smiled against his chest, burrowing her face into his shoulder in a refusal to start the day.

Suddenly, Castle broke the silence, voice dropping low with guilt. "I called Gates."

Beckett's muscles seized. That was not what she'd been expecting.

When she opened her mouth to respond, Castle continued swiftly. "Before you say anything, I didn't actually tell her what happened. Just- said something had come up, and you wouldn't be in today."

She leaned her head back away from his chest to manage a glimpse up at him, hand squeezing his shoulder to try and grab his attention. "Castle-"

"I know, I know. You think I overstepped, but she didn't question it. Just said it was all right," he continued again, talking at a million miles an hour as if he were afraid she'd scold him. "She must have been able to hear something in my voice, because she said to take a few days off if needed. And- Ryan. I sent him a text, too. Told him you weren't coming in, asked him to cover with Esposito. But I didn't tell him anything either. Just-"

"Castle," she stressed, fingernails digging into his chest. "Slow down," she breathed.

He blinked, confused.

"That's not what I was going to say at all," she spoke quietly with a shake of her head. "I was just going to ask you what time it is."

He paused. "I- what?"

"The time," she reiterated. "You said you called Gates, and I wondered how late I'd slept in."

"Oh…" he trailed off. "Uh- nine?" It came out like a question, forehead still creased in confusion. "The doctor said she'd see you in an hour. I was just coming back in to wake you when you started to stir."

She hummed. "Make me something to eat while I grab a quick shower?"

"You want a cup of coffee too?"

She shook her head. "No, but grab me a bottle of water?" she asked as she pushed herself up off the bed.

Castle's hand snaked around her waist, tugging her back down to the mattress, her body falling into his at the motion. She let out a surprised breath, eyes flicking up to his in a question.

He simply responded by covering her lips with his.

* * *

In the dead of the night, Beckett roused all to quickly from her slumber, her mind and body still restless from the past twenty-four hours. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to fall back asleep, but her mind refused to silence. Sighing in defeat, she rolled over to lie on the other side of her body, seeking out Castle who'd shifted away in his sleep.

He wasn't there. Fingers sliding across the sheets, she found the soft white cotton held no trace of the warmth of his body. Beckett frowned as she lifted her head off the pillow, eyes searching around the moonlit room for him. Everything was still, Castle nowhere to be found.

Throwing back the light sheet that covered her body, she slipped off the bed to pad barefoot towards his study. During the first two months of their relationship (or, the only real two months of their relationship), she'd woken in the middle of the night a few times to find him madly punching out a twist his mind created whilst he slept. Tonight, however, the faint clicking of computer keys couldn't be heard, only the sounds of the never-ending city bustle outside.

Beckett wandered back into Castle's bedroom then, checking the bathroom, but his presence wasn't there. So she crept out into the living room, eyes roaming in the eerie glow of the moonlight, until her eyes finally rested upon Castle.

He was sitting on the sofa, a light throw wrapped around his shoulders despite the still-warm air. His eyes were distant as he stared down at the coffee table, head low and shoulders hunched over slightly. There was a melancholy aura that hung around him. It caused Beckett's heart to lurch in her chest, reaching out for him, and so she took another few cautious steps towards him.

"Castle?" she called out softly, not wanting to startle him suddenly.

His head lifted at the sound of his name, concern flittering in his eyes. "Everything okay?" he rasped.

Beckett nodded. "Yeah. Just-couldn't sleep." There was something that resembled recognition in his eyes at her words, but he said nothing further. On a light sigh, Beckett wandered over to take a seat close beside him. Placing a hand over his knee, she squeezed his leg gently in encouragement.

"Talk to me," she requested of him softly. When he made no attempt to speak, Beckett let out a light sigh. "I know how… hypocritical this must sound- I've always been the one with the wall, after all- but please trust me enough to tell me when something is wrong."

Castle dropped his head again, avoiding giving any sort of response. She knew his mind was racing over something, though. All his usual tells were there. His foot was tapping ever so slightly, knee bouncing at the motion. Every few moments, his eyes shifted quickly to the right before darting back to the centre, as if he were reading something over in his mind. His lower jaw kept rolling back and forth as he gritted his teeth, too lost in thought to stop himself.

But he wasn't letting up, so Beckett decided to prompt him with something on her own mind. "Let me tell you something that's been plaguing my mind, then," she offered him. "I'm afraid that… that I'll end up like my mother. Like Montgomery. That you'll have to sit and do nothing but watch as they bury my body into the ground. That you'll have to console out kids, and the only thing you'll get is a damned flag."

His head shot up then, shaking persistently, his large hand closing down over hers that still rested on his knee. "No, Kate. That- no. It won't happen."

"You can't know that, Castle," she continued. "No one can. I could walk out of here tomorrow and be crushed to death by a falling piano."

"This isn't about your job, is it?" he asked quietly. "The oddballs like Dunn- they don't come around often."

"No, it's not about that. I know most days and most cases are fine. It's just…" Breath hitching in her throat, Beckett's eyes dropped. "I never want anyone to have to go through what I did when I lost my mother. That- it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, Castle. I'd never wish it on anyone."

Castle opened his mouth, surely to reassure her, but she shook her head. This wasn't about her. This was about him feeling comfortable enough to open up to her like he used to. So neither spoke for a long stretch of time after that. Neither even moved, simply sitting beside one another, with only two hands linked for reassurance.

Then, ever so slowly, she felt Castle give in. His body relaxed, hand softened over hers, yet his voice was still half-strangled as he forced the words passed his lips. "For a moment- last night, this morning- I really thought something might be wrong," he murmured sadly. "When you woke me up… God, it hurt so bad, Kate. I couldn't believe that this might actually be over before it even begun, and there wasn't even anything we could do."

Oh, Castle.

Beckett's heart broke, both in sympathy for him and a reminder of the own ache in her chest. She understood the utter hopelessness he felt, unable to do anything but _wait and see_. So she took both his hands into hers then, thumbs rubbing in soothing circles across his skin. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It never happened with Alexis," Castle continued. "There was never any bleeding after…" He broke off, not wanting them to re-live the nights he'd spent with Meredith, but Beckett nodded in understanding.

"You know it could happen again, don't you?" she asked softly. "It's nothing to worry about, but it could happen."

"I know," he sighed sadly. "Just-"

Castle said nothing further. His eyes dropped from Beckett's to the ground, his face still fallen and entire body slouched over dejectedly. She ran her fingers through the hair at his temple, softly stroking the side of his face before pressing a whisper of a kiss to his cheek. "Come back to bed, Castle," she murmured against his skin. "Come back to bed, fall asleep, and wake up with this being nothing but a bad memory."

She rose from the sofa then, keeping his hands laced with hers. Beckett tugged gently, urging him to follow. Castle's eyes sought out hers before giving in, letting her pull him up and off the cushion, and lead him towards his bedroom. As they padded barefoot across the hardwood floors and onto the soft carpet that lined his floor, Beckett twisted backwards, snaking an arm around his waist.

"Thank you," she whispered to him gratefully, pressing her lips softly to the underside of his jaw.

A confused crease appeared between his brows, but a small smile played on the edge of Castle's lips at her words. "For what?"

"For being here last night. For being by my side at the hospital today." She smiled, her hands running up the length of his back, looping back around to clasp his at his shoulders. "I know most of the time I'm an… independent person," she substituted instead of _stubborn_ or _hot-headed_, a half-smile cracking on her lips at her own temperament. "But, having you with me today made a difference, Castle. The whole ordeal was so much easier to handle with you there. So, thank you."

Castle's entire face softened at her words, eyes crinkling and lips lifting into a smile. He opened his mouth, ready to reply with what she thought would be _your welcome_, when his eyebrows suddenly shot up. "I have something for you," he blurted out, wiggling to untangle himself from her arms. There was suddenly a spark in his eyes, a flash of excitement, and she could practically feel a buzz vibrating off him. So Beckett let him go, watching curiously as he retrieved whatever it was from somewhere in his closet. When he emerged, he took her hand, tugging her to sit beside him on the edge of his bed.

"What is it?" she asked when Castle handed her the package.

"Open it," he urged her.

Beckett did as she was told, carefully unwrapping the brown paper packaging that still encased the present from when he'd bought it. Despite the eagerness she could feel buzzing off Castle, she took her time, more out of keeping the suspense than being careful not to tear the wrapping that would end up in the bin either way. Just as she pulled away the last strip of tape, the soft material fell out and dropped down onto her thighs.

With hesitant fingers, Beckett picked up the tiny item of clothing. It was a baby's onesie, the soft fabric a pale blue, obviously designed for a boy. Turning it over in her hands, her lips curled up in a smile as her eyes fell across the design on the front.

A picture of a classic medieval castle was printed across the front, the cartoon bricks stacked neatly and a flag flying high atop the fortress. Both above and below the image were deep-blue block letters, and Beckett chuckled as she read them.

_King of the Castle_.

He was grinning at her when she angled her head towards his. With a look in his eyes that she didn't know whether was cheeky or joy, Castle's eyebrows were perched high on his forehead as he silently asked _get it?_

"Castle, we're not even going to find out the sex for months," she laughed lightly on a breath. "What if it isn't a boy?"

He was quick with his answer. "Then we'll give it to the next one."

Beckett didn't even freeze. Just smiled at him and took his hand as she responded. "Then we'd have one of each."

At her own words, Beckett's heart skipped a beat.

One of each. A girl _and_ a boy. Their own little family.

Castle beamed at her. "You're going to be an amazing mother, Kate," he murmured before pressing his lips to hers.

Everything was forgotten.


	17. Chapter 17

**Seventeen**

* * *

_Late September 2012. Twelve weeks._

* * *

They slipped into a routine quickly. Every morning they would wake together, limbs tangled together as they were wrapped in the comfort of Castle's luxuriously soft sheets. Dragging their tired bodies out of bed at the persistent alarm, he would whip up something for breakfast while Beckett headed for the bathroom to begin her morning routine. The days at the precinct would be fairly usual- visiting crime scenes, interviewing witnesses, and complaining about paperwork. Then every night, they would venture back to Castle's loft, lazing around for the evening until one of them would start their _I want sex_ routine, leaving the other flustered until they stumbled to his bed. It was easy- completely effortless- and Castle loved it.

Of course, he knew it wouldn't last. Beckett was independent- always had been. She needed her space, and sooner or later, she'd head back to her own place to get just that. In an attempt to delay the inevitable, Castle didn't dare bring their situation up. Just remained quiet and enormously thankful she was still staying with him.

And then the day came when Castle was being forced to attend all-day meetings at Black Pawn.

"I don't want to go," he sighed.

He was standing underneath the doorframe to his bathroom, dressed in only his boxers and refusing to put on anything else as if it made the day of tedious meetings real. He leaned against the open door, trying to grab Beckett's attention. The woman simply shook her head in amusement as she finished brushing her teeth.

"This is your career, Castle," she told him as she rinsed off her toothbrush, popping it into the holder next to his. At the domesticity of the simple action, Castle's lips twitched up in a smile, but he didn't comment on it, mind chanting to keep quite and keep her here with him.

"No- writing is my career. Meetings are so _boring_," he exaggerated.

"Wow, Castle. The whining is really not attractive."

With a huff, his lips pouted, a crease appeared between his brows. Beckett rolled her eyes at his childish behaviour, but snaked her arms around his back all the same.

"How about this," she began her offer in a low, tempting voice. "You promise to behave in your meetings, and I'll send you some dirty texts?"

"You plan on following through on these messages? Because no one likes a tease, Beckett."

She laughed breathily, angling her head to raise her lips to his. His hand quickly slid around her neck to tangle in her hair, drawing her even closer to him as his tongue persuaded her to stay. But she pulled back all too soon, a promising smile on her face.

"Tonight," she murmured, but her fingertips dug into his back in a refusal to draw away.

Castle hummed in anticipation, and his lips vibrated against hers as he covered them once again.

* * *

Castle darted from the Black Pawn offices the moment the meeting finally drew to a conclusion.

True to her word, his phone had been vibrating every half-hour with a new message from Beckett. It had left him squirming in his seat, digging his nails painfully into his thigh as he reached for the jug of ice-cold water. Underneath the table, his knee bounced up and down with his eagerness to head to her apartment.

Of course, the universe was against him. Today was the day the meetings ran overtime, leaving him glancing at his watch every few seconds, the hands ticking backwards in torment. It was the day the elevator broke, forcing him into the stairwell to walk the fifteen flights down to street level. It was the day that it rained, sending everyone on the sidewalk into a frenzy to rush for the service of the bright yellow cabs.

Suit jacket in his hands, Castle stood by the curb in the rain. His blue eyes scanned the oncoming traffic, hand waiting eagerly by his side to hail the first passing cab. Then he jolted, someone suddenly crashing into his right side. He felt the lukewarm liquid soak his shirt, trickle down his pants, and all the way to his shoes. Suppressing the curse on his tongue, he spun around to face the source of the coffee. The ageing woman dressed in immaculate business attire barely had the time to mouth a fake apology. The next moment, she was already pushing once again through the crowd, too preoccupied with the cell phone attached to her ear to stop and offer him something more sincere.

Gritting his teeth, Castle spun back on his heels to face the road, flagging down an approaching cab. Jumping in, he gave his address to the driver regretfully. Water would dry, but coffee would stain. He'd have to head home before he journeyed to Beckett's, change into another outfit not sodden with water and coffee. And with not being further than fifteen minutes from his building, he estimated he'd manage to arrive at Beckett's within a half-hour.

Once again, luck was not on his side. Due to the late finishing of the meeting and sudden downpour, rush hour hit early on the Thursday evening. With the traffic barely crawling, Castle's foot tapped impatiently, breaths escaping his lungs in short, frustrated huffs. Digging his phone out of his back pants pocket, he checked the screen for any new alerts.

None. It had been two hours since he'd last heard from her, and Castle prayed she wasn't stuck in interrogation. He shot her a quick text, informing her his meeting had finished and asking whether she was also done for the day. Waiting for a reply, he switched apps, updating his twitter with a joke about the weather. But his phone never sounded with a new message in the entire forty minute drive from the Midtown offices to his loft in SoHo.

With a frown on his face, Castle handed over his fare and a tip to the driver before jumping onto the sidewalk. Ducking his head in the downpour, he darted for his building, smiling politely at Eduardo for having the door open and ready for him. A quick flight up the elevator, the cool breeze from the air-con swarmed around him as he entered his apartment, the wet fabric of his clinging shirt chilling his skin. With a shiver, Castle threw his keys into the bowl by the door and waved a greeting at his mother.

"Care to join me for a glass?" Martha called out softly, holding up a bottle of red as she pointed to the empty glass she was about to fill.

He shook his head as he moved towards his bedroom. "Heading back out to Beckett's. Just stopping in to change."

"Darling, she's already here," his mother responded.

Castle paused, arching an eyebrow in Martha's direction. "What?"

"She's already here. I let her in a few hours ago. We had a good chat, but she wasn't feeling all that well, so she went to have a lie down." When Martha pointed to his bedroom, Castle darted off without another word.

Sure enough, she was here. Beckett lay on her usual side of the bed, a foot away from the edge of the mattress. The sheets were pulled back, exposing her long legs. Even though the thermostat was set to something freezing, she wore only one of his undershirts and her underwear. Suppressing another shiver, Castle kicked off his shoes quietly, padding across the rug to sit on the edge of the bed.

The mattress dipped slightly under his weight, causing Beckett to stir. Exhaling a puff of air, she blinked slowly, waking to a hazy mind from her late afternoon nap.

"You feeling all right?" he murmured when she peered up at him. He pressed a hand to her forehead to judge her temperature. No fever. A good sign, but that still didn't mean she was well.

She sighed, nodding stubbornly against the pillow. "Mm, okay," she mumbled. "Air con was broken at work. Felt hot. Dizzy."

And she came here. Not to her own home, but to his.

Oh, Kate.

Heart swelling in his chest, Castle tenderly ran his fingers through her silky curls, working out the knots that had formed as she'd slept. "Do you want to sleep for a little longer? I can wake you in an hour or so for dinner."

"No," she sighed again. "I should get up. Otherwise I won't sleep tonight."

Castle leaned away from her then as she shifted, placing an open palm onto the mattress to push up and off the bed. She fell back down in an instant, eyes pressed tightly shut as she raised a hand to cover her face.

"Kate-"

"Just dizzy," she interrupted. "Head rush."

He held his tongue at the onslaught of concern that threatened to spill out, grimacing to himself in memory of the dizzy-spell that had hit her a few weeks prior during Manhattan's heat wave. Instead, he slipped gently of the bed, heading for the bathroom to fill up a glass of water. Beckett sipped at it gratefully when she finally managed to ease herself up to lean against the headboard.

"How were your meetings?" she made small talk as they sat there.

In a perfect imitation of her, Castle rolled his eyes. "Well…"

* * *

"You know, we're becoming one of those boring couples who just sit at home every night in their pyjamas, watching old reruns on TV," Beckett commented.

At the present, they were, in fact, sitting on his sofa in their pyjamas, mindlessly watching the television as it aired old episodes of _The X-Files_. Lazing on the couch with her curled against his side, his fingers twisting absently in her hair, was definitely enjoyable, but she was right. In a few months time, staying at home would become _all_ they would do. Even though the timeline had been set to warp speed, they were technically still in the beginning stages of their relationship- the sly glances, the secret smiles- all of it was still exciting. They should be out enjoying themselves, in the company of the rest of Manhattan, before they would be locked away to spend weekends comforting a crying baby.

"All right, all right. I can take a hint," Castle gave in playfully, hand dropping from her curls to squeeze her shoulder. "Dinner tomorrow night. I'll wine and dine you- uh, well, forget the wine. But we'll dress up, make reservations someplace romantic, head out for the night to be with real people, instead of the two-dimensional figures on the screen."

The chuckle that rumbled through Beckett's chest vibrated against his own. "Make it Saturday and you've got yourself a deal."

Deciding it was time to call it a night, Castle pointed the remote at the TV screen and switched it off. "You have a date with your other boyfriend tomorrow night?" he joked as they forced themselves off the couch, their movements slow and effortful at the late hour.

"No, he's taking me out Sunday night," she played along, accompanying with an eye-roll for good measure. "Tomorrow night is reserved for my dad."

Castle froze, heart even stopping in his chest, his mouth and throat suddenly dry. "Your dad," he rasped. "I- oh, God."

He'd knocked up the man's only daughter. Oh, god. He'd completely forgotten about Jim. This- it wasn't going to end well.

She arched an eyebrow at him. "You're not seriously scared of what he'll say when he finds out I'm pregnant, are you?"

To that, his eyebrows knit suspiciously. "You haven't told him you're pregnant?"

Beckett shook her head, not even looking at him as she headed for his bedroom. Castle snatched at her hand though, forcing her to halt and meet his eyes.

"Why haven't you told him?" he asked.

She shrugged casually. "I haven't caught up with him in a while. I was busy with the precinct, he travelled out of town … it happens sometimes. This isn't something I wanted to just blurt out over the phone."

"So you're going to tell him tomorrow?"

She nodded.

"And should I- be there?"

Beckett squeezed the hand still gripped onto hers. "Yeah. If you want to."

Castle gulped. "You think he's going to be mad?"

"Not at all," Beckett scoffed. "He'll be thrilled. All I've heard over the past five years is '_when am I going to be a Papa, Katie?'_"

If his stomach wasn't flipping and knotting in dread at the evening to come, Castle would chuckle. But he didn't.

Dinner with Papa Beckett. Oh, boy.


	18. Chapter 18

**Eighteen**

* * *

_Late September 2012. Twelve weeks._

* * *

Beckett rolled her eyes from her perch on the edge of the bed as Castle once again returned into his walk-in closet. She'd always known he was somewhat of a metrosexual, but the amount of outfits he had tried on was bordering on ridiculous.

No. It was far passed ridiculous. Far, _far_ passed, considering they were only having dinner with her father. Yet here he was, acting as if they were about to meet someone on par with the President.

With another glance at her wristwatch, Beckett sighed. "Hurry up, would you? We're going to be late."

"What do you think of this one?" he called out to her, voice half-muffled from the distance. Right on cue, Castle re-emerged, holding up a deep blue tie over the red one he already had knotted around his neck, an eyebrow perched high on his forehead as he waited for her judgement.

"You don't need a tie," she told him once again. Pushing against her palms, she rose from the bed, swiftly grabbing the tie from his hand and throwing it over his shoulder. She then proceeded to also pull off the one he already wore. Dropping the red fabric to the floor, her fingertips popped the top two buttons at his collar. To stir him, she slipped her hand inside his button-down, nails dragging across his warm skin as her lips captured his in a long kiss.

When they broke away with a soft _pop_ a long minute later, Castle frowned as he wiped her lipstick from his lips. "You can-_not_ kiss me like that just before we have dinner with your _father_," he groaned, scrubbing his face with the palms of his hands.

Beckett simply smirked as she ordered him out the door. "Let's go."

Just to guarantee he was following, she encircled her fingers around his wrist to tug him behind her. Making a stop only so she could grab her clutch, they were almost out the door when it suddenly swung open in front of them.

Beckett froze.

"Alexis?" Castle questioned behind her. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, don't mind me," Alexis insisted with a shake of her head, a quick awkward glance at Beckett before her gaze shifted once again back to her father's. "I'll only be here for a moment. Just wanted to grab a dress I left here. Heading out to a party tonight, and there is this adorable pair of red pumps I want to wear, but I don't have anything else that matches."

Beckett felt Castle stiffen at Alexis' words. "What kind of party?" he questioned, his tone anything but parental concern. "A college party?"

With narrowed eyes, Beckett pinched the soft skin on the inside of his wrist, eliciting an unmanly yelp from Castle. "Nobody likes a nosy, overprotective dad," she warned him in a quiet voice, giving Alexis enough time to slip by and head for the stairs.

"Call me if you need _anything_, Alexis," Castle couldn't help but call out over his shoulder as she dragged him out the door. Once in the hall, Castle huffed. "Just wait till that's your kid heading out to a college party. Then we'll see who's nosy and overprotective."

* * *

"Katie."

Beckett greeted her father's beaming face with a warm smile of her own, going willingly into Jim's arms.

"Hey, Dad," she breathed, her heart lurching at the sight of her father. God, she'd missed him.

"Don't be such a stranger," he scolded her, tone teasing as they each took a step back. She opened her mouth to apologise, but he cut her off. "Work has been crazy, I'm sure, but that's no reason not to stop by for a quick dinner."

She rolled her eyes. "You sound just like Castle," she complained lightly. Jumping on the segue, Beckett took another step back, taking Castle's almost shaking hand in hers and pulling him into the conversation.

"Nice to see you again, Rick," Jim smiled politely, extending a hand to shake.

Castle took it quickly. "Likewise."

Beckett ran her thumb soothingly across the back of Castle's hand that was still entwined with hers, urging him to calm down. He shot her a half-panicked looked, but she took that as a positive sign. At least it was only half-panicked.

Turning back to her father, Jim's eyes twinkled knowingly. She swallowed the lump in her throat, forcing her voice to steady as she spoke. "Should we grab our table?" she changed the subject before her father had the chance to voice whatever opinion was forming in his head.

With that, she led them deftly through the crowd and towards the hostess, dropping her name to retrieve their reservations. Tugging Castle along behind her as they followed the young server to their table, Beckett pushed him into the booth first. He half-stumbled into the long leather seat, earning a raised eyebrow from Jim and an eye-roll from herself.

"Would you like any drinks to start the evening?" the young girl asked.

"Just a water for me," Jim ordered.

Beckett nodded. "Make that a bottle for the table?"

Jim turned to her the moment the young girl left to bring out some glasses "So, I was talking to Amanda the other day," her father started the conversation in reference to his sister. "Gabrielle and David have set a date for their wedding. The Saturday of Thanksgiving."

"November? That's seems… hasty," Beckett commented.

Her father laughed. "Hasty is definitely not the word I'd use. A four-year engagement? I'd think it would be about time they sped things up."

"Gab is my cousin," Beckett explained to Castle, half-leaning into his side. "They're the world's slowest couple. Slower than _us_," she joked. "She's known David since she was fifteen. Took them six years before they started dating, another five before they were engaged, and now a four-year engagement."

"I think they've hit the fast-forward button because they want to start on children soon," her father noted absently, picking up a menu to study.

Beside her, Castle's eyes widened at the mention of kids. His face grew red, no air reaching his lungs until Beckett gave his shin a good kick with the side of her foot, shooting him a look to _calm down_. Even so, her own heart skipped a beat at the reminder of the news they had to share.

But then Jim was already continuing on, completely oblivious to their panic. "The reception is at Amanda's house, so I'm heading up the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to help out with a few last-minute details around their place. If you're not on rotation that weekend, you're more than welcome to drive up early with me," he offered, eyes still searching down the list of meals.

Beckett pressed her lips together, eyes flicking to Castle for a brief moment. He'd already ducked his head, taking to straightening the cutlery on the table before him. Her brows dipped slightly, no clue as to what was running through his head, but didn't seem as if he planned to let on.

"I'm not, but… can I get back to you?" she asked awkwardly, straightening the shoulder of her blouse as a distraction.

"No rush," Jim spoke smoothly, sensing the sudden tension. "There'll be plenty of food, so the more, the merrier." He ended with a quick shift of his eyes over to Castle, silently inviting him.

Grateful though she would be to have Castle by her side as she faced her extended family sober, to force him away from his family on Thanksgiving? Beckett couldn't do that.

She sighed. This was a mess.

* * *

The moment Jim excused himself from the table mid-meal to use the restrooms, Castle turned to her, eyes wide and lips curled back into a tight line.

"Kate, I can't take this anymore," he choked out. "You have to tell him. Not knowing what he's going to say- it's eating at me."

Beckett didn't laugh, but she did shoot him an _are you serious?_ look. "Castle, I already told you- he'll be thrilled."

"But-"

"But what? I'm not some teenager in trouble, Castle. I'm an adult, in a relationship. I know what I'm doing."

Apparently, her reassurance did nothing. Underneath the table, his fingers slid across the seat to dig into her knee. She dropped one of her own hands, feeling the blood rushing through the pulse point on his wrist before sliding her fingers into the spaces between his. She gave it a gentle squeeze, trying to calm him. His entire body was rigid, face half-red from the lack of oxygen making it into his lungs.

"Just relax," she whispered soothingly.

"Everything okay?" her father interrupted lightly as he scooted back into the booth. Jim's eyes were shifting subtly between herself and Castle, no doubt curious as he tried to size up the panic all over Castle's face. With a subtle shake of her head at Castle's behaviour, Beckett swivelled back to face her father.

"Everything is great, but there is something I wanted to talk to you about," Beckett started awkwardly. She opened her mouth to continue, but her throat suddenly closed in, a lump rising to ensure it was sealed off. Floundering, she ducked her head to hide the blush rising to her cheeks. This was more embarrassing than she thought.

Though a moment later, she didn't have to worry any longer about how to tell her father, when he spoke up before she could get even a sound out of her throat.

"You're pregnant," Jim stated.

Beckett's fork clattered loudly to the table, slipping straight from her grasp. Beside her, Castle choked on the water he'd been sipping, now spluttering and coughing to clear the liquid from his lungs.

"I- you _know_?" she choked out. "_How_?"

Her father shrugged casually, stabbing a cherry tomato with his fork and holding it up in a display. "You're eating tomatoes. You've never eaten them. Your mother never did, either, but she'd have tomato-everything when she was pregnant with you. Raw tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato soup… she couldn't get enough."

If she weren't still so shell-shocked, Beckett would have laughed. Tomatoes, of all things, gave away her secret.

"So, how far along are you?" Jim asked, teeth crunching down on a piece of lettuce as if the news of her pregnancy was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Twelve weeks," she squeaked out.

"Don't waste any time, do you, son?" Jim threw a look at Castle, who paled until he was white as a sheet, the blood rushing straight from his face.

Eyes wide in embarrassment, Beckett opened her mouth, ready to scold her father for causing Castle to spiral further in his state of panic. Jim beat her, laughing and waving a hand in good nature. "Relax, Rick. This is great news. Long time coming."

All the same, Beckett sent her father a glare, elbowing Castle in the same moment to try and loosen him up. He jumped at the jab on a reflex, some of the colour returning slowly to his face as his eyes found hers.

"Got to keep her around somehow," he attempted a weak joke.

But Beckett didn't find it funny in the slightest.


	19. Chapter 19

**Nineteen**

* * *

_Late September 2012. Twelve weeks._

* * *

Castle stood back awkwardly as Beckett exchanged a goodbye hug with her father. Their voices were soft as they whispered into one another's ear, not quite reaching Castle, but he knew their choice of conversation from the way Jim's eyes flicked up to his.

Whatever it was they were saying about him, Castle hoped it would draw Beckett back out of the quiet mood she'd slipped into. Halfway through the evening, not long after they told her father he was about to have his first grandchild, Beckett had withdrawn herself from the conversation, choosing to keep her eyes focused down at her plate as she idly pushed around the last remnants of her meal. Castle had scanned back over the night in his mind, attempting to pinpoint exactly what had triggered this closed-off state of mind, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Good to see you again, Rick."

Castle blinked, Jim's voice suddenly drawing his attention. He nodded, shaking the man's hand that was held out politely for him. "Congratulations again."

"Thank you," Castle offered in response. Jim took a few steps back then, eyes on his daughter as he began to disappear in the crowd.

"I'll call you soon, Dad," Beckett promised her father, a small smile on her face. Jim nodded, and with one last wave, began walking for the subway station a few blocks away.

Castle remained in a patient silence as he waited for Beckett to make the first move. To either turn to ask him of their plans for the rest of the evening, or to take control herself and simply take his hand to tug him along after her.

In the end, she did neither. Just brushed straight by him and leaned out over the street to flag down a passing taxi. The bright yellow vehicle swerved over to the curb, rolling to a stop where she stood in wait with her arm stretched out. Watching her, Castle swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat, unsure whether he was supposed to follow or simply watch her drive away. His only clue was the door she left wide open, scooting across to the far side of the backseat to allow space for him. So he jumped on the opportunity, swiftly slipping into the vehicle and pulling the door shut behind him.

The cab took off instantly, the driver having already received the address from Beckett. Castle held his tongue, forcing himself not to ask where they were heading. Instead, he waited, watching the street signs fly by on each corner until he realised they were heading for her apartment.

The sigh didn't leave his chest. Just sunk low in his stomach, the disappointment swirling, the frustration bubbling through his veins that shewouldn't just _talk_ to him about whatever was bothering her. Starting a fight wouldn't solve anything though. Instead, Castle directed his attention away from her, focusing on the people bustling along the sidewalk instead of the stubborn woman sitting across the seat.

When the cab pulled up outside the front steps up to her building, Castle suddenly snapped his head around, everything flipping suddenly inside his mind. If Beckett's intentions were to slip inside her building without another word, she had another thing coming. He was fed up with her habit of running whenever things became too real, of avoidance and a refusal to talk. _Especially_ when she'd promised him not two weeks before that she'd changed.

But she didn't try and slip out of the cab without another word. Instead, Beckett scooted across the seat until she was pressed up against his side. When, in a state of confusion, he didn't move, she shot him a pointed look. It was one that urged him to stumble out of the cab as she slipped the driver enough cash for their fare plus tip. Castle spun around once he was on the sidewalk, the demand for answers on his tongue, but ever determined, Beckett was already on route her building with only a throw of her head to signal he should follow.

The elevator ride was spent in silence, the air between them tense as they stood on opposite sides of the rising car. Castle couldn't stop his wandering eyes, studying the lines of her face and the posture of her body in the corner of his vision. Beckett on the other hand didn't move a muscle. Her face was fallen, her gaze remained lowered to the floor for the upward journey. Her spine was slouching, shoulders hunching over, her entire body seeming as if some invisible force was pulling it down.

Just as the large metal doors slid open, Beckett exhaled a long sigh. Castle's attention was drawn immediately at the defeated sound he didn't often hear from her, eyes concerned as they tracked her every movement. Her actions were slow as she pushed herself off the back wall, stepping almost sluggishly as she hopped off the elevator and wandered towards her door. He followed in silence, still observing her as her keys jingled in her hand, slipping with some difficulty into the lock before she let them into her apartment.

Not knowing exactly what was happening, Castle remained still in her entranceway. Even when she locked the door behind them, he didn't dare move. His jacket remained on his shoulders, his shoes on his feet, the keys and phone and wallet that weighed down his pockets remained concealed by the lining of his clothes. He did nothing but stand and wait as she Beckett shuffled around, unpacking the contents of the clutch she'd brought to dinner and kicking off her shoes by the door that led into her bedroom.

It was only then did she finally turn to him.

"You know I'm not just here because of this situation, right?" she asked him quietly.

Ah. So they were going to talk, just on her ground. At least it was something.

Still, Castle didn't know where this sudden insecurity had come from. "I'm sorry?"

"You know I'm here because of _us_, don't you?" Her voice was no louder than the first time she spoke, sending a shiver of concern up his spine.

"Kate, what are you talking about?"

Beckett sighed, dragging her feet across the hardwood floors as she moves to lean against the kitchen counter. "At dinner," she started slowly, leaving a long pause before she continued. "You implied I was only sticking around because I'm pregnant."

Oh. God, he had a big mouth sometimes.

"That wasn't what I meant when I made that comment," he tried to explain. "It was just a joke."

"But was it really? Or do you still doubt me?" Beckett crossed her arms over her chest protectively, eyes falling. Two tells that, when combined, signalled to Castle she was about to let on to something personal.

"Castle, that month we spent apart… all I wanted to do was call," she breathed out, shaking her head at her own ridiculousness. "I was miserable without you, but I was so afraid I couldn't be what you want. What you _deserve_. And- I realise now how ridiculous my actions were. You have no idea how much I regret what I did, and I'll probably never stop regretting that, but I can't have you doubting me for the rest of our lives, wondering whether I'll run again. Either you trust me, or you don't."

He nodded without a moment's hesitation. "I do. I _do_."

"Then don't go making comments that imply I'm only here because of the baby," Beckett growled, giving him a hard jab to the chest with her index finger for good measure. "I'm not, Castle. I'm here because I love you."

He nodded again, placing an open hand on each of her shoulders, trying to reach out to her without pushing too hard. "I know, Kate. I know."

"I love you," she choked out.

"I was an ass," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

Beckett shook her head. "Not an ass. Just- no filter from your brain to your mouth."

Yeah. He wouldn't disagree with that.

* * *

"So, did dinner with my father end up being as terrifying as you feared?" Beckett half-laughed.

They had both calmed down now- Castle's frustration had evaporated and Beckett was no longer upset- and had taken to lazing around on her couch. She was tucked up against his side, his fingers loosely playing with her hair, twisting the silky strands around the length of his fingers and the tips massaging her scalp.

"Absolutely terrifying," he exaggerated, letting out a loud huff.

It earned him a slap to the chest, one he was sure was only half-playful.

"In all honesty, it was, Kate," he continued. "Not because of your father, though. Just because I know how _I_ would feel if some guy took me out to a nice dinner only to tell me Alexis was-"

"Whoa, steady there, Castle," she pulled his reigns in, patting his knee. "Don't think you need to be worrying about that anytime soon. Think you're a few steps ahead of her."

He shuddered at the thought. God he hoped she was right.

"But speaking of families…" Beckett started. Her voice trailed off as she began picking at a non-existent piece of fluff on her jeans, delaying the conversation just a moment longer. "My cousin's wedding."

Castle nodded absently. "Exactly how far of a drive is it?" he asked, managing to keep his tone light with curiosity.

"Connecticut," she responded quietly. "And Castle, I'm sorry, but I- I have to go. Gabrielle and I- we were so close growing up. She was one of the few people I didn't push away after my mother's death. I have to be there for her. I'm sorry."

He blinked. "Why are you sorry?"

"I- don't know?" It came out like a question. "Just- at the restaurant, when my father brought it up, you seemed… off."

Castle shrugged it off. "I _was_ hoping you'd spend Thanksgiving with my family and I, but we can spend it with yours instead."

Her head rubbed against his shoulder as she shook it in protest. "No. You should be here with Alexis. With your mother."

"Kate-"

"Castle, I'm not going to ask you to spend Thanksgiving away from your family," Beckett half-growled as she pulled out of his embrace.

He sighed, his arms dropping to the cushion as they slipped from around her. Apparently, she wasn't quite over her mood from earlier this evening.

With a frustrated tone and her forehead creasing as she frowned, Beckett turned to him, a stubborn argument already on her lips. "Look, we both know that as much as I love the holiday season, it means more to you than it does to me. I'm not going to break apart your family and force you to spend the holidays with mine."

Castle couldn't help it. It was unjustified, and he knew it _wasn't_ what she was doing, but he snapped. "And what happens next year? When there's another person at the table- our _kid_ at the table- are you going to take off then? Take our kid with you to spend the holidays with your family, instead of with the both of us?"

"Castle, I'm not taking off. It's my cousin's _wedding_."

"So let's compromise. Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with mine."

Beckett lowered her eyes to the empty space between them. "I don't want to fight with you right now. Maybe you should just go home," she spoke quietly.

Castle's face dropped. "Let's just forget it then, Kate. I don't want to go to bed mad, but we both know if I leave, we'll both be tossing and turning all night until one of us decides they aren't stubborn enough and calls the other. Let's just save ourselves the trouble and-"

The loud chiming of his phone suddenly cut him off, the vibrations rumbling against his skin. With an apologetic look on his face, he dug it out of his front jacket pocket, heart speeding up its beats when Alexis' face flashed on the screen. Castle quickly swiped his thumb across the screen to answer the call.

"Alexis?" Castle asked over the line. "Everything all right?"

The conversation was brief, Alexis' scared voice forcing him into immediate action. Not half a minute later was he hanging up and standing to leave, an apologetic expression all over his face.

"That was Alexis," he explained. "She said the party is getting a little out of hand, and she'd rather spend the night at home than catch a cab back to her dorm. I- I have to go. I'm sorry, Kate. I'm sorry."

Beckett nodded, turning away from him without another word. Castle sighed at her closed-off nature, but he made no protest. Right now, his daughter's safety was his priority.

But Castle didn't even make it to the door before Beckett was crossing the room once again, a light jacket thrown over her shoulders, badge in one hand, and keys in the other.

"What are you doing?" he blurted out ungracefully.

Beckett's eyes were filled with determination. "We're going to get your daughter, Castle."

She wasn't running. She wasn't ignoring him.

She was coming with him.

Oh, Kate.

His heart barely had enough time to fill with adoration for the woman before him before Beckett was pushing him out her front door. "Alexis," she reminded him.

Right. Eldest child first, issues with their own next.


	20. Chapter 20

**Twenty**

* * *

_Late September 2012. Twelve weeks._

* * *

With neither of their cars at her apartment, they walked around the block to the main street frequented by cabs. Castle held the door open for Beckett as she slid in, the address rolling off his tongue as he followed. As usual for Manhattan drivers, the cab peeled away quickly, weaving in between the cars that were still busying the roads despite the now early hour of the morning. As they grew closer to their destination, though, the traffic began thinning, until the streets were deserted, leaving a feeling of isolation and danger in the air.

It wasn't long before they were pulling up at the address Alexis had given him. Castle grimaced as he peered outside the window, the building not run-down, but still the kind of place he wished Alexis hadn't come to. He could see the lights flashing on the roof from where he sat, the music booming from the speakers and pumping a rhythm through his body.

"Will you wait?" Castle asked the driver. The driver glanced at the clock and shook his head. "I'll pay you double."

That worked. With a nod from the man, Castle jumped out onto the sidewalk. Beckett already stood outside the building, her head thrown back as she studied the party on the roof herself.

"Uh- maybe you should wait here," he spoke with second thoughts.

She sent him a look. _That_ look, the one that told him to simmer down. "It's a college party, not a gunfight."

Beckett took off without another word, fingers splayed open as they reached for the doorhandle. The metal frame groaned as she heaved it open, the door heavy on its old and rusting hinges. Castle followed without pause, determined to find his daughter. With no elevator, they took the stairs right from the ground, taking each step on the ten-floor upward journey without complaint.

He could smell it the moment the moment they hit the eighth floor landing. Despite the open air above the roof, the thick smoke swirled down the shaft, the air around them hazy yet light at the same time.

Pot.

His stomach dropped. The baby.

"Kate-"

"Yeah," she called out over her shoulder, voice echoing off the concrete walls as she descended the stairs they just came up. "I'll wait in the cab."

Castle's mouth parted, the concern on his tongue, but she waved him off knowingly without even a glance back up at him. With a conflicting huff escaping his lungs, he swiftly reached into his front jacket pocket, retrieving his phone and letting it fall into the open palm of his hand. His fingers tapped across the lock screen, entering his passcode and swiping through the pages of apps, before he finally brought up his recent dial list.

"Dad?" Alexis answered quickly the moment the line clicked on.

Castle grimaced. She'd obviously been waiting on edge for him.

"Yeah," he responded. "I'm at the top of the stairwell. Do you want me to come up?" He wasn't sure whether she'd want him spotted at a college party, and he'd rather give her the option than risk her storming off in embarrassment and remaining here.

"No," Alexis blurted out. Right. "I'll be right there. Just- stay on the line?"

The door swung inwards not a minute later, Alexis pushing her way through the crowd of smokers by the door. She stumbled in her heels as she did so, and Castle quickly threw out both hands to steady her before she took a tumble down ten flights of stairs.

"You're drunk," he stated.

There was a pause. "Yes."

"But you're not high."

"No."

Castle nodded. "Good."

He threw an arm around his daughter then, pulling her into an awkward hug to ensure she didn't miss a step and tumble down the stairs. Her head lolled, heavy with alcohol, resting against his shoulder but bouncing with each step they took.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your evening, Dad," Alexis mumbled.

Castle shook his head in objection. "No. I'm thankful you called, Alexis. You had the sensibility to realise you weren't comfortable."

"I didn't think it would be like that," she murmured, words slurring together. "I mean, I know it's college, but this is _Columbia_. I thought… I just didn't expect these kids to be into this."

Castle said nothing further. They'd talk in the morning, when her head wasn't clouded with alcohol. For now, he just helped Alexis take one careful step at a time until they made it out onto the sidewalk.

The moment she glanced at the taxi waiting for them, Alexis froze.

"Kate's here?" she asked fearfully. With wide eyes, Alexis studied Beckett carefully. She was leaning casually against the side of the cab, thumbs tapping out a message on her phone.

"She's not going to care about a little drinking," Castle assured his daughter.

"But the drugs-"

"Yeah. She might send a few uniforms around."

"Dad…"

"Alexis, do you really want to be hanging around with anyone at that party again?"

She shook her head in response. "No, but I don't want to rat them out."

"Alexis, you barely know them," Castle argued.

"They're not bad peop-"

"Don't argue with me," he growled.

Alexis fell silent then, her eyes lowering to the ground, both irate and ashamed at the same time. She pulled away from him, heading for the cab, stumbling slightly in her heels without his support. Castle's narrowed eyes tracked her movements, watching as Beckett pushed off the side of the cab as his daughter approached, leaving enough room for Alexis slip into the backseat and slam the door.

"We should go," Beckett called out softly. Castle angled his head, meeting her eyes with anxious ones of his own. "There's a patrol car heading this way. We should get Alexis out of here."

"You don't need to stay?" he questioned.

She shook her head and stretched out a hand for him, as if urging him forward. Castle took a few large strides, fingertips grasping at hers until their joined hands fell between their bodies once he was close enough.

"Castle, I'm pregnant," she responded quietly, eyes flicking quickly to where Alexis sat in the cab. "NYPD isn't going to risk my health over a bunch of reckless college kids."

He gave a nod, sliding through the door she re-opened to sit in the centre beside Alexis. Beckett slipped in beside him, the door closing with a soft click as Castle murmured his address to the driver.

"What's going to happen to them?" Alexis asked, her barely audible voice still managing to cut through the tense silence.

"Most of the kids will be let off with a warning," Beckett answered softly. "Its just experimentation; a phase. Nothing heavy. And for most of them, it will start and end with pot, whether now, or in a few months, or a few years when they're about to graduate. But for that one kid who'll turn to something harder? I have a responsibility to put a stop to that now. It could save his life."

Her eyes remained focused on her lap, but Alexis nodded. "I understand that," she started. "I do, but-"

"Don't care about what they think of you, Alexis," Castle interjected. He placed a gentle hand on his daughter's knee, his touch encouraging her to finally meet his gaze. Her eyes were wide but distant, as if she were lost. She looked like a small child again, when the world was a scary place without her father by her side.

"Just forget about them," he continued. "Meet some new people, make different friends. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let them weigh you down."

* * *

Despite the surprising amount traffic on the streets for the early hour of the morning, the cab ride to the loft was brief. The alcohol long from wearing off and lifting the haze off her mind, Alexis carried her shoes once safely inside the building so not to stumble, leaning heavily against the back wall of the elevator as the car rose to their floor. Now, they stood beneath the wooden doorframe to her room- Alexis just on the inside, Castle out in the hall- in wait of someone to break the silence.

"So… how mad are you?" Alexis asked quietly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as a distraction, for herself or him, Castle didn't know.

"Mad? I'm not." Castle shook his head. "Just relieved you had the sensibility to call."

"I'm sorry for going to the party," she apologised, eyes lowering to the floor. That seemed to be a habit of hers tonight.

Castle shook his head again. "Alexis, you're an adult. You don't have to apologise for going to a party. You're free to make your own decisions."

"But-"

"But nothing. I'm not mad. End of story. Just know I'm always a phone call away if you need me. Don't ever feel so embarrassed to have your dad pick you up that you don't call."

His daughter lifted her head, eyes red and groggy as she offered him an overly-tired but grateful smile. "Thanks, Dad."

"But for the future?" he started, arching an expectant eyebrow. "If you're going to be drinking, I'd much rather you have me buy it for you than someone else. You saw what happened to Paige the night her drink was spiked. Can you really trust these people you've only known for four weeks?"

She swallowed an invisible lump in her throat, nodding along slowly as he spoke. "Yeah. I know. I- I think it's time to mix with a different crowd."

Castle didn't argue with that.

"I really am sorry for ruining your evening," she apologised again.

Castle exhaled a breathy note of laughter. "Believe it or not, you actually had perfect timing. Kate and I- we were having a bit of a disagreement. I think you sort of saved us from having a major fight."

Alexis sighed. "Look- I know I acted like a child when I first found out about… you know," she started slowly, eyes dropping with shame when she was unable to say the words. "But that was a few weeks ago now. I'm not saying I'm _okay_ with everything just yet, but… it's settling in. I'm getting there, Dad. I promise. And Beckett coming with you tonight? That meant a lot."

"You should tell her that sometime," Castle suggested with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Now?"

"Maybe some time you're not drunk," he half-laughed.

The corners of Alexis' mouth curled upward into a small smile. "She's good for you, Dad," she spoke in quiet realisation.

"Yeah," he breathed. "She is."

* * *

Beckett was already in bed by the time he finished chatting with Alexis. Castle wandered into his room slowly, studying her as she leaned against the headboard, head lolling back and resting against the wall. Her eyes were shut, chest rising and dropping steadily as she inhaled slow, deep breaths.

"You okay?" he called softly.

Beckett's eyes fluttered open, scanning the room vacantly until they finally settled on his. "Yeah. Just tired."

A glance at his wristwatch told him it was just going on two. After a frustrating day at the precinct with trails that had led nowhere, an eventful dinner with her father, and a trip across town to pick up his daughter, it was no wonder Beckett was tired. And as he thought about the day, Castle felt his own eyes begin to droop, a heavy weight settling over him. So he shuffled around the room, shrugging off his jacket and kicking off his shoes as they conversed.

"How's Alexis?" she asked.

Castle gave a shrug of his shoulders, disappearing into his walk-in-robe to change. "She'll feel like crap in the morning," he called out through the open door, "but at least she'll be waking up here."

"She's a smart girl, Castle. You raised her well. You should be proud."

He sighed, pulling back the sheet and slipping into the bed beside Beckett. She reached for him, fingertips slinking around his elbow and trailing down until they laced with his. Her hand gave his a reassuring squeeze, a smile on her face, but it didn't catch onto him.

"What if she didn't call?" he whispered, throat knotting at the thought.

"Castle, she _did_. Don't think like that," she insisted, fingertips digging into the knuckles on his hand. "And I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but there are worse things out there than a bit of weed. She would have been all right."

To that, Castle paused. His eyes shifted slowly to Beckett's in curiosity. She kept the muscles in her face tight, her expression straight and unwavering, but her eyes shifted just a fraction.

Castle gasped. "You did pot."

He could see her mentally cringing that he caught her out, but her response came out casual. "Oh, come on, Castle. It's not a big deal."

"You did pot," he repeated.

"It was only one time."

"But you're a cop."

"I wasn't back then. I was a stupid teenager, and I was just… rebelling. Going through my wild-child phase."

There was a pause. "_You did pot_."

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Like you didn't."

"No, I didn't," he admitted truthfully.

She arched a disbelieving eyebrow at him. "Yeah. Okay."

"No, I didn't," he insisted. "I may have drank my liver away, and I may have done _many_ other stupid things I now regret, but I never touched drugs."

"That's so- unlike you."

He frowned. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Just… when I first met you, you seemed so wild. Worked hard to keep this bad-boy image."

"That's just it. It's just an image. A persona. Used to sell books to people who might otherwise never buy them."

Beckett nodded coolly, as if she didn't quite believe him. "Castle, some of it was you. You stole a police horse once. _Naked_. You can't tell me that was a publicity stunt."

He cringed at the memory. "Ah, no. That was just a night of too many scotches," he admitted. Castle rubbed at his temple with his free hand in memory of the splitting headache he'd woken up to. He then proceeded to twist his back, working out the now non-existent kinks in his spine he could recall from the unforgiving metal bench in holding.

She let out a breathy laugh at his behaviour, her thumb tracing lazy patterns across the back of his hand. "Does it bother you? That I-"

"No," he interrupted. "Like you said: there are worse things out there. It just doesn't seem like something you would do."

She hummed. "Yeah. It's a part of my life I don't really like to remember. Not proud of some of the things I did back then."

"So you're telling me you weren't always the strait-laced, control freak that I first met?"

She shot him a warning look. "Careful," she advised him, her nails digging into his hand just a fraction more than pleasant.

Castle leaned in for an apologetic kiss then, but Beckett pulled back, her nose scrunching.

"What?" he asked, heart dipping with rejection.

"I think you need to shower," she spoke apologetically.

Castle glanced at the clock, the red numbers on the digital screen bright and angry in the early hours of the morning. "Seriously? It's late."

She shot him a look. "If you're still hoping to get lucky, I suggest you shower."

Right. Time for a shower.


	21. Chapter 21

**Twenty-One**

* * *

_Late September 2012. Twelve weeks._

* * *

She was woken to a light yet incessant finger tapping against her shoulder, a warm breath blowing across her bare skin. Beckett sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing her face into the pillow, hoping to forget about whatever had woken her and fall back to sleep while she was still groggy enough.

"Kate?" a voice whispered.

Beckett groaned, hoping the rumble of a protest in her chest would silence him.

No such luck. "Kate?" he repeated, voice a little more solid and less breathy this time. More insistent.

"Why are you awake?" she mumbled. Already facing away from him, she flopped down on the mattress to lie on her stomach, her face now fully concealed by his feathery pillow.

"Because I have an idea," Castle whispered excitingly.

"Does this idea involve letting me sleep?"

There was a pause. "Uh-"

"Then it can wait until morning."

Castle remained persistent. "But Kate, I figured out a compromise for Thanksgiving."

Beckett sighed in the realisation he wouldn't relent until she heard him out. With a scowl on her face as she glared at him through bleary eyes, she rolled onto her side to face him directly. "All right. What's this ingenious idea that couldn't wait until a decent hour?"

Castle's face was alight as he dove into his proposal. "How would you feel about spending Thanksgiving here with Alexis and my mother, and then driving up on the Friday?"

She sighed. "Castle, the point was for you to spend the entire four days with your family."

"Kate, just hear me out," he interrupted her objection. "I'd still spend Thanksgiving Day with Alexis, but as a typical girl, she and my mother pinch my credit card and ditch me on Black Friday in favour of the sales. They wouldn't even notice I was missing."

"And the weekend?"

"Is a compromise," he continued. "We spend it with _your_ family."

Beckett pressed her lips together in consideration. "I don't know."

Castle's face fell, expression dejected. "What's holding you back?"

"Not us," she promised him, fingers snaking across the sheets to splay across his chest. "Just- this is Alexis' first year at college. Her first time away from home for an extended period of time. Somewhere she's around different people she's never met before. I just think she should get to spend the entire weekend with you, as something that _hasn't_ changed."

"You know she's here all the time, right?" Castle arched an eyebrow at her. "Leaving laundry for me to wash, eating food that's free, watching the thousand cable channels _I_ pay for… not that much has changed."

Becket's eyes left his then, unable to handle the disappointment- disappointment at _her_- that was held in them. Trying to connect with him, her fingers curled over his shoulder and up his neck before they swept through the hair at his temple. "I'm just saying… maybe there's a reason she's here a lot. Maybe- maybe she's not as okay with all the changes as you think."

Castle paused. "You think she's having trouble adjusting?"

She shrugged. "Just look at last night, Castle. She called you to pick her up because she wasn't comfortable at the party. Maybe you should talk to her. See how she's settling in at college."

There was another pause before Castle spoke up, voice choking with hurt. "Why wouldn't she say something to me?"

"Castle, it's her first semester at college. Even though she's not far from home, she's probably trying to find her feet on her own, gain some independence. Maybe Alexis wants to prove to herself that she's all right on her own, even if she's not."

"So… should I talk to her?"

Beckett nodded, a yawn escaping her lips as she did so. "In the morning," she mumbled. Her eyes fluttered shut sleepily once again.

"Kate, it _is_ morning."

When she didn't respond, his index finger poked her in the arm. "Castle, if you want me to be awake for dinner tonight, let me sleep."

"But it's almost eleven," he whined. Real attractive.

"I let you sleep in."

"No you don't."

"I do the days we don't have to be at the precinct," she argued. "It's my day off, Castle. Let me sleep."

He huffed, but she felt the mattress shift as he flopped back down. The sheets rustled as he shuffled toward her, his arm snaking around her waist as his body pressed up against hers. She hummed, relaxing against him despite the overwhelming heat radiating from his body, too tired to object.

Sleep.

* * *

Beckett figured it out during lunch, when Alexis' eyes kept shifting during Castle's mini-interrogation. So she interrupted him before his questions became any more uncomfortable, placing a gentle hand over his wrist and smiling all too sweetly at him.

"Castle, can you get me another glass of water?" Beckett asked.

With his fork piercing a leaf of lettuce halfway to his mouth, Castle paused, mouth hanging open inelegantly. "I'm sorry?"

"Would you mind refilling my glass?" she repeated, picking up her empty glass and holding it out for him. "And some ice would be great. Thanks."

His eyes shifted slowly from hers to Alexis, and back again. Beckett could see the suspicion and confusion flickering in them, his mind trying (but failing) to put the pieces together as she'd done. "I- okay?"

Beckett hoped Castle would take the hint and give them a minute, but it _was_ Castle. He was persistent, always curious, and never subtle. So the moment he scurried into the kitchen, the confused crease still etched on his brow, Beckett jumped right in.

"Alexis, I'm not your parent, and I'm not going to think for one second that I have any sort of right to dictate how you live your life, but you're dad is worried. _I'm_ worried. So, I'm just going to say this- whoever this boy is, he's not worth it."

At her words, Alexis startled, her face slack with surprise before she managed to compose herself once again. "There's not-"

"There's a boy," Beckett continued, swiftly cutting off Alexis' objection. "I know there's a boy. I've been there, trust me. But unlike you, I wasn't smart enough to know when to pull back."

Beckett drew in a long breath then, giving Alexis a moment. Her brown eyes shifted to the kitchen, seeking confirmation that Castle was keeping his distance, before she continued. "Alexis, you called your dad last night because you weren't comfortable. Any boy who doesn't make you feel comfortable, or who isn't there for you when you don't feel comfortable, isn't worth a minute of your time. And I'm not going to say _you can't ever see him again_, because that's not my place. This is just… something to think about. You're a smart girl, Alexis. I don't want to see you get hurt."

Alexis sighed. "He's just so…"

"Charming?" Beckett offered, a half-smile of amusement on her face. "Good looking? Comical?"

Alexis chuckled. "Different," she finished after a long moment. "From Ashley, I mean. Even though it's been almost a year, and even though he was _never_ there for me at the end, I still feel…"

"I know," Beckett completed for her. Alexis didn't need to drag up all those old feelings again. "It doesn't matter how the relationship ends, first loves are always hard to get over. But you shouldn't have to force yourself to move on. It'll just… happen. When the time is right- when the _boy_ is right- it will happen."

"But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"Nothing," Beckett spoke with an apologetic shrug. "Nothing but wait until you meet the boy that makes you forget all about Ashley. And it's difficult, because the movies paint such an unrealistic picture of men and relationships, and compared to them everything seems to fall short. No relationship is perfect. You'll fight, and you'll hurt each other, but whatever crap you put each other through… the other person will still be there for you. _That's_ the kind of person you want to end up with. That you _deserve_ to end up with."

"You weren't there for my dad, though," Alexis blurted out. Immediately, she clapped a hand over her mouth in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just-"

Beckett shook her head to cut the young woman off, refusing to lower her eyes and back down. "No. It's true. I deserve it," she admitted. "As much as I want to, I can't take my actions back. I can only be here now, trying to make it up to your father. Show him I _can_ be the person he deserves."

Alexis nodded absently as she took the words in, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as she ducked her head. "I'm not- I mean, I don't think I'm quite… okay with this- this situation, just yet," she spoke quietly.

"No one expects you to," Beckett responded. "It's still settling in for me, too."

At that, Alexis arched an eyebrow. "It is?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Some days it doesn't feel… real. As if I'm still in shock, not quite processing everything just yet. Or I'm on the sidelines, watching it happen to someone else, rather than to myself. But that's _okay_," she stressed. "I'm only twelve weeks. It might take months before this settles in. It doesn't mean I don't want this."

Picking up her fork, Alexis stabbed an olive, pushing it around absently on her plate. "Growing up, I never wanted siblings," she admitted in a low voice, her eyes still lowered as if she were ashamed. "It wasn't because I thought I'd be jealous of the attention they may receive, or because I didn't want to share my dad with anyone. More that I was an independent child. I was always happy making arts and crafts on my own, because I thought someone else would just ruin my creation. Or happy to sit and read on my own, in a peaceful corner somewhere, and I didn't want some younger sibling coming up and bothering me."

Beckett cracked a smile, a soft chuckle vibrating in her throat. "Yeah. I was the same. And that's okay."

They said nothing for a long moment after that, falling into a tense silence. Beckett dug her front tooth into her lower lip, chewing as she studied the lines of Alexis' face. Years of experience in the interrogation room told her to wait the young girl out, that she'd speak when she was ready.

And then she did. "Thank you for coming with my dad last night, Beckett," Alexis offered sincerely. "Thank you."

* * *

"But _why_?" Castle complained yet again.

A frustrated groan rumbled through her chest. "Castle, I already told you. It's up to Alexis whether she wants to talk to you about it. It's not my place to say."

"She's not- she won't go to those parties again, will she?" he asked quietly. "As interesting as I found it that _you_ went to those parties-"

"Once, Castle. It was one time," she interrupted to no avail.

"-I definitely do _not_ want her going back."

Beckett exhaled a long sigh, taking his face between two open palms. Sweeping two thumbs across Castle's cheekbones, she dropped a kiss to his lips. "Alexis won't be going back. Trust me."

"But-"

"Do you trust me?" she asked with one arched eyebrow.

He gave a nod.

"Good. Then believe me when I say Alexis won't be going back."

"Just- how can you be so sure?"

Beckett pressed her lips together, eyes flicking away from Castle's to stare absently out the window. "She went for the same reason I once did," Beckett admitted in a low voice, involuntarily dragging out the memories from all those years ago. "But she's smarter than I was. Older, and more mature. You have nothing to worry about. All right?"

Castle opened his mouth- to protest, or to ask why _she_ once went to the party- but she silenced him with one stern look. Instead, he forced his mouth close (a herculean effort, she was sure), swallowed the curiosity, and nodded.

"Yeah. Okay," he agreed softly, dropping a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you for being there for my daughter, Kate."

She sent him a sweet smile before pressing her lips against his for a lingering kiss.

"Now, about Thanksgiving…"

She rolled her eyes.

He was relentless.


	22. Chapter 22

**Twenty-Two**

* * *

_Mid October 2012. Fourteen weeks._

* * *

The day had been exhausting.

Double homicide. A wife and husband. A pop-and-drop, to top it all off. It had taken her and the boys all day just to identify the victims, and only when the daughter had called the police in concern when her parents never came home were they able to do so.

The couple had been shot over their wallets. Their _wallets_. Two lives had been taken away for no reason other than the killer's want for some pocket cash. It just-

It just wasn't right.

After a long day, the team had no leads. Not a single one. They'd found nothing to even _hint_ as to who may have committed the murder, except for the broad theory it was someone close to broke.

Castle hadn't been at the precinct today. He'd had an early meeting at Black Pawn, after which he'd taken the afternoon off to write. But _God_ she could have used him by her side today. She'd needed his presence. His jokes. His ability to roll everything off his shoulder and roll it off hers, too. Without him there, a heavy weight had settled over her, clouded her head and clung to her heart. Now, the only thing Beckett wanted to do was soak in a steaming bath, let the bubbles rise up over her and the salts work out the knots in her muscles.

So the moment the clock ticked over to seven, Beckett ordered they all go home. With nothing more to go on, they could start fresh in the morning when lab reports started filtering in. No point staring at a blank board all night. It wouldn't do them- or their victims- any good.

The boys all but ran out of the bullpen, and she followed quickly in their footsteps. They all scuffled with heavy feet into the elevator, leaned against the walls as the car slowly descended to the parking garage in the basement. Since the call from dispatch had come long before dawn when a garbage collector stumbled across the bodies, Beckett had driven her Dodge Charger to the scene, missing out on the morning rush of traffic. Now she was ever thankful for not having to squeeze into an over-crowded subway car, instead being allowed the privacy of her own vehicle for the drive to Castle's. With a wave to the boys, she slid behind the wheel of her car. Head falling back to rest on the padding, she took a moment of quiet relief to gather herself. Leave the sick twisting of her stomach here at work before she headed home to Castle.

The drive was longer than expected, the traffic still heavy as cabs clogged the streets, ferrying around businessmen heading home for the night to their families before another long day at work. So by the time she pulled in to the parking space Castle had vacated for her in the garage down the block, it was nearing on eight. With the weather beginning to cool as the calendar days until winter counted down, Beckett tugged her coat over her shoulders as she walked briskly towards his building.

When she finally approached the door a few minutes later, Eduardo greeted her with a smile. "Evening, Miss Kate."

Beckett suppressed a chuckle, smiled back politely at Castle's doorman. She'd once told the man to call her Kate, instead of 'Miss Beckett'. It sounded too formal to her ears. Not something she was used to. But Eduardo had insisted, said politeness was the way he'd been raised, said politeness was now his job, and so they'd compromised on 'Miss Kate'.

"Thank you," she responded as he held open the door for her to enter.

The elevator already awaited her in the lobby, a simple press of the call button to part the doors. She moved quickly into the car, jabbed at the button for the eighth floor with the tip of her finger. The large metal doors slid open once again not a few moments later, and Beckett forced her protesting muscles to move and head for Castle's door. Leaning against the frame, she breathed out a slow sigh and raised a tired fist to knock. Her eyes slipped shut as she waited, giving herself a moment of relaxation while giving Castle a minute to respond to the knock, but-

He never answered the door.

She knocked again, a little louder this time. She knew whenever he was in a writing haze he would often block out the world around him to focus solely on the words on the screen. Sometimes, he needed to be coaxed out, or she'd have to demand his attention.

Again- nothing.

With a frown on her face, Beckett double-checked her phone. No messages. So she switched apps, clicked into her contact list and pressed her thumb to his name. If a scene wasn't writing quite right, he'd sometimes take a quick walk to clear his head. Usually just a stroll around the block, never too long, but a quick call to see exactly where he was seemed to be a good idea. She was rapidly approaching far passed exhausted, and standing in his hallway for an hour was not appealing.

Phone held up against her ear, she listened as the dial tone rang on. Once. Twice. Five times. Six. Seven. Then-

"Kate?"

Finally.

"Hey," she greeted him softly. "Where are you?"

"Where are _you_?" Castle threw back at her.

"Outside your door," she responded without hesitation.

"Ah, damn," he groaned. "I'll be there soon."

Beckett dug down on her lower lip, a nagging feeling that she was intruding tugging at her heart. "Castle, if you're busy, I can-"

"No. Not busy," he interjected, his breathing heavy as if he were running. "Just give me a few minutes."

The line clicked off abruptly then, leaving Beckett to stare blankly at her phone. With no idea what he was doing or where he was, she didn't exactly know how to respond. In the end, she simply rolled her eyes. Castle was Castle.

Still, she knew from past experience that a few minutes could quickly turn into something longer, so Beckett pressed her back against the wall and sild down until she sat on the floor. She stretched her tired legs out in front of her, threw one boot-covered ankle over the other. Phone still in her hand, she was just about to pull up Castle's twitter and see if it held any clues as to where he might be when it suddenly chimed in her hand.

Incoming call, from Lanie Parish.

With Perlmutter having been the M.E. assigned to their cases this past week, it had been too long since she'd chatted with her friend. To fix this, Beckett quickly swiped her finger across the answer screen.

"Hey, Lanie," she sung out.

"Hey, girl," her friend responded. "Haven't seen you in a week. Thought I'd give you a call, see how Castle's been treating you."

Beckett chuckled at her friend's usual nosiness. "He's been good," was all she offered Lanie.

"So, when are we going to grab a drink?" Lanie sung out over the phone. "We haven't caught up in ages."

Drinks. Right. Not such a good idea.

"Make it dinner and you've got yourself a deal," Beckett offered instead.

"Done. Tomorrow night? Eight o'clock at Georgio's?"

"I'll make a reservation," Beckett agreed to her friend's suggestion. "See you then."

"Oh, and Kate?"

"Hmm?" she hummed in wait of Lanie's comment.

"Be prepared to dish on _everything_ about you and Castle."

And then her friend was gone off the line as abruptly as Castle, giving her no chance to protest.

An evening with her relationship being pried open. And no alcohol.

Fun.

* * *

It was nearing another fifteen minutes before Castle's panting figure stumbled out of the elevator. From her spot on the ground in front of his door, Beckett pressed her lips together to conceal a chuckle and instead arched an eyebrow at him.

"I'm sorry," he rushed the words off his lips. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

Beckett quickly closed his twitter page on her phone (there was no way he'd ever find out she browsed it) and shook her head. "It's fine," she told him with a dismissing shake of her head. As she spoke, she planted her feet flat on the ground, and with a quick push of her hands, she rose to meet him.

Immediately, her eyes fell to the dessert box in his hand. The bright pink box with a fake brown ribbon printed on the cardboard was unmistakable, her mouth watering just at the sight of the packaging. "Mama's Choco Delight?" she asked, voice light with hope.

Castle nodded his answer. "Yeah. This was supposed to be an after dinner surprise, but there was a line at the bakery, and it took longer to get back here than I originally thought."

Beckett grinned, eyes still fixed on the dessert in his hands. "What's the occasion?"

"No occasion," he chirped out, his voice a fraction too high. "Just- you left so early this morning. Figured you'd like a treat."

Suddenly, her eyes flicked up to his, doubt flickering in her pitch-black pupils. She crossed her arms over her chest and threw him a look that was not amused. "All right. What'd you do?"

He froze. "Uh- nothing."

Beckett snorted. He was not convincing at all. "Castle?"

"Noth-" Castle silenced as she glared at him and averted his gaze guiltily. With a sigh, he conceded. "Okay. I, uh- I may have… _accidentally_ let it slip in my meeting today that you- uh, that you're…"

"You told them I was pregnant?" she hissed. "What- how the _hell_ did that even come up?"

Castle shrunk back as she growled at him. "I didn't mean to!" he squeaked out in a weak defence. "I was bored, okay? Really bored. You have know _idea_ how long Paula can talk for. So I pulled out my phone and started Googling cool gadgets for babies, and when Paula snatched my phone out of my hand because I wasn't listening to her… well, she just- blurted it out in front of the room."

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Great, Castle. Thanks for that."

His face fell. "Is it really so bad they know? Everyone will know soon enough when you start showing."

She exhaled a long breath and leaned against the doorframe for support. "No, okay. I don't care if they know. What I _do_ care about is that no one at work knows yet. To have them all hear it from the media? It just- makes it seem as if I don't care about anyone enough to tell them."

Castle studied her carefully, his fingertips dancing across her cheek before sweeping back a lock of hair. "You know Paula won't release the information to anyone, right?" he spoke softly. "She'll keep it to herself until _we_ are ready to share. Even then, she'll ask _me_ to write a statement to post on my website, not give a call to some page six reporter."

Beckett paused. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

With a sigh, she gave in. "All right. Thank you."

Expertly shifting the cake box into one hand, Castle leaned in close to her then, capturing her lips in a delicate kiss. "How about I make it up to you?" he murmured against her lips. "Take you out tomorrow night? La Cirque? D'vine? Marianette?"

She bit her lip apologetically as he began throwing out restaurant names. "Sorry. I just made dinner plans with Lanie tomorrow."

His shoulders immediately sagged and a grumble vibrated through his chest. "I suppose I can invite the boys over for a game of poker and some scotch instead."

Poker and scotch. Right. She knew they'd end up playing video games and drinking beer.

"Believe me, Castle. Without the ability to drink, it'll be an early night. I'll be home before you know it."

Beckett leaned into him them, pressing a lingering kiss to his cheek before she turned to nod at the door.

"So… can we go inside now? Today has been _long_, and all I want to do is soak in a steaming tub full of bubbles. And if you try hard enough, I might be persuaded to let you join me," she teased him playfully.

* * *

Castle was barely able to force his muscles into motion to unlock his front door. With a dazed expression on his face, he somehow managed to set the chocolate cake onto the kitchen counter and kick off his shoes. Across the room, Beckett wandered away completely oblivious as she headed off to draw a bath. But he could barely move, and definitely could not believe Beckett hadn't even blinked at the words she'd just spoken.

_Home before you know it_.

Home.

His home had somehow become her home.

And God- he loved it.

_Home_.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:** Oh, wow. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Apologies. Felt a little uninspired, but so many of you wonderful people have begged me so nicely to continue. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of this.

Also, just a friendly reminder that Ryan already knows about the baby (chap. 12 if anyone needs more of a refresher). Enjoy.

* * *

**Twenty-Three**

* * *

_Mid October 2012. Fourteen weeks._

* * *

Beckett found it next to her father's watch the following morning.

She didn't even notice it when she first woke. Just blindly slapped an open hand down on the snooze button before pressing her face into the pillow for another ten minutes of sleep. Two blaring alarms later, Beckett finally rolled out of bed to the promise of a small cup of coffee from Castle. She hummed with a content smile on her face at the thought of the steaming mug and she threw herself under the warm spray of the shower.

She took her time wandering around Castle's room, towel drying her hair before throwing on a pair of black slacks and a crisp white business shirt. Hanging the towel up once again in his bathroom, she walked right passed it for the seventh time that morning as she headed for the kitchen. She all but downed her coffee in one gulp, a small grin of victory on her face as she enjoyed the omelette Castle whipped up. When he tried to wash the dishes she pushed him toward his bedroom, insisting he shower so they'd make it to the precinct on time. She'd thrown their plates and cutlery into the dishwasher, soaked their mugs, and scrubbed the pan before she finally wandered back into Castle's bedroom to grab everything she'd need for the day.

Her coat was already thrown over her shoulders, flat black dress shoes already on her feet and bag already in her hand when she reached out to slip her father's watch over her wrist.

It was then did she finally notice it.

Sitting beside her father's watch was a brand new sparkling key. Lips pressed together hesitantly Beckett stared at the key for a long moment. When her fingers finally clasped over the edges to pick it up her actions were slow, careful, her mind considering the weight of her actions. Once in her hand she ran her fingertips along the bumpy ridges, around the smooth curve at the base of the key, back up along the flat edge at the top.

Her heart skipped a beat as she studied the lines of the key. It was brand new. Polished and sparkling. Yet Castle had no time to duck out for a half-hour and have it cut since they'd come in last night.

That this wasn't just a response to last night when she'd been forced to sit in his hallway- that he'd been planning this for a while- settled a bright light in her heart. It bubbled through her, lifted her cheeks as her lips curled up into a sweet smile.

She didn't even hear the shower cut off, nor did she hear the creak of the door when it swung open a minute later, but then Castle was suddenly striding out into the bedroom. When she turned to him with the key in her hand, he stilled. Just stood silent and patient, eyes studying every angle of her body as he waited for her to make the call.

Beckett pocketed the key and smiled at him. "Ready?"

Castle beamed at her. "Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

Beckett was in the break room when Castle cornered her. In front of her sat their victim's criminal history; beside her, a cup of decaf she'd been sipping at and a slice of the guilt-ridden chocolate cake Castle had bought for her the previous night. Rich and moist, it was as if the slice had only just cooled fresh from the oven. The chocolate melted in her mouth, rolled over her tongue, kept her licking her lips long after every bite just to savour the taste.

"Mmm," Castle hummed as he slipped into the room. "That looks good."

"There's another slice in the fridge for you," she told him without glancing up. Behind her the communal fridge door popped open with a gentle rattle, a soft cry of delight spilling from Castle's mouth when he found the extra slice she'd brought with her this morning. Then the yanking open of cupboard and the slamming of drawers began as he searched for a clean plate and fork. All of it would be all right if he hadn't been clinging to her side all morning, following her every time she moved just an inch away.

"Castle, could you be a little quieter? I'm trying to read," she called out over her shoulder. He gave no response, but there were no further reckless noises. She pressed her lips together and returned focus to the pages in front of her.

Then he scooted into the seat beside her.

Pressed up against her side, she thought it was so he could read over her shoulder. When she turned her head, however, he was staring at her rather than the file, mouth closed around the fork as he stuffed in an oversized piece of chocolate cake.

"Something I can help you with?" she asked him, a hint of bite to her tone.

Castle just blinked. "I'm sorry?" he mumbled around his food.

"You've been attached to my side all day," she noted. "Is there something I can do for you?"

Keeping his face straight to appear innocent, Castle scooted his chair away from hers. "Geez. If I realised you'd be this moody without three cups of caffeine a day I never would have knocked you up."

There was a sudden sharp gasp behind them. "You're pregnant?"

Oh, damn.

Heart already sinking low and heavy in her chest, both Beckett and Castle swing around to find a wide-eyed and slack-jawed Javier Esposito standing in the doorway. That wasn't even the worst part. The _worst_ part was that in his surprise Esposito had _shouted_ his revelation, leaving every single person in the bullpen gaping at her with the same stunned expression.

Castle shot her an apologetic look and pushed what remained of his slice of chocolate cake across to her. "I'm sorry? Again?"

Beckett just chuckled and turned back to Esposito. "Yeah, Espo," she finally responded, a smile breaking out on her lips at the honesty of her admission.

"I- what- I- how did this happen?" he squeaked out, voice unmanly and high-pitched.

"Do we really need to explain that to you?" Castle teased.

Esposito scowled and cleared his throat. "_When_ did this happen?" the detective corrected himself. Beckett was sure his voice was now an octave lower than his usual voice, but she didn't comment. Just pressed her lips together to fight the amusement and nodded to the seat opposite her and Castle. Once Esposito shuffled into the room and took a seat, she continued.

"I've just hit fourteen weeks," she offered up.

Esposito quirked an eyebrow in mild surprise. "And you still haven't told anyone?"

Drawing in a sharp breath Beckett lowered her eyes guiltily. Just for a second, but Esposito caught it.

"Who have you told?" His tone was cautious, each word spoken carefully as if he were afraid of the answer.

Beckett clasped both hands together on the table and leaned forward so her weight rested on her forearms. "First of all, we never_ really_ talked about telling anyone. Just… thought everyone would find out when they needed to. So Castle told his mother and his daughter…"

"And you told your father," Castle supplied with a nod in her direction.

"And we had to tell Gates for obvious reasons," she continued with a glance towards Castle for support. "And- uh… then Ryan-"

"What about me?"

For the second time within minutes Beckett and Castle spun around at the sudden voice, finding a confused Ryan hovering in the doorway.

"Ryan knew?"

Esposito's voice rose once again as he slammed his hands onto the table, pushing himself back and up from his seat. The moment his nostrils began to flare Beckett and Castle followed suit, jumping up to block Ryan from whatever comments were about to be unjustly thrown his way.

"Whoa! Javi, we didn't tell him," she interrupted before Esposito had a chance to speak. "He figured it out."

Esposito shot a glare at his partner. "And you couldn't tell me once you knew? What- can't I keep a secret?"

"No," the couple chimed simultaneously.

"You would have blabbed to Lanie," Beckett added.

Esposito's face suddenly slackened, but his eyes widened in horror. "Lanie doesn't know?" he hissed, eyes darting around as if fearful the M.E. was listening.

"Uh- no." Beckett shrugged. "I'm having dinner with her tonight, though. I'll tell her then."

Cringing, Esposito blew out a long breath. "Your call, but if I were you, I'd be getting her on the phone- well, yesterday."

Beckett rolled her eyes. "I'm not afraid of Lanie. Besides, what's she going to do to me?"

"What's she going to do to you?" Esposito fake-chuckled for a moment before shooting her a deadly glare. "What _isn't_ she going to do to you is the question you _should_ be asking."

She snorted at his dramatics. "Just don't tell her you knew before her and you'll be fine."

"So- I suppose a congratulations is in order, then?" Esposito grinned, clapping his palms together and rubbing them enthusiastically. "Old Haunt tomorrow for celebratory champagne? None for you though, preggers," he shot Beckett a look.

Great.

* * *

Castle's odd attachment to her hip from the morning finally lifted after Esposito's interruption in the break room, leaving her irritation to fade as he left her to work in peace.

Well, the use of _peace_ was rather… loose. This was still Castle, the man who couldn't help but offer his two-cents-worth whether it was wanted or not.

Even so, the afternoon passed by before she even had a chance to blink. Not even the tedious task of sifting through old arrest records slowed time down. Before she knew it, the hour hand on the clock was ticking over to five. Time to call it a day.

"Head home, boys," Beckett called out across the bullpen.

Ryan and Esposito lifted their heads from their desks, sporting matching hopeful expressions. "You sure?" Ryan asked.

Esposito tagged on, "We don't mind-"

"We're no closer to catching a break than we were this morning," she swiftly interrupted with an insistent smile. "It's the weekend. Go home. We'll start afresh on Monday."

They didn't risk objecting again. Just closed the files to stack them into a neat pile and shut down their computers without another word.

"Yo Castle- still on for Madden tonight?" Esposito called out as he walked toward the pair.

Beckett quirked an eyebrow. "No poker?" she questioned, an amused smirk curling on her lips.

A look of innocence plastered on his face, Castle shrugged casually and shook his head as if he didn't know what she was talking about. "Eight," he told the boys.

It was another few minutes before Beckett led Castle toward the elevators. Stepping in on the side furthest from the level buttons, Castle reached out for her to press the square printed with a bold 'B'. She quickly placed a pausing hand on his arm.

"Ground," she responded to the confused crease on his forehead.

He followed her instructions silently and pressed for the ground level instead, but kept one eyebrow arched in question.

"Have to make a quick stop before we head home," was all she told him.

At her secrecy Castle eyed her carefully, eyes scrutinous as they ran over the lines of her face in search of any tell. Beckett just pressed her lips into a tight line, keeping the secret to herself for another few minutes.

Both remained wordless as she led him through the busy peak-hour foot traffic. With the wind outside nipping at her skin as it hurtled down the street Beckett zipped up her leather jacket for extra protection. Once Castle had followed suit she tucked herself into his side. The shop was still a few blocks and a couple of cold minutes away.

The little bell above the door tinkled when they finally entered, both exhaling a deep sigh of relief as they hid from the chilling wind. The young attendant behind the counter spun around at the sound, no a smile on his face but voice polite all the same.

"How can I help?" he asked Beckett when she stepped forward.

Shooting Castle a soft smile, she dug her own apartment key out of her pocket and set it down on the counter. "One copy please."

* * *

**A/N: **For anyone still interested, dinner with Lanie is up next.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:** Wonderful to know you are all still interested. Thank you so much.

This part stretched on longer than I thought it would (even longer on the first cut), so I hope you enjoy some Beckett & Lanie girl time.

* * *

**Twenty-Four**

* * *

_Mid October 2012. Fourteen weeks._

* * *

With a fresh key to her apartment pressed into Castle's hand, Beckett left him on the sidewalk to head their separate ways. She'd been staying at his place for too long, her own apartment abandoned across town. It was time she headed home.

Her mail was piled up, barely stuffed into the box with her apartment number printed on the front. The elevator out of order (when had that happened?) she was left to climb the five flights to her floor. As always the seven year old from next door was in the hallway, running into walls as he played noisily with a friend. Dodging the soccer ball he'd left abandoned by her front door, the pile of mail barely remained wedged between her arm and her side as she fumbled with her keys.

When the door finally swung open after much jiggling of the key in the lock, the musty air from the closed windows swirled around her. She wrinkled her nose to block out the irritation as she awkwardly kicked the door closed and dumped the mail onto the end her kitchen counter. Even with the biting wind outside there wasn't a choice but to open up a window and let the air circulate.

The outside air nipping at her skin as it blew through the open window, Beckett left her jacket on as she wandered into her bedroom. She crossed through the room quickly, heading straight for the shower to wash away the long week. An hour later, with her hair twisted into a low side-bun and makeup applied a little darker than usual, she dropped onto the couch and flipped through her mail.

Nothing more than bill upon bill. Electricity. Water. Phone. Cable. Rent. All of it to be paid for an apartment she hadn't even been occupying.

Beckett sighed. Even with Castle's apartment clearly being the better option at the present, it was time to spend a little more time here while she had the chance.

* * *

After lazing on the couch for the better part of an hour with a book (though unfortunately without her usual glass of red), Beckett locked up her windows once again and left to meet Lanie. By the time she wandered through the glass doors of the restaurant twenty minutes later her friend was already seated, giving a small wave from a table not far from the door. Beckett nodded once in response and brushed politely by the hostess to head for Lanie.

Her friend pressed her lips together as she approached the table, an amused crinkle spreading across her face. "Girls night out indeed," the M.E. commented.

Beckett blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"I'm talking about the twins there." Lanie eyed her chest with a quirked eyebrow.

Beckett frowned as she peered down, quickly buttoning up her cardigan to stop the unwelcome attention. It may be the part of her pregnancy that Castle loved but she could sure live without her chest growing.

Avoiding addressing Lanie's comment, she took her seat silently. Though even as she did so her eyes glanced around the restaurant almost self-consciously, scanning to ensure no one was staring at her.

By the time she was satisfied, Lanie's eyes were narrowed curiously. "Everything okay?"

She pressed her lips together and nodded unconvincingly. "Yeah." She'd hoped Lanie would have a little more wine in her before she opened up.

But ever scrutinous, Lanie didn't buy her half-assed answer. "Trouble in paradise?"

The detective blew out a deep breath. "No," she sighed. "Just-"

Lanie remained patiently silent for a long moment, but Beckett never continued. "Tell me if I'm way off base, but you and Castle aren't heading for another break up, are you?"

She shook her head instantly. "No. No, not at all. We- we never _really_ broke up the first time. Just needed some time apart."

"You know," Lanie started off slowly, voice too careful to be innocent, "If you tell me what happened last time, I might be of more use _this_ time."

She let out a breath of laughter at her friend's lack of subtlety. "It's pretty huge," Beckett warned her friend.

Lanie scoffed and waved her off. "Please, girl. Just try me."

Beckett chewed her lip hesitantly, gave it a little more thought before she dredged up all the issues she and Castle had months ago. Lanie may be one of her best friends, but she was a private person nonetheless.

In the end, Lanie was just taking a sip of her water when Beckett gave in to her internal battle. "He proposed."

Her friend choked on her drink, her eyes suddenly as wide as saucers and watering with shocked tears as she spluttered and gasped for air. "He _what_?"

"Oh, that's only the start of it."

"You're telling me there's more than a proposal?" Lanie coughed. "Wait- you've got to let this settle first. Tell me how it happened. Tell me what you _said_."

A heavy weight sinking in her chest, she sighed. "Do you see a ring on my finger?" She held up the hand void of any sparkling diamonds.

The smile slipped of Lanie's face in disappointment. "You said no?"

"No," Beckett confirmed with a nod. "And then I told him we needed to take a break."

Lanie paused for just a moment. "Well, I can't really judge you there. I broke up with Javier over the same topic."

If she weren't reliving that night in her mind, Beckett would have smiled. Lanie may be one to always offer advice whether it was wanted or not, but she never judged.

"It was just- too soon," the detective continued. "_Way_ too soon. We'd only been together for two months. And yes, it was just something he blurted out in the moment that he didn't really mean, but-"

"Wait," Lanie interrupted with a pausing open palm. "If he didn't really mean it, _why_ did you break up?"

"Why did you and Espo break up when Jenny blurted out the marriage comment?" she shot back.

Her friend nodded with sudden understanding. "Because it was too much to handle," Lanie answered both questions.

Beckett sighed heavily. "Exactly," she agreed in a quiet voice. "I know it seems ridiculous to break up over something he didn't really mean, but in the moment I didn't know what else to do. So I ran. I'm not proud of it, but I was afraid if I didn't get some distance I'd sabotage the relationship like I always do. This was _Castle_- I didn't want us to crash and burn."

"But Honey- did you really think getting some distance was the way to make your relationship work?"

She pressed her lips into a tight line, closing off to her friend. "You don't understand."

"No, I don't. But _help_ me understand."

Beckett's eyes scattered away, watching the people at other tables from a distance. Studying people was something Castle always loved to do. He'd watch the way they moved and talked, uncovered their odd mannerisms, constructed a story of the life they may lead in his head. Listening to the tales he created was something she'd missed in their time apart.

"I always pick at one tiny thread until the relationship unravel," she finally responded a long minute later. "I didn't want to do that with Castle. I wanted us to work. God, Lanie- if we didn't work…" Beckett broke off on a sigh. "I don't know. I just thought if I got some distance- gave both of us time to cool off- that when we picked everything back up against we'd be better. Stronger."

"But weren't you afraid there wouldn't be anything to come back to?"

Beckett stilled. "I-"

She had no answer. She'd never even thought of it like that. She'd always believed Castle would be waiting for her with open arms when she returned. She'd never thought that their break could have been the final straw for him; that it could have turned into a break up so easily.

"Don't take your man for granted, sweetie," Lanie told her softly.

Her heart sank low in her chest, stomach flipping over with unease. She knew she should never have walked out on him that night- it might always be one of her biggest regrets- but Lanie was right.

She'd been taking him for granted for too long. It was time to start making this up to Castle.

* * *

Lanie found out the moment their waiter arrived.

"Can I start you off with any drinks tonight?" The woman- Cassandra- clicked the top of her pen in wait of their order.

With a small shrug of her shoulders, Lanie relaxed back in her chair. "I'm easy tonight. Red or white, your choice."

Beckett pressed her lips into a thin line. "Actually, I think I'll just have water."

Lanie quirked an eyebrow. "Water? Seriously? It's Friday night, Kate, and I'm not drinking on my own."

She chewed on her lip guiltily. "Hate to break it to you, but you'll be drinking on your own for a while."

The M.E.'s face was instantly overtaken with surprise and understanding. "You're not."

Beckett remained silent.

Lanie gasped. "You _are_?"

She gave the smallest of nods.

"Kate Beckett- you're _pregnant_?"

"I- yeah," she breathed. "Yeah."

"Well- looks like two glasses of water it is," Lanie ordered.

With a nod for confirmation, the waitress left, leaving Beckett to fend for herself as Lanie turned on her.

"Details." Lanie tapped a demanding finger on the table. "Now."

She shrugged casually, opening up easier than earlier in the evening. "What do you want to know?"

Lanie clicked her tongue in consideration. "Start from the beginning. How far along when you found out?"

"Just before eight weeks."

"And you and Castle were together, or-"

Beckett shook her head. "No. Still on our break."

Lanie paused. "Kate, do not tell me that's the reason you went back to him."

It wasn't, but a harsh knot of guilt tangled in her throat all the same. "I- I was about two days away from calling him when I found out. I just- he deserved to know. So I went to his loft to talk as soon as I found out."

"I feel like there's more to that story, but we'll brush over that for now." Lanie waved them along. "All right. How far along are you?"

"Fourteen weeks."

Lanie gaped. "Fourteen weeks? And you found out before eight weeks? Why haven't you told anybody yet?"

Beckett lowered her eyes guiltily and let a beat of telling silence tick by. "That's, uh- we-"

Her friend's eyes narrowed knowingly. "Who have you told?" she questioned, voice slow and careful.

"Well, Castle told Martha," she started. "And then Alexis."

Lanie clasped her heads together on the table and nodded in acceptance. "Of course."

"And my father," Beckett continued down the list. "And Gates."

"You told _Gates_ before me?" Lanie cried out.

"I had to! It's a safety issue," she defended herself. "She can't have a pregnant detective running out into the line of fire."

Lanie sighed. "Fair enough. Now continue. Who else knows?"

Beckett paused. "Uh- Ryan."

"Honeymilk? Really?"

"He figured it out."

"Who else figured it out?"

Beckett bit her lip, guilt suddenly eating at her. This wouldn't go over well. "Well, he didn't figure it out, but Esposito overheard-"

"Javier knows?" Lanie gaped at her. "Kate, you're killing me here."

"He only found out today," Beckett swore. "And even if he'd found out earlier, I really hope the two of you don't talk about me when you meet up."

Lanie smirked. "Oh, don't worry. There's not a lot of talking involved."

The detective scrunched her nose at that mental image. "All right. Moving on."

"So what are Castle's thoughts about being a father again?" Lanie continued her line of questioning.

Beckett rolled her eyes. The woman was relentless.

* * *

Their meal consisted of a healthy serving of fettuccine followed by a rich chocolate soufflé. Even while she ate, Lanie constantly spun the conversation back to Beckett and her news.

Do you want a boy or girl?

Have you thought about possible names?

Who will be the godmother?

Beckett rolled her eyes to each question, reminding Lanie she'd only _just_ moved out of her first trimester. Add in the inability to loosen her lips with alcohol, the majority of Lanie's prying questions went unanswered, something her friend was still scowling about when they stood on the sidewalk a few hours later.

"Share a cab?" Lanie questioned as they headed for the taxi rank up the block.

With a sudden change of mind to stay at Castle's once again, Beckett shook her head. "Heading the other way." She threw a thumb over her shoulder in the vague direction of Castle's loft. "I think Espo wants to do drinks tomorrow night if you're free?"

"Seeing as I'm going home sober tonight because someone-" She shot a look at Beckett's stomach, "-ruined all my fun, count me in."

Beckett just chuckled and left it with that, waving goodbye to her friend and heading home to Castle.


	25. Chapter 25

**Twenty-Five**

* * *

_Mid October 2012. Fourteen weeks._

* * *

"So…" Esposito started, taking another long swig of his beer before he continued. "You and Beckett are having a kid."

"Yeah," Castle breathed out slowly, something of a cross of disbelief and amazement lacing his voice. "Yeah, we are."

Esposito clicked through the menu screen of Madden, setting up another game as he continued. "What do you think about it all?"

Castle reached for his own beer, giving himself another moment before responding. "It's great. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I think what he's trying to find out is whether you're going to stick Beckett with the kid," Ryan interjected.

Castle snorted. "You do both realise the highlight of my life is being a father for the last eighteen years? A _single_ father, I'll add."

Esposito shrugged. "Just looking out for our girl."

"Speaking of…" Ryan started hesitantly. "How is Beckett taking the news? We all know she doesn't do well with surprises."

Castle remained silent for a long moment. Ryan raised a good question. "I think she's still waiting for it to sink in. I don't think the weight of everything has quite settled for her yet. She just- needs time."

At his words, both Ryan and Esposito stopped setting up the next game, instead having turned to eye Castle carefully.

"Look," Castle defended. "You can be the most prepared parent in the world- read all the books, attend all the classes- and still have a hard time. It's _nothing_ like what you expect. Hell, I know I wasn't ready to be a parent the first time around. It just takes some adjusting to."

Shrugging off their glances, he returned his focus to the screen, clicking through the last few settings. "All right. Madden?" he deflected.

He didn't need the boys judging his relationship with Beckett.

* * *

A few hours and a change of game later, Castle and the boys were scoping through the sniper rifles on the screen when he heard the jingle of keys at the front door. Without pausing the game, Castle quickly flicked up eyes up at the doorway to find Beckett wandering through, shiny new key to his apartment in her hand. He was just about to comment when Ryan shouted loud beside him, drawing his attention back to the game.

"I could hear you guys from the elevator," she scolded them, but her tone was laced with amusement.

Esposito shrugged, eyes never breaking focus from the screen. "This is war, Beckett."

Castle ignored the snort he heard from the entranceway.

"Castle?" Beckett sung out a moment later.

He didn't break eye contact with the game, just hummed a question. "Hmm?"

"When you're done playing video games, I'll be waiting in the bedroom."

Oh. Yes, okay.

He stilled for only a moment before all but throwing the boys out of his home. "Yeah. You guys have to go," he drawled out.

Pausing the game, he dropped the controller onto the coffee table and stood, arms waving to usher the boys out of his loft.

Esposito shot him a look. "Bro, you're not serious."

"Yeah, Castle. It's not even-" Ryan pulled out his phone to glance at the time and cringed. "Midnight? Damn it. I'm supposed to be meeting Jenny at her sister's right now." The young detective scurried toward the front door, calling back over his shoulder, "Thanks for the beer, Castle!"

By the time Castle redirected his attention from the running detective back to the one still standing in his living room, Esposito had already shrugged on his jacket and was clicking away at his phone. "Now that you bring up the time," Esposito mumbled distractedly as he typed out a message, "I really should be going too."

Castle smirked knowingly. Lanie.

Esposito scrambled out of the apartment after that, leaving Castle to lock up after him. Flicking off the lights in the living room he padded quietly into his bedroom. No Beckett, but light was spilling out from the bathroom. He wandered over, leaned against the doorframe.

"Nice night?" he made small talk as she cleansed her face.

Beckett nodded in response and reached for the face washer. "Yeah. Her face when I told her our news was priceless. I thought she was going to have a coronary."

He chuckled as he pushed off from the doorframe, reaching around Beckett for his toothbrush. After spreading toothpaste along the bristles, his eyes met hers in the mirror.

"The boys didn't give you a hard time, did they?" she asked quietly. "Because you know it's not their place to-"

"Kate, relax," Castle mumbled around the toothbrush. "They were a little bit… protective of you, I guess, but everything is settled. I think they're still a bit surprised is all."

She pressed her lips into a tight line, studying his face for any tell he was lying. "I can talk to them, if you want?"

He shook his head. "Nope. All good."

She nodded absently in thought and wandered from the bathroom, pulling open his dresser drawers in search for something to wear to bed. By the time he'd finished cleaning his teeth Castle found her lying atop the sheets on her usual side of the bed, completely swamped by one of his old undershirts and nothing more than her panties.

Flicking off the closet light he crossed the room silently, padding around the end of the bed before slipping underneath the sheets beside her. As his weight dipped the mattress Beckett shifted, awkwardly reaching underneath her to tug the sheet far enough down so she could slide her legs under the covers. The movement caused her shirt to ride up, exposing the bare skin of her stomach. Castle quickly reached out, placed a pausing hand on hers before she could disappear beneath the sheet.

Beckett arched a questioning eyebrow at him. "Everything okay?" she asked softly.

With a small nod his fingers released the grip they had on hers. He didn't withdraw his hand, though. Instead, his hand stretched for her stomach, fingertips tenderly brushing across her skin.

"Castle?"

At her quiet, confused voice, his eyes flicked up to hers. "You have a bump," he murmured.

Her reaction was one of denial. With a roll of her eyes, Beckett swatted his hand away. "Castle, it's nothing," she dismissed his comment all too easily. "I ate too much at dinner, but thanks for telling me I look fat."

* * *

_Late October 2012. Fifteen weeks._

* * *

It wasn't nothing, and it was most definitely _not _too much to eat, but it wasn't until a week later did she finally admit to it.

She had to notice it the day she was running late to work. Typical. Having slept at her apartment instead of Castle's, she had forgotten to set her phone alarm and had slept in. Already an hour and a half late, Beckett barely had time to throw herself under the hot spray of the shower and hurriedly slap on some makeup. Still swathed by her fluffy white towel, she combed through her wet hair as she scurried back to her wardrobe. No time to be fussy, she pulled out the first outfit she saw, letting both the towel and the comb fall to the floor as she tugged on her clothes.

But her pants didn't fit.

Scowl on her face, Beckett shimmed back out of the dark denim jeans and instead reached for a dark grey pair of business pants.

They didn't fit either.

Already running so late that she was left without time to contemplate her outfit, she reached for the next pair of pants folded neatly in the pile.

Still, they wouldn't button.

Stepping out of the black work pants, Beckett let the fabric slip from her fingers to tumble to the floor in a heap. Ignoring the three pairs piled on her floor she stepped over them, moving straight for the long mirror that stood beside her wardrobe. Dressed in nothing but her underwear she turned to the side, eyes running over the length of her body until they landed on her stomach. She drew in a sharp breath at what they found.

There was a bump.

Beckett stared at her reflection, scrutinising her every curve, wondering where this sudden change in her body had come from.

Had her pants been getting tighter? She hadn't noticed. Then again, maybe she'd just been in denial. Castle had tried to tell her last week she was growing, after all, but she'd shrugged him off. She could have been ignoring the signs for weeks now.

She'd lost weight, too. Last year. In the months that had followed her shooting she hadn't been able to keep the weight on, and with all the training she'd been doing to regain her strength since then she hadn't put it back on. It left most of her pants a little loose. Had the extra room been accompanying her expanding stomach without her even knowing?

Beckett blew out a long sigh, spun around to inspect herself from the other side. The bump wasn't the smallest of changes, either. Sure- at this point it was still something that could be covered all too easily with any shirt that wasn't skin-tight, or could be passed off for now as just a bit of weight gain- but to her it was all she could see. To her, it marked the start of how everything in her life would change.

Time passing by quicker than she realised, Beckett was still scrutinising the bump in the mirror almost an hour later when Castle startled her.

"Kate?" His voice was soft as he called out her name, a tinge of concern lacing its edges.

She spun around to find him hovering in the doorway from her living room, gaze intense as he studied her carefully. She shrugged if off, focusing instead on his sudden presence in her home as she shrugged into the silk robe hanging from the edge of the mirror. "What are you doing here? I thought you were outlining for your next novel today."

He nodded once. "I was, but the boys called. Said you hadn't turned up to work; that you weren't answering your phone."

Beckett glanced around the room in search of her phone. She found it on her nightstand, switched onto silent. Pressing the home button her screen flashed to life, displaying the dozen missed calls from the boys and Castle.

"Sorry," she apologized.

"So- you want to tell me why you're three hours late to work and standing near naked in front of the mirror?" Castle kept his voice light, but his eyes were serious. He wanted an answer.

Slowly, she exhaled a weighty breath. "I don't know. Just- my pants don't fit."

He quirked an eyebrow. "I'm sorry?"

"My pants, Castle," she repeated. "They don't fit. I have a bump."

His features were taken over by a blank, clueless expression. "You do realise you're pregnant, don't you? That this is normal?"

She shot him a glare. "Yes," she growled. "And that's exactly it. It took me by surprise at first, but now I'm wondering whether I should be… bigger?"

Castle's forehead creased as he shifted almost hesitantly on the spot. "Are you complaining that you _have_ put on weight, or that you _haven't_?"

She snorted and repeated his question rhetorically. "Haven't put on any weight?" Beckett blew out a frustrated huff, untied her robe once again. "Castle, look at my stomach. Obviously I've put on weight."

He held up an open palm, silently telling her to calm down. "That's not weight, Kate. That's just the baby bump. It's normal. And if you're comparing yourself to other woman, wondering whether you should be bigger or smaller by this point, don't. Everyone is different, and that's the final line."

She sighed. "Yeah. All right."

Castle smiled at her then, gently brushing her hair back over her shoulder as a distraction, his fingers sweeping across her skin tenderly as they swiped at the water droplets collected from her still wet hair. "If you're still concerned in a few days, don't forget you have an appointment. In the meantime…" He passed her the white blouse she'd been about to pull on before her pants hadn't fit. "You have work."

Beckett shook her head. "Work? No. I have no clothes that fit. I am _not_ going to walk around with my pants undone and nothing more than a safety pin stopping them from falling down. The only thing I have to do is shop, and seeing as you obviously have the day free, you're coming with me."


	26. Chapter 26

**Twenty-Six**

* * *

_Mid November 2012. Nineteen weeks._

* * *

The morning light filtered through the shutters, bathing over them as they lay in Beckett's bed. The light hit the back of his eyelids, forcing Castle to squeeze them shut to hold onto the darkness of night. With a bitter winter rolling in early the warm rays provided much-needed relief, lifting the chill from the air that nipped at his skin. Yet on a Sunday morning an early rise from the light was the least of his wishes.

Though when the soft rustle of the sheets and subtle shift in the mattress signalled Beckett had already woken, Castle let the idea of more sleep slip from his grasp. Peeking one eye open he saw her already awake beside him, head still resting on the feather pillow as she blinked sleepily.

"Time is it?" he mumbled as he stifled a yawn.

"A little after nine," she responded quietly.

He hummed in appreciation and let his eyes slip shut once again, face half-mashed into the fluffy pillow. He heard the quiet rustle of the sheets again a moment before Beckett's fingertips brushed across his forehead gently, sweeping back the hair that had fallen over his face while he'd slept. Castle sighed. He needed to get it cut. Just another point on the ever-growing to-do list.

"Any plans for today, or can I try and catch some more shut eye?"

She chuckled quietly, soft vibrations tapping at his chest as they travelled across the mattress. "You could sleep," she murmured. "Or…"

Or-

Oh.

Hot lips found his neck, warm palms sliding down his bare chest. Her fingernails raked along his skin gently as her body rolled into his, her long length naked and stretching along him.

"Seriously? Again? That's every morning this week, Kate. Not to mention-"

Her lips suddenly broke contact with a loud pop and she leaned her head back, quirking an amused eyebrow at him. "Are you actually complaining?"

Right. What was wrong with him? Take advantage of this while it lasted.

"No," he spoke quickly. "Just-"

"Just stop talking, Castle," she murmured. "Talk later."

Yes. Okay.

This first. Talk and sleep later.

* * *

They doze off afterward, slipping into a peaceful state somewhere between the line of sleep and consciousness. His mind was so blissfully blank, no dreams or thoughts fluttering in to cloud it. The quiet murmur of the children playing next-doorcould be ignored, the traffic outside pushed far from his mind. Today was a day to do nothing but laze around, and as long as he didn't glance at the bright red numbers on the clock, he couldn't be guilt-tripped into getting up and starting the day.

But when Castle felt the sheets thrown back and the shift of the mattress as Beckett slipped quietly from the bed, he swallowed the sigh and slit one eye open. "Everything 'kay?" he mumbled. His fingertips slid across the sheets in search of her to try and pull her back to bed, but she'd already risen.

"Yeah. Just getting a glass of water," she whispered to him. "You want one?"

He hummed. "Please."

As the shadow of her body disappeared into the bathroom his eyelids slipped shut again, still heavy with sleep. He let out a soft grunt and rolled onto his stomach, planting an open palm either side of his chest to push himself up and off the mattress. Swivelling around so his back rested against the headboard, he smiled gratefully as she returned with two glasses of water.

Beckett slipped back in beside him easily, sliding across the sheets until their arms and legs tingled as they brushed against one another. She settled quickly, hands falling to her stomach and tapping almost unconsciously across the bump that had grown so suddenly.

Since the day he found her staring in a mix of surprise and near horror at the slight baby bump in her reflection, she'd come a long way. The stubbornness that was almost denial about the reality of her pregnancy had slowly faded as she'd settled a little more into this new stage of her life. Yet he'd still found her a few times staring down absently, a tooth dug harsh into her lower lip as her fingertips traced over the growing bump, her mind deep in thought.

Now, the sonogram tomorrow was the next challenge for her to face. The first real time they would lay eyes on their baby. Exciting, yet a little nerve-wracking all the same.

"You nervous about tomorrow?" he asked, voice low and gentle.

"I-" Beckett broke off on a light sigh. "Yeah. A little."

Castle brushed the tumble of curls back off her shoulder, letting his fingertips sweep gently across her skin. "About seeing our baby for the first time?"

She shook her head. "As much as that's been playing on my mind, I think I'm more nervous about finding out the sex."

He paused, fingertips suddenly still on her shoulder. "You want to know what we're having?"

"You don't?"

"I- no," he spoke quietly.

Beckett lowered her eyes at his words, watching her hand rub a soothing rhythm over her belly instead of him. Her lips were pressed into a tight line, holding back the thoughts flittering through her mind.

He sighed. "I just- I think this is like a good mystery novel," he tells her. "You can't just skip ahead to the end- the suspense is the best part."

She snorted. "Castle, I agree with books, but this is a _kid_."

"So the surprise will be even greater."

"Or all the more reason to find out now and be prepared," she countered.

Ah. Now he understood. She needed the extra few months of knowing to adjust.

Still, he wasn't going to let her push him over that easy. Not if he could help her work through this problem of not quite being ready to be a mother another way. "All right. Point taken. We still have a problem, though, because your appointment is in less than twenty-four hours and we both want different things."

Beckett chewed absently on her lip. "What did you do for Alexis?"

His forehead creased into a scowl at the memory. "Meredith and I decided we didn't want to know until she was born, but later she changed her mind. She booked an appointment for a day I was in meetings and found out without me." He scrunched his face. "I have to give her some credit, though. She kept the secret from me well. I didn't realise she knew for weeks, not until my mother accidentally let it slip one night after a few too many to drink."

She was silent for a long moment after that, eyes still as she took in his words. "Do you really think you can wait another four and a half months? I think we both know I'm the more patient of the two of us."

He shot her an unamused look, but nodded. "Yes," he insisted in a dry voice. "I'm patient when it matters."

The four years leading up to their relationship was on both of their minds.

Eyes flickering with understanding, Beckett opened her mouth, the protest that she would wait on the tip of her tongue. The words choked in her throat.

She wanted to know.

Taking her hand gently in one of his, Castle sent her a small smile. "We'll find out, Kate," he reassured her. "It's okay."

She shook her head, a sigh flowing from her lips. "I want you to be excited about finding out. I don't want you to be doing this just for me."

Did she really have no idea?

"Oh, Kate," he sung out slowly, a smile creeping up on his lips. "You have no idea how excited I am."

* * *

Hope for her honesty bubbling inside, Castle pressed his lips together to hold it back as he slid his eyes across to meet hers. "So- what are you hoping for? Boy or girl?"

Her response was a casual shrug, but her eyes darted away a little too quickly. "Either," Beckett brushed his question off. "I just want healthy."

Castle bit back the grin that threatened to curl up his lips. She was lying. "Come on, Kate," he persisted in a sing-song voice. "Everyone wants one a little more than the other."

She deflected again. "Well, what do _you_ want?"

"A boy," he offered up immediately. "I'm outnumbered. Alexis, my mother, yourself… Can you imagine if we added _another_ girl? I need someone on my team."

"Your team?" A light laughter flowed easily from her lips.

Castle nodded seriously. "Oh yeah. Otherwise you're all going to gang up on me."

Beckett rolled her eyes.

"Does that mean you want a girl?" he tried again.

She shot him a warning look that he promptly ignored. "It doesn't matter what I want," she told him with a shrug. "I already know what it's going to be."

He quirked an amused eyebrow. "Oh, really, now? Care to enlighten me? Because if you already know we can save time and money and cancel that scan tomorrow."

The comment earned him a light backhand to his shoulder. "Call it a gut feeling or mother's intuition or whatever you want; I know it's going to be a boy."

Castle fist-pumped the air in victory. "Someone for my team," he grinned. "But in all seriousness, don't tell me you actually believe in my mother's nonsense hocus pocus, do you?"

Beside him, Beckett snorted. "Do I believe that because I've never had any real cravings for sweet food, or never experienced much morning sickness, it means I'm having a boy? No. I just…" She shrugged. "I just _know_."

"You have a feeling."

"I trust my gut."

"You're gut doesn't have magical powers."

She huffed, arms crossing over her chest as her eyes rolled for good measure. "I just _know_, Castle."

Castle arched an eyebrow. "Bet on it?"

Ears perking up with interest, Beckett's eyes slid up to meet his. "What are you thinking?"

He hummed in thought. "Middle name rights?"

She refused with a shake of her head immediately. "No. Joint decision," she declared before offering up her own terms. "How about if I win, you have to cook me breakfast in bed for a week?"

"Fine." He nodded. "But if _I_ win, you have to let me drive to your cousin's wedding, _and_ promise to keep the backseat driving to a minimum."

Castle extended a hand ready for her to shake. She studied it cautiously for a long moment, as if trying to determine whether the offer was fair or if there was some hidden catch. Then, finally, she grasped his hand in hers and shook it in acceptance, a determined grin on her face.

"You're on."

* * *

He cornered her in bed again that evening.

She was curled up on her side, face resting on the back of her hand so she didn't sink into the pillow. As he slipped in beside her, Beckett's two hazel eyes tracked his every movement, flickering curiously as he smoothed a warm palm across her stomach and dropped his head onto her pillow.

"Kate, please tell me what you want," he begged softly.

She ducked her head and tucked her hair behind her ear, saying nothing. He too remained silent, patiently waiting her out until she finally flicked two shy eyes up to meet his.

"A boy," she whispered.

Castle smiled.

Kate Beckett wanted a little baby boy.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N:** Important note at the end. I know they're boring, but it's a must-read.

* * *

**Twenty-Seven**

* * *

_Mid November 2012. Nineteen weeks._

* * *

Leaning back against the bookshelf Castle arched an eyebrow at Beckett as she emerged from the bathroom, eyes low and distant, feet shuffling forward slowly. "You ready?" he called out softly.

Pausing underneath the doorframe, Beckett bit her lip hesitantly. "I don't know."

He said nothing. Just gave her the moment she needed to figure out how to word what was on her mind.

"This is just-"

This time, she never finished. Castle supplied the answer he knew she was looking for, or too ashamed to speak. "Nerve-wracking, right? And it's making you feel a little uncertain about everything."

Her eyes suddenly flicked up to his. "Yes. Exactly."

He shot her a smile. "That's normal. At least, it is for me."

"So… you were nervous the first time around too?" she asked hesitantly.

Chuckling on a breath, he nodded. "Yes, but hell, Kate- I'm nervous now too. Just as much as I was with Alexis."

Beckett exhaled a low sigh of relief at his words, adjusting the coat thrown over one arm as she thought. "I don't know if I'm ready for this," she admitted quietly, a hint of shame to her voice.

Confused, his eyebrows knit together. Had he misread her yesterday? Was her hesitance because finding out would make this all the more real, when she just wasn't ready for that next stage?

"We don't have to find out the sex if you're not ready," he reassured her quickly. "We can wait. Whatever you prefer, Kate."

She peered up at him through thick lashes. "What would _you_ prefer?"

Castle gave a casual shrug of his shoulders. "I don't mi-"

"Don't do that," she growled suddenly. "Don't just say 'you don't mind'. Don't just pick whatever option you think will make _me_ happy. You have a say in this too."

From his spot across the room, he stilled at Beckett's sudden outburst. "I know," he responded carefully. "I do. Something important like his name or the school we're going to send her to should be made together. But something like whether we're going to find out the sex or in a few months? It's not the end of the world."

"What do _you_ want?"

A long beat of tense silence passed by before Castle finally gave her an honest answer. "I don't want to know."

Lips pressed together, she nodded. "And that settles it. We won't find out."

Castle blinked. This was the completely opposite of what she'd decided yesterday; what he'd _thought_ she had wanted.

He wasn't given a chance to protest. Without another word she crossed the room to him, curling one hand around his elbow and tugging him out through the living room. The protest that he would find out for her if that's what she wanted bubbled on his lips, threatening to spill out at any moment. The only thing holding it back was the sudden lightness that had replaced the fear in her eyes and the small, determined smile playing on the corners of her lips.

"Are you sure?" he couldn't help but double-check. She was the one who'd been thrown into the deep end with all of this, after all.

But she just pressed a light kiss of reassurance to his lips. "Absolutely. We're in this together, after all."

* * *

The too perky Doctor Rosalie Weinberg shot them a wide smile. "Everything looks just fine," she announced, voice bubbling with cheerfulness.

Castle grit his teeth against the sound of her voice and nodded. Better a doctor that cares too much than one who cares too little. "That's great news," he forced out politely.

"And are you sure you don't want to find out the sex of you baby? Because I have it right here-" Rosalie tapped her temple, "-if you want to know."

Underneath his hand, Beckett stilled at the doctor's words. "You know?" she asked quietly. "So, you could tell us right now if we wanted?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes. It's up to you, though."

Beckett was silent for a long moment, her eyes distant as she thought it over. "I-" Suddenly, she shook her head, as if shaking way the idea with it. "No. We don't want to know."

Even as she spoke, Castle saw the guilt flood her eyes.

She wanted to know.

"Kate, let's just find out," Castle chuckled. "I mean, how many people really wait until the baby is born anymore?"

Her eyes flicked up to his, one eyebrow arched in question. "I don't care about anyone else. _You_ don't want to know."

"But you do," he stated. "Don't you?"

She bit her lip guiltily. "I- yeah."

Castle let out another deep chuckle, the hand he had rested on her shoulder squeezing gently. Turning to Doctor Weinberg, he lifted his face into a smile. "All right. Hit us," he told her.

"No," Beckett blurted out suddenly, shooting their doctor an apologetic look. "Wait." She angled her head back up at him, the lines of her face stern. "Leave the room."

He blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"You don't want to know. So leave the room, and I'll keep it a secret from you."

"Did you not hear my story about what happened with Alexis? Because it was a disaster."

She rolled her eyes at his dramatics. "It's not like I've gone behind your back. Besides, I won't tell anyone. That way you're mother can't blab it to you."

Castle clicked his tongue, still sceptical. "So what happens when I come home with a tutu and you've been out buying soccer boots? You're just supposed to… what? Say how much you love it and pretend like it's something we'll be able to use?"

She shrugged all too casually. "We'll go for neutral colours."

He scrunched his face. "Yellow and green? They are not neutral colours."

Another eye roll. "What do you expect will happen if you don't find out? And if you say buy two of everything in two different colours, I will shoot you."

Castle pressed his lips into a tight line. She had a point.

"How about this," Beckett suggested suddenly. "What if Doctor Weinberg writes it on a piece of paper and seals it in an envelope? We'll take it home with us, talk it over a little more, and decide later whether we want to peek."

Eyebrows rising with intrigue, he nodded slowly. "That could work," he murmured. "Yeah. All right."

Even with the decision to wait just a little longer at the least, he had to reel her in when she tried to sneak a peak at the doctor's scrawl. With wide eyes she peeked up at him, the false innocence plastered all over her face.

"It's been how many months already? I'm sure you can wait at least another few hours," he called her out, the smallest of smirks on his face to let her know there were no feelings of anger.

Beckett simply turned away, lips pursed.

Busted.

* * *

He was already busying around her kitchen with a late dinner simmering away when Beckett wandered through the door. Letting out a heavy sigh her body sagged with the weight of the day as she hung up her coat and dumped her mail on the counter.

"Bad case?" Castle questioned. She'd taken only the morning off for her appointment, pushing herself to head in by midday to lend one of the other teams a hand.

She dismissed his thought with a shake of her head while she kicked off her shoes. "No. The boys. They were relentless with their questions about the baby."

He let out a low chuckle. Typical. "Did you tell them we didn't find out?"

She paused for a moment. "I made the mistake of telling them we had the doctor write it down for us," she explained. "They kept pestering me to open the envelope."

"And did you?"

Beckett pulled the folded envelope from her back pocket and handed it to him. Unfolding it, he found the glue seal still intact.

"Hard not to open it, though," she admitted, tone leading.

Ah. They were back on this again.

"Isn't it just _eating_ at you?" she continued. "The not knowing? The wondering? The imagining? All the possibilities?"

He arched an amused eyebrow at her. "_All _the possibilities? Kate, it's either a boy or a girl. Not a lot of options," he laughed lightly. "Besides, I thought you already knew it was a boy?"

She shrugged. "Maybe I just want to cash in on my breakfasts now before you weasel yourself out of it?"

Castle snorted, but turned away. Weaselling his way out of it?

Yeah, all right. That _did_ sound like him.

* * *

After dinner Beckett excused herself for a shower, claiming she needed to start early in the morning. Castle settled on her couch, TV on in the background, legs kicked up along the cushions, and laptop open on his lap. It wasn't long before he found himself getting lost in the outline of his next novel, the list of possibilities of what could happen to whom flooding his mind.

He was drawn out of his thoughts all too soon by a hand gently shaking his shoulder. "Castle?"

Blinking, he realised Beckett was half-leaning over him, freshly showered with damp hair swept up into a low bun behind one ear. "That was a quick shower," he commented.

She chuckled quietly. "It's been over an hour," she told him.

Castle glanced down at the clock on the laptop screen and cringed at the time. Eleven. Damn. It had been nearly_ two_ hours.

"Sorry," he rushed out an apology.

She dismissed his apology with a shake of her head. "It's fine. Just thought I'd let you know that since you've decided to take up my entire couch, I'm heading to bed to read."

Castle nodded, quickly double-saving the file before closing the lid of his laptop to follow her. He placed it on the nightstand, already itching to pick it back up. For now, though, he left it there, moving instead to her bathroom to brush his teeth before he settled for the night.

Emerging a few minutes later he found her sitting on her side of the bed, legs thrown off the edge and head bowed low as she stared at the envelope in her hands.

_The_ envelope.

Castle watched her from the doorway for a long moment, studying the lines of her face as she sat perfectly still in contemplation. That her brows were knit ever so slightly together told him that her mind was battling over a decision. The tight line of her lips meant she was exercising restraint. But it was the longing in her eyes that told him everything.

She wanted to know. Like hell he'd be the one to keep her from this joy. What did it really matter if he found out now or in a few months?

So when she moved to hide it away in the drawer of her nightstand, Castle swiftly crossed the room. He placed a pausing hand on her wrist before plucking the envelope from her hands.

Beckett sighed. "Castle…"

"I want to know," he told her.

She still wasn't convinced. "Are you sure?" she asked quietly, a hint of hope lacing her voice.

He nodded surely. "Yes, Kate. I'm sure."

Beckett blew out a shaky breath but nodded. With that permission enough, he slipped a thumb underneath the tiny open flap at the end of the envelope, running his finger along the length of it to unstick the glue. Fingertips sliding inside the envelope, they clasped around the lone piece of paper inside.

Castle's eyes flicked over to Beckett just to verify one last time she was sure about this. She dug a hard tooth into her lower lip with nerves, but her eyes were wide with suspense. Her fingers circled around his elbow, giving a gentle squeeze of encouragement

Finally, he tugged out the piece of paper and unfolded the note.

His heart stopped, the smile already breaking free on his face as he heard Kate's voice whispering in wonder.

"We're having a boy."

She won the bet.

He didn't even care.

Just cupped the back of her head gently and drew her in for a tender celebratory kiss.

They were going to have their little boy.

* * *

**Important note. Please read. (I'll know if you didn't!)**

Even though this story is far from over, this will most likely be the final chapter. After leaving this hanging for two months to then add only another few parts makes me feel terrible. However, my heart is just not in this anymore. I don't want to produce something half-assed, and as I have no real obligation to finish it, I feel it's best to cut ties with this now. This is only fanfic, after all.

In addition, the new university year picks up again shortly, and my studies are obviously my priority. I will not have the time to be trying to rush this out every other day. I would much rather take my time to produce something of better quality.

Thank you for all the love you have given this, and many apologies. I hope you can still enjoy anything else I choose to upload.

Kelli.


End file.
